


Les Passions de l'âme

by WondersoftheMultiverse



Category: The Great (2020), The Great (TV 2020), The Great (TV Show), The Great - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Blood, Coup (treason), Empress of Russia, F/M, Hurt / Comfort, Injury, Jealousy, Russia, Sexual Themes, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:07:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 58,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WondersoftheMultiverse/pseuds/WondersoftheMultiverse
Summary: “Tell me, what does a man of Orlo’s standing truly desire?” Adina sighed as she glanced to either side of her. Pleased with the lack of attention, her head twisted to face you completely, her eyes flashing with a barely concealed darkness.“You have graced these halls far longer than me, It would be wise of you to tell me what you know of the man.”“I hear that he does take a fancy to a walk in the grounds.” You stated slowly, your eyes watering as you quickly blinked the unfallen tears away. It shouldn’t hurt you like this, to tell a woman so vile of the ways to seduce a man of the court, but when the man happened to be Orlo, you found your chest would constrict as though you were bound; the air around you too light to sustain you properly.You knew what your small feelings of fondness had developed into, and of course you had known it was to be your downfall. But sometimes, despite the rules and the measures you put in place for yourself, you can’t quite help who you fall in love with.
Relationships: Count Orlo / Reader, Count Orlo x Reader, Orlo (The Great TV 2020)/Reader, Orlo x Reader
Comments: 44
Kudos: 49





	1. Part One

On the outskirts of St Petersberg stood a tall grand palace filled with some of the most filthiest, twisted minds in all the land. Behind each and every dark gaze stood a man, or sometimes woman, yearning for a sense of power and importance. The majority of souls which found themselves in the court of Peter were treated to a lavish life of parties, food and alcohol. The women were expected to mingle and exist, ready to drop all priorities in a moment's notice at the sight of a man with his hand down his pants. And the men were allowed to roam the halls doing whatever they pleased with no fear of retribution. They were hailed as the greats of society.

It was a putrid place, its true colours masked by the lavish walls and grand halls filled with decorative art pieces. But nothing could stop the rose coloured waters from receding the moment you stepped within its doors, the cold shadows and icy stares boring through your barriers and piercing your delicate skin. 

This place was a death trap, one wrong step, one small stumble and your head would likely find itself mounted alongside that of the great bears which roam the woods. Or worse... tossed aside and used as a morbid plaything for the sickening mindless fools.

Luckily for you, you had found adjusting to the busy life of a serf within the walls of the palace easy enough. You had developed a thick skin for the rogue comments and wandering hands, learning from the mistakes of others and always remaining on your toes. You were also lucky in being one of the two maids chosen to serve the new Empress of Russia, alongside Marial you quickly found that the woman you dressed and washed on a daily basis was potentially the shining beacon that the country longed for. 

Perhaps the palace wasn’t a conjugation of complete fucking idiots after all...

You hadn’t been recruited into the coup right away, from what you could understand some months had passed before Marial and Catherine found the right time to approach you. At first you had remained silent, listening to their self conscious and worried rambles as they hushed you to one side and glanced wearily around the room. They hadn’t needed to finish their explanation before you nodded with affirmation and determination, your hands clenched into fists at your side as you committed yourself to the coup, submitting yourself to the potentially fiery downfall that could befall you all.

Looking over it now, the decision hadn’t been all bad. Your tasks mostly consisted of wandering the halls and listening in on the voices which echoed throughout them. Reporting to your small ragtag team of any changes and any new developments amongst the other servants. It also had led you to formally meet Count Orlo, the smart sharp tongued bureaucrat that had graced Peters court for longer than you had ever thought possible. You had known of him and spoken to him once or twice before, but only out of necessity and polite chatter. Apart from those situations the man had remained a shadow, confining himself to either the very public court appearances or his private chambers in the evening. 

Knowing Orlo and speaking to him more frequently had lead you to take notice of some of the smaller notes of his personality and features, like the way his eyes shined and sparkled at the mention of forward thinking European ways, or the way his mouth would curl into a guilty grin at the mention of Descartes and other literary greats. Count Orlo quickly unravelled himself from the mystery he lingered within, and revealed himself to be a kind and gentle man, with a warm heart and a bright mind. 

Someone whom you quickly felt your heart falling for.

When he had discovered your own love for stories, poems and philosophy, Orlo had busied himself to showing you the great treasures which lay hidden within the abandoned library. Countless works secluded beneath years of dirt, dust and cobwebs, left to rot in the damp dark room of the palace, their pages melding together and becoming damaged from the elements which assaulted them. 

Between you both, you had made an effort to clear one small section of the room, setting up a meagre sanctuary of two small chairs and piles of your favourite books. You had only ever planned it to be a small area, one which could go unnoticed by a lost soul, but comfortably house you both as you each picked your way through the pages. 

Occasionally your reading would give way to writing lessons. You had been hesitant at first, the idea blossoming from a note you had sat and watched the Count write in order to sneak a message to the Empress. Orlo hadn’t judged you, he didn’t change the way in which he looked at you in knowing you had never been taught to write. But his eyes had held a sympathy, a sorrow which gave way to a bright spark of an idea. 

Your first lesson would remain permanently engraved in your mind. The two of you hunched over a rickety old wooden desk, Orlo’s breath hot against the side of your cheek as he guided you through the motions, your hand clutching desperately at the quill as your fingers trembled and left behind a shaky trail of ink. Your cheeks flushed a deep red at the memory, of the intimacy you had felt and the fire that had erupted in the pit of your stomach at his proximity.

Your clandestine meetings were always meticulously organised and taken with the utmost care, hurried whispers and secret notes slipped into specific pages of a book. You both knew what it would mean for a serf to be caught in the library, let alone as a woman trying to form and develop some basis of an education. Despite the risk you had continued with your lessons and meetings, your days slowly growing brighter and heart lifting at the potential future you saw blossoming on the horizon. A future that held potential, not just for Russia but for your own source of love as well.

Everything was _perfect._

“Are you going to fill my glass love? Or am I going to need to fuck you first?”

Snapping back to the present you gape in surprise as the burly soldier turned to look at you, his face filled with soot and dirt as he dragged his dark gaze across your form. Straightening your shoulders with a sigh, you silently cursed your corset for being too tight around your chest.

“Apologies, sir.” You apologised as you poured the deep red wine into the awaiting glass. “It won’t happen again…”

“Good girl.” The soldier jeered, his rogue hand flying wide to slap your ass. With a small yelp you stumbled backwards, a faux smile filling your features as you quickly scurried away from his nauseating stench.

With a quick flurry of feet you easily navigated your side of the banquet room with the evening’s beverage of choice, your body twisting to give way to servants which carried away the empty plates of food. With quick calculated glances, you ensured that for the rest of the night those seated around you always had their glasses filled to the brim with wine, especially that of Lady Adina’s whose temper you had come to fear.

Lady Adina was a visiting noble from the heartland of Russia, her wealth attributed to her power as her cold twisted words punched through any stereotype to find their victim. She was a memorable figure, with a tall spindly body and sharpened features. Her eyes a cold icy blue, rimmed with flecks of white which perfectly mirrored her cold and empty heart. 

When Catherine had learnt of her arrival, she had immediately been put on edge, claiming that the woman had seen through her in an instant, her tongue ‘hissing like a snake’ as she whispered about her thoughts on an uprising. The rest of you had all dismissed the comment as nonsense, the woman had simply been testing the waters and challenging the Empress over her power; eager to make a dominating first impression.

But of course, Catherine was taking none of it and as a result had reassigned you as Adina’s personal serf.

Orlo had been quick to question why you had been chosen to undertake such a duty, his eyes flickering across to your own with a haze of mild concern. You had smiled sweetly in response, and listened to the Empress’s reasoning. Marial wouldn’t be able to comply with the Lady’s demands, her own short temper flaring at even the briefest of jabs. Eventually you had all conceded and the plan was set in motion, your corset drawn tight and headscarf reapplied as you marched towards the guest quarters.

That was the last time you had spoken to any of your friends, you had been isolated ever since.

“That’s enough wine for me.” Lady Adina stated bluntly as you topped up her glass. 

Nodding you pulled the metal pitcher away, watching silently as her eyes dragged across your form. After a moment she ceased her careful inspection, a small smirk tugged at the corner of her lips. 

“Tell me, what does a man of Orlo’s standing truly desire?”

“Excuse me?” You questioned, your eyes flashing across to the Count as he sat quietly at one of the banquet tables. You felt your heart flutter in your chest as you took in his distracted persona, his gaze locked on the bowl of stew before him as he mindlessly dunked his spoon.

“I have tried what you mentioned previously but it seems not to have worked.” Adina sighed as she glanced to either side of her. Pleased with the lack of attention, her head twisted to face you completely, her eyes flashing with a barely concealed darkness. 

“You have graced these halls far longer than me, It would be wise of you to tell me what you know of the man.”

You frowned as you chewed on the inside of your lip, your heart hammering wildly in your chest as you spotted a nearby glass depleted of wine. Feeling your already weakened walls shudder, you excused yourself for a moment. 

Shuffling away to the side, you leant ambitiously across to a nearby soldier; almost stumbling in your action. Thankfully the soldier was less handsy than that of his colleague, his touch gentle as he righted your form with a small kind smile. 

Inclining your head, you barely concealed a wince as the rough material of your dress aggravated the burn wound which decorated your back. The coarse material pulling free from the healing wound and breaking the fragile scabs which had started to form. Within seconds you could feel the blood seeping into the back of your dress, staining yet another white undergown. 

Grinding your teeth, you silently finished filling his glass. Pouring at the slowest pace you could muster until the wine hit the brim.

The action provided you with a brief recluse from Lady Adina’s suffocating darkness, her words cold and piercing despite the bright and cheery disposition she sometimes masked them with. 

You had been her serf for no more than a day before you had suffered her wrath, and now more than a week into the ordeal you had her personality mapped out for all to see. She was a cruel woman, plagued with the need for power and control. The maids which had travelled with her whispered to you about her previous husband, his life meeting an untimely end through a rogue accident with a cast iron fireplace stoker. As a result Adina had inherited the wealth and the land which had been under her husband's name, her resolve solid as her obsession grew.

The woman strived for more, more power, more money and more notoriety amongst the high classes of society. So in order to grasp the goal she seeked, she had found herself here. In the bottomless cesspit of despair filled with nobles and soldiers, all scrambling desperately for the same goal. 

Initially you had assumed she was striving for that of Catherines position, a place beside the Emperor. But you had quickly been proven wrong, as her conversations turned to Count Orlo and his reclusive nature. She had a plan to capture him within her bony hands, to mould him into her own puppet that she could tug and influence at her whim. Reluctantly, you had to admit that her charm could be misleading. Any other man would have instantly fallen for her looks and sharp wit, her wide smile and revealing attire leaving nothing to the imagination.

Feeling a tug on the side of your dress you whirled back around to face Adina, her features filled with a barely concealed rage as her eyes narrowed with an unspoken promise. “Tell me now or I might just decide to decorate your back with another welt!”

Gulping you shifted your shoulders slightly once more, the material of your dress agitating the barely healed skin. Your mind wandered back to the moment in question, your hands had been balled into fists and dress clenched down between your teeth as you suppressed a scream. It had been painful and excruciating to endure, the searing smell of flesh filling your senses as she pressed a glowing hot poker down between your shoulders. 

Thus you had been ‘blessed’ with a burn, one that was likely to scar- a permanent reminder seared into your skin all because her meal hadn’t been piping hot when she sat down to eat it. 

You inhaled slowly as you calmed your stirring temper at the flashback. You had learnt your lesson quickly after the blame unfairly befell you, and you supposed you deserved it for being the only serf stupid enough to linger behind in her quarters.

“Count Orlo-” You began, your eyes shifting across to the man in question. 

Time seemed to freeze as your gaze locked with that of the Count’s, his warm chocolate eyes boring into your own and freezing your tongue. His eyebrows were rising in a look that mirrored concern, his fingers wrapped amongst each other as he seemingly stared back at you lost in his own thoughts.

The moment was broken however as his eyes flashed with a look of recognition before shifting away.

“He’s a man of only one love.” You noted, your eyes nervously fluttering back to Adina. 

“- And that is of literature.”

“Yes, yes-” Adina dismissed, her tone sharp as she waved her hand. “You told me this. But what else does he take an interest in? There must be something other than books and-”

Adina paused, her eyebrows furrowing as she sighed with frustration, her hand releasing your dress as she straightened her shoulders and brushed away her hair. You understood her internal frustrations, and secretly revelled in the delight you gained from her own downfall. 

When she had last questioned Orlo’s interests you had told her of his love for books and stories, even going so far as to lie about his favourite quotes and author. Riskily, you had given the woman a book on the intricacies of love, with specific details into the anatomy of a woman. You knew that Orlo was nervous and coy when it came to the topic of love and sex, and therefore already could tell that her advances would be rebutted without a second thought. 

You had been playing with fire, and was happy to only receive a slap to the face for your failed suggestion. But she had quickly become suspicious, something which rattled you to the core as you sought to cover your tracks. 

Thus when you looked at her now, with a face of thunder and knuckles turning a stark white, you knew you had to ignore the ache of your heart as you leaned in close enough to whisper once more.

“I hear that he does take a fancy to a walk in the grounds.” You stated slowly, your eyes watering as you quickly blinked the unfallen tears away. It shouldn’t hurt you like this, to tell a woman so vile of the ways to seduce a man of the court, but when the man happened to be Orlo, you found your chest would constrict as though you were bound; the air around you too light to sustain you properly.

You knew what your small feelings of fondness had developed into, and of course you had known it was to be your downfall. But sometimes, despite the rules and the measures you put in place for yourself, you can’t quite help who you fall in love with. 

Shaking your head you turned to meet her wide eyes with a false glee, your head tilting slightly as you smiled sweetly. “Perhaps, if you would like I can ask him to join you later tonight? There’s a spot just past the rose garden which borders with the edge of the lake, and it is truly magical-”

“Perfect!” Adina smiled triumphantly as she cut across you. “Go ahead, tell him! Tell him that he is to meet me by the fountain after I bathe tonight! Oh! And he is to bring me a gift! Try and lead him towards something fine and unique in nature, you know like-”

Adina frowned, her face mottled into disgust as she regarded you as though you were a stain on her shoe. “Well you wouldn’t know, but he will. Another piece of fine jewellery is always a welcomed gift! ” 

Inclining your head you felt the waves of relief wash over you as you discarded the pitcher and navigated your way around the bustling room. 

You had been waiting for a moment to break away from Lady Adina to warn Orlo ever since you had discovered her plan to steal his wealth and control, your time swallowed whole by the demanding noble and her cruel ways. A small familiar voice in the back of your head whispered unsettling thoughts into your ear as you walked, a sense of anxiety settling in the pit of your stomach as the room around you faded away. 

Perhaps Lady Adina was playing a bigger game than what you had initially anticipated, with yourself unwittingly drafted as one of her many pawns. Your steps faltered as you frowned to yourself. No… you were overthinking this. Lady Adina had made no comment and showed no interest in the running of Peter’s court, she hadn’t even spared Catherine a second glance since arriving. 

But still that niggling feeling of doubt prevailed, perhaps she was aware of your involvement? A spy embedded amongst her own staff. Maybe the truth was entirely different, maybe she really wasn’t after Orlo in the manner you expected, but was saving her true motive for a later date instead. 

Self conscious of the eyes which followed you around the room, you maintained your subservient posture as you slowly approached Count Orlo, his own shoulders straightening as he watched you approach from the corner of his eye.

Dismissing the jumble of thoughts from your head, you focused on the man before you and the way your heart seemingly lifted at his gaze. 

Regardless of Lady Adina’s true motive, Orlo and that of the coup needed to know what her intentions were. Atleast then the Count could prepare his armada of rejections to hold up in defence to her advances, not that you had anything to worry about. 

Count Orlo would never go for a woman of Lady Adina’s standing, attitude and personality. No! She was far too forward with her sexuality, a topic which always caused a dusting of pink to gather across the man’s cheeks as he stumbled away in a fluster.

 _ **Fuck.**_ _Were you jealous? Jealous of her attempts to seduce Orlo?_

Sidestepping servants, you came to a stop beside the man in question, waiting patiently as he finished up his conversation with Velementov who sat beside him. 

The General seemed to acknowledge your presence with a wayward glance, his hand tightly clutching his glass of vodka as he shakily brought it to his lips. Velementov was a man of whom you had little interaction with, but from what you had seen he was a gentle soul. Layers of loss, war and killing had built him a solid iron wall as a defence, his skin thick and impenetrable despite the constant insults sent his way by the Emperor. 

Sometimes you really did wonder how no-one had killed the asshole yet. Surely there had been countless attempts on his life by now...

“Count Orlo?” You spoke quietly, your head bowed as you risked a glance around the room once more. 

As you had assumed Lady Adina’s piercing gaze lingered on your form, her head tilted to the side as she acted as though she was talking to the young man beside her. 

Steering your attention across the room, you spotted Catherine in her seat beside Peter, her own eyes wide as she watched you lean forwards to converse with the count in private.

“Yes?” Orlo stuttered as he turned to you, his hands rising in surprise to find you leaning forwards into his own personal space.

A small smile graced your features as your hand rose to cover your mouth. Lowering your tone dramatically, you fixed your eyes on the side of his head; ignoring the prying gazes sent your way.

“Just nod and look over at Lady Adina while I talk. She thinks that I am passing on a message for her.” You ran your tongue across your lips as you allowed yourself a brief pause, your hand still raised to block your words from those who dared to eavesdrop. 

“I need to speak with you in private, now. I think I know what she’s up to but this isn’t the place to tal-”

You were cut off as a servant rammed into your side, his arm falling against your back and causing you to yelp in pain and surprise. Spinning on your heel, your eyes widened at the sight of Vlad with five plates balanced between his arms, a flurry of apologies spilling from his lips as he shook his head in a nervous tick. 

“It’s alright Vlad.” You reassured, your eyes briefly falling back to Orlo. “I’ll help you if you’d like?” 

Turning back to the young serf, you smiled brightly as you pulled three plates from his arms, your eyes flashing back to Orlo once more as you prayed he had caught your silent message. 

With an inclined head, you followed the young man from the room, relieved as the suffocating stench of sweat and stew gave way to the fresh crisp air of the corridors.

“Thank you.” Vlad hushed as he placed his plates down against a small wooden serving cart, his hands quickly removing the remaining plates from your own grasp. 

With a wave of your hand you dismissed the young man as he started pushing the small cart down towards the kitchens, the high pitched squeaking of the iron wheels reverberating off the walls as he slowly disappeared from sight. 

A sigh tumbled from your body as your shoulders slumped forwards, the wound on your back screaming for attention as it continued to rub against the coarse material of your dress. Swallowing sharply, you winced as the knot of your headpiece cut into your neck, another uncomfortable aspect to your attire. 

Stepping to one side, you nestled yourself amongst the shadows of a slight alcove, your hands pulling away at the knot as you pulled the offending fabric free. Screwing the rag up tightly, you stuffed the material into the small pocket which lined the inside of your dress, a slight alteration you had added to help aid you in your duties. 

With your hair free you quickly ran your fingers through it, trying and likely failing to tidy it into some organised manner for the Count.

You’re a serf, why bother? He would never choose to be with someone like you.

Resigned, you slumped down against the wall beside you. Resting your head against the cold stone, your eyes subconsciously drifted towards one of the large windows adjacent to you. In the sunshine, the large open windows would send streams of shimmering light across the walls, the veils catching slight specks of dust as the palace seemingly sparkled. 

Night brought the opposite effect, the long corridors descending into a thick darkness punctuated only by the flickering candle light which lined the walls. 

But it was the shimmering light show that occurred beyond the windows that always caught your own attention, the bright moon which shone steadily down across the lands. Sometimes, if you looked out at the right time, in the right place, the moon reflected perfectly across the lake which sat on the outskirts of the grounds. An identical copy mirroring the original as it slowly crawled its way across the sky night after night.

An airy sigh fell from your lips as you caught your mind wandering once more, rogue daydreams filling your head of a hot summer's evening spent sprawled across the long grass. It would be a field, one in the middle of nowhere- far, far away from here. You could almost taste the country air on your tongue as your eyes fluttered shut to picture the scene. 

The air would carry a chill to it, crawling across your skin and causing your hair to rise on the back of your neck. But the cold would be muted, less effective due to the body which remained sprawled beside you; their own heat warming your skin.

You would be content and happy, free from the demands that berated you. Laying there in the grass for as long as you pleased, eyes latched to the night sky as you traced the connection of stars with a pointed finger. You would be laughing and joking with the man sprawled beside you, conversations of poetry, astronomy, philosophy passed between you as you revelled in each other's presence. 

Looking at him you would see the same level of happiness reflected across those chocolate eyes and soft features, he would be shining brightly just like you had always seen him to. A fiery beacon, your guide. The one that had lifted you from your darkest of days, a star equally as bright as the-

“Y/N?” Orlo’s voice cut through your head, your eyes fluttering open as you noticed the Count standing before you. 

Frowning, you glanced up and down the corridor in a panic, your hand latching onto his upper arm as you began to drag him towards Lady Adina’s quarters. “Quickly, we haven’t got long!”

“What?” Orlo whispered, his own neck craning as he glanced back down the way you had come. “What’s happening?”

“SHH!” You scolded as you each rounded a sharp corner. Picking up your pace you rushed down the corridor, your hand trailing the paneled wood as you searched for the secret groove in the wood work which would open the hidden passage to the guest’s quarters.

After a few steps your fingers snagged on the telltale groove, your body halting as you glanced up and down the corridor once more before heaving the wooden panel to the side. Orlo’s hands nervously met your own as he helped you open it, his head inclining as he gestured for you to enter the darkness first. 

Wasting little time you delved into the secret passage, shimmying forwards with ease as you suppressed a sneeze which threatened to overtake you from the disrupted dust. Closing the door behind you, Orlo followed you wordlessly through the passage, his eyes burning into the back of your head as you assumed he had spotted the growing blood patch on the back of your dress. 

“Y/N, your blee-”

“Not yet.” You cut across with a plea, your words soft around the edges as you tried to wordlessly emphasise your appreciation for his concern. “Almost there.”

Reaching the end of the short hallway, you pressed yourself against the secondary door. With a soft groan, the wood gave way to reveal the interior of Lady Adina’s apartments, the room empty and devoid of any form of life. Skipping forwards, you wasted no time in quickly checking the doors, the wood rattling on their hinges as they remained locked and inaccessible. 

“Ok.” You sighed softly as you watched Orlo slip from the hidden passageway across the room. With wide eyes the count drew his gaze across the furnished surroundings, his eyebrows raised at the location of choice. 

“We’re in her apartments-”

“I know but we don’t have much time!” You exclaimed, your feet shuffling as you rushed across to her dressing table. Opening the draws, you gasped at the mass of fine jewellery, combs and clips which lay before you. Reaching forwards, you tried to suppress the tremor in your fingers as you desperately untangled the chains to find an older, less recognisable piece. 

“You will be going for a walk with Lady Adina tonight and she’s expecting a gift.” You informed Orlo, your eyes shifting amongst the jewellery. Pushing a particularly large pendant to one side, you spotted a large crystal broach; its shine only just catching your eye. Pulling it free, you turned the piece over in your hands, brushing away the layers of grime and dust.

“She barely remembers half of the jewellery she owns, so she won’t notice if something goes amiss.” You added, your fingers latching onto a piece of the metal as you pried the clasp free. Delving into the draw you removed a random necklace, your fingers releasing the clasp before depositing the defunct pendant in the bottom of the draw. Curling the broaches’s clasp, you quickly formed a small loop before threading it onto the chain.

Smirking you held your creation up high for Orlo to see, the broach now retrofitted into a large pendant necklace. Tilting the jewellery between your fingers, you nodded approvingly as the crystal centrepiece shimmered in the light of the room. Meeting Count Orlo’s gaze, you stepped forwards, extending the makeshift jewellery towards him. 

“Or in this case… regifted.”

“What?”

“Hm?”

“W-What?” Orlo repeated again, his eyes shifting anxiously between the jewellery and your features. “Why?”

“If you don’t give her something tonight as a gift then I am sure to be-” You froze, your mouth opening and closing in hesitation before you shook the dark thought away. “She is expecting something because she told me to tell you, and knowing you Orlo, I don’t think you keep any jewellery to hand just in case you need to ‘woo’ a woman.”

“I... well no but-”

“Don’t!” You cut across again, Orlo’s face scrunching into a look of frustration as a result. “Sorry! You don’t… I mean you, you-” 

A groan bubbled past your throat as you stumbled over your own words. Shaking your head you cowered before his intense gaze, your fingers reaching out for his hand tentatively. With a delicate touch, you carefully uncurled his fingers, lightly pressing the broach into his palm. 

“She wants to meet with you Orlo, and I’ve been putting it off for a whole week now. If I do it again then-”

You froze once more, the words on the tip of your tongue as you struggled to voice any of the potential atrocities which could befall you for failing to accomplish her request once again. You didn’t want him or Catherine to feel guilty for the punishments you had suffered as a result of Lady Adina’s short and childish temper. The Count had been against your involvement from the beginning, and knowing his own empathetic nature you were sure that he wouldn’t take it well. 

The butterflies in your stomach rustled at the mere thought of Orlo caring for you beyond that of a friend, his caring nature such a contrast against the other men which wandered the halls. He was unique and so unlike the other souls that wandered the halls, a real jewel submerged amongst the cesspit of greedy nobles. You really didn’t understand how he could be mocked by the men and women of the court, teased and labelled as undesirable. 

You were pulled from your reverie as Orlo cleared his throat, his head dipping as he nodded once in affirmation and slipped the makeshift jewellery into the pocket of his coat. Turning his gaze back to your own, you quickly looked away as you found his eyes to be filled with a shimmering concern, his mind seemingly reading your thoughts as he carefully broached the unspoken topic between you.

“Like your back?” Orlo whispered. 

Inhaling sharply, you nodded in response, your eyes betraying your stoic facade as a well of tears started to form, blurring your ‘riveting’ view of the floor.

Ever cautious, the Count stepped closer with a slight hesitation, his words low as he proceeded to pry. “What happened?”

“Nothing, It’s-”

“It’s _bleeding_.” Orlo countered, this time cutting you off from your pathetic attempts to steer the conversation down a different route. “It’s _more_ than nothing.”

With nervous hands his touch came to rest upon your shoulders, the heat of his skin burning through the thin fabric of your dress and setting your nerves on fire. Silently you followed his push, allowing him to spin you around in his arms until your back was facing him. 

“May I?” Orlo questioned, his hands trailing the edge of your dress as he leaned ever closer. 

Nodding you silently signalled your permission, your lips pressed sharply together as you tried in vain to stop your mind from submitting to the sinful and tantalising thoughts which ran rampant in your head.

You barely flinched as Orlo’s fingers brushed against the exposed skin of your back, his hands making quick work of the loose knot which hung down the back of your neck; releasing the top tie for your white undergown. Shuffling closer, the Count leaned in to inspect the wound which spanned from your right shoulder to the middle of your shoulder blades; his breath hot and heavy against your skin.

You inhaled sharply as his fingers trailed the edge of the wound, his coarse fingertips setting your nerves on fire as he dragged them delicately across your skin. Closing your eyes, you tried to control your reaction to his proximity, the strange intimacy of the moment causing a fire to pool down into your lower abdomen. 

During all of your stolen moments, whether you were reading, writing or simply talking about trivial topics, Count Orlo had never leaned into you in this way, never initiated a point of contact between you both. He was so close to you now, your upper back exposed to him as he slowly caressed the skin around the bleeding red welt that marred you. It was comforting, providing you with a source of warmth despite the cold walls which housed you.

You imagined that this was what being loved felt like. Unafraid to bear your weaknesses to another, helpless and completely fragile beneath their gaze and touch. Two people who were united together through a burning bond of love and companionship, fearless and unstoppable as one, but just as unique and independent on their own.

The distraction you had formed was quickly torn away from you as Orlo leaned back, the light brush of his hair disappearing as a low hiss slipped from between his lips.

“What happened?” He questioned again, his fingers coming to rest in between your shoulders as he finished tracing the burn.

“Burned.” You forced out, your voice croaky and tinged with an overwhelming torrent of emotions.

“For?”

“Her food.” You paused, knowing full well that your words would rattle his own anger. “Her food wasn’t hot when she-”

“ _Fuck_ me.” Orlo sighed as his touch left your skin. 

From the faint rustling you assumed he had run his hand across his face and through his hair, an anxious tick you had picked up on during the time you spent together. Afraid to face the emotions you might find, you kept your back turned and eyes down on the floor, your heart hammering wildly within your chest.

“No… fuck! Her food? Are you- Are you serious? She- she can’t-”

“She can.” You reasserted dejectedly. 

It was a fact, one which you couldn’t change. In the eyes of nobles you were merely an object, an expendable life to be used for their own gain. It was a bitter pill that you had to swallow at a young age, your life thrown into the throws of servitude since as far back as you could remember. 

You had never known your mother or father, instead told that you had been abandoned on the doorstep of a nearby Lord. Thrown into the lower levels to be raised and used as a member of staff. At first you had thought you would work off your debt, that the Lord would release you once you had earned back your time and thanked him for the kindness he had shown you as a babe. 

Instead? Instead he had sold you to the palace, passed you on to continue your work as a serf. Abandoned, unwanted and alone. 

“I’m just a serf Orlo.” You whispered, your voice broken as the flashes of a life spent watching the stars filled your mind. Shaking your head, the watery tears slipped from your eyes and down your cheeks, your heart displayed on your sleeve as you dismissed your own dreams as fantasies. 

_Who could ever love you? A serf, the downtrodden of society and easily replaced._

Your voice broke as you struggled to continue speaking, your heart breaking into a thousand pieces as the week spent serving Lady Adina seemingly hit you at once. You had been brave facing her spite alone, had accepted the punishment and swallowed your sorrow in the moment. But now, standing before the only man that seemingly cared just an ounce about your well being, you found that you couldn’t hold it back anymore. 

“A serf.” You repeated once more, your voice tinged with anger and regret. “The majority of people in this place think I’m worth no more than a Ruble-”

“No!” Orlo exclaimed suddenly, his body encroaching your own once again as the space which separated you melted away. Instantly the usual crackling energy which spanned between you returned, your heart twisting in your chest as his exclamation rang throughout your head. You were wordless at his reaction, the breath leaving your chest as you simply remained silent; staring ahead at the empty room.

The silence seemed to span between you for a few moments before his hands hesitantly pressed themselves against your skin once more, his fingers lingering just below the wound. You tilted your head to the side slowly, all too aware that you should be rushing him out of the door before Lady Adina returned, but selfish enough to not care and to try and drag this moment- whatever this moment was- out for as long as possible.

“No… Not-” He stammered, his touch slipping across your skin to the base of your neck. “Not to me.”

You froze at the words, the tears which had slipped from your eyes staining your cheeks as you processed his statement fully. 

“I mean-” Orlo stumbled, his hands pulling away from your neck once more as he stepped backwards in a flustered manner. “I mean not to us- fuck. Sorry I-”

Spinning on your heel you turned to face him fully, your vulnerabilities of full display and ready for his pickings. But instead of finding a look of guilt or pity for your situation, you discovered something new in those chocolate eyes, something that you think had always been there but never on full display. As he looked at you now, with his mouth slightly ajar and gaze flickering across your features, you saw what you had seen encapsulated in the paintings of couples countless times. You saw what you had _always_ longed to see.

Taking a leap into the deep end you stepped closer, your own gaze slipping to his lips as the space between you closed down moment by moment; until you were only inches apart. You were surprised when the Count made no move to back away, your breaths intermingling in the small space between you and fanning across your features. His own chest heaved with exertion, as he anxiously twitched between looking at your eyes, to your lips and the door which lingered just beyond your shoulder.

As though he was a startled animal you gently placed your hand on his shoulder, grounding the man from moving away as you surged forwards to meet his lips. You held your position for a movement, almost afraid to move and break the spell which had seemingly fallen over you both. Once he made no attempt at breaking away, you gently swiped your tongue across your lower lip, his own moving in tandem as you merged into one. 

Count Orlo didn’t kiss like a man who had no experience. Instead he kissed you like a man who had finally discovered water after months of drought, his hands quickly latching to your waist as he pulled you impossibly closer to him. The usually timid bureaucrat dissolving away into a confident man who pushed for leadership, your actions quickly giving way to his own as he deepened the kiss further. 

A soft hum bubbled up from your throat as you slipped your hand from his shoulder to his hair, your fingers playing in the short flyaways that nestled against the back of his neck. His hot tongue met your own in a clumsy greeting, a smile threatening to fill your features as you allowed him to lead you through the complicated dance. Instead you focused on the feelings that assaulted your senses, your body hyper aware of every minuscule movement and taste.

The beef and onion stew from the banquet still lingered on his lips as he devoured you completely, his fingertips digging tightly into your waist as he kept you pressed up against him. His nose would nudge against your cheek occasionally as he delved deeper, teeth clashing together in an uncoordinated fashion as you both seemingly submitted to your primal urges. You revelled in the burn which grew across your chest, your lungs screaming for air as you ignored the need to breathe, instead becoming lost to the feelings of love and attraction.

For once in your life you allowed yourself a moment of peace, your mind blanking away any other rational thought as you focused solely on him. Count Orlo. His soft silky lips and tongue exploring your entirely, kissing you fervently like a man who had been starved for years. Far away from Russia, oblivious to any coup and unacquainted with Lady Adina.

Too suddenly your mind caught up with your actions and the implications that would come from them, and as quickly as you had become lost in the moment, you were grounded back in the harshness of reality once again. A lead weight forming in your stomach as you reluctantly wrenched yourself away from Orlo and stumbled backwards in surprise. 

Wiping your lips across the back of your hand, you nervously turned away from the Count, your eyes shifting across the room as you struggled to pull together a reasonable excuse for your actions. You had overstepped the boundary of your relationship, forced him into a situation of which he probably detested.

_But **he** had been the one to kiss **you** back._

**No.** A kiss didn’t mean anything within the walls of Peter’s palace, it meant no more than a night spent in each-others company, or a _quick fuck_ as the emperor would deem it. Even a ring and a title bestowed upon you would never mean that your feelings were returned. No. It was a survival instinct, you had learnt so much during your time below levels with the other servants.

_Plus, you were only a serf. No noble or count of Orlo’s standing would ever conjoin with someone of a lower class. Especially not you._

“Thank you.” You hushed out as you pressed your hands to your eyes, a vain attempt at stalling the tears which threatened to fall. “I’m so sorry, I- I shouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t in my place and-”

Taking a deep breath you straightened your shoulders before turning back to face the Count. Orlo seemed shocked and frozen in place, his hand partially outstretched and mouth ajar as he seemingly listened to the halfhearted excuses you played off. 

“We have more pressing matters.” You quickly forced out, your eyes shifting around the room as you played up the diversion. “Like Lady Adina’s plot to seduce you-”

Your revelation seemed to pull Orlo from his daze as his eyes sharpened with acknowledgement, his feet shifting as he tilted his head in confusion. “What? S-Seduce me?” 

Pacing around in a short circle, Orlo made no effort to adjust his dishevelled appearance. His glasses remaining perched to one side from where you had knocked them during your kiss, his hair hanging loose at the back from where your fingers had brushed against his scalp. Even his usually well put together outfit had been rustled from where your hands had slowly slipped up to his shoulders.

“I thought she was here for the coup?” Orlo questioned again as he rounded on you, his finger curled against his lip as he appeared to be deep in thought.

“No!” You exclaimed, “No, Orlo… she’s here for you.”

“Me?” 

“She wants you, Orlo.” You reiterated, your embarrassment simmering away as you worked to convey the message you had been holding on to. Thankful for the pressing issue at hand, you successfully detached yourself from the kiss and the turmoil of emotions wrestling in your gut. 

“I think she wants your control, your influence-”

“Fuck!” Orlo cursed as he turned his back to you, his fingers clutching to the front wisps of his hair as his whole body shook. Stamping his feet, the count continued to curse into the air; his frustration flowing free. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

You stepped forwards, hands raised to draw him back but catching yourself before you could follow through with the action. Clasping your hands behind your back, you waited patiently for Orlo to turn to face you, his eyes sheepishly meeting your own. 

“It’s ok, you just need to meet with her tonight and politely decline-”

“What will happen to _you_?” Orlo interrupted, his tone steady and voice clear as his gaze became entirely locked on you.

Your words died on your lips as you took a slight step away from shock, your earlier mortification appearing once more as you tried in vain to quell the rising hope that blossomed within you. Focusing instead on the question you tilted your head, your hands working themselves along the thread of your corset as you contemplated the consequences from your plan. 

As long as you were nowhere near Lady Adina’s quarters when she returned, likely seething with anger, then you shouldn’t be caught in the crossfire. You couldn’t promise that her anger would dissipate the following morning, but whatever punishment you received would most likely be less rash than the spur of the moment decision she could make while angry.

“Nothing will happen to me!” You assured, your voice unsteady as you struggled to even convince yourself. “Anything that goes on between you both has nothing to do with me.” 

Orlo frowned deeply, his eyes shimmering in the low light of the room as he shook his head. His seeming desire to keep you safe and protected playing with your emotions cruelly, actions taken out of friendship toying with your heart that longed for so much more.

“I swear it Orlo.” You tried again, your palms clammy as you forced a shy smile to your features. “I will be nowhere near her quarters when she returns from her walk.”

“You’ll be nowhere near _her_.” Orlo agreed, his hands clenching at his side as he stepped forwards. A strange sense of confidence exuberated from him as he looked you up and down, his tongue darting across his lips as he seemingly considered his next words. 

“I’ll speak with the Empress, we can get you moved back to-”

“Orlo if I move then I can’t watch out for you.”

“You just said that she wants my wealth?”

“Well..” You sighed, your eyes flickering away as you recalled the rumour which had been shared with you by Adina’s maid Ariel. “Supposedly she did kill her last husband.”

“She killed...”Orlo frowned, his eyes shifting between two invisible points before your words struck true, his features falling into a look of despair. “ _FUCK_!” 

Closing the distance between you once again, the Count lowered his tone as he pressed his hand into your arm; his fingers curling around you possessively. Glancing down to his hand, you felt the butterflies in your stomach rustle as he stared at you with the same intensity you had shared before your impromptu kiss. 

“You are in _danger_.”

Biting your lip you inclined your head in acknowledgement of the risk Adina posed to your own well being. There was no point in lying to him now, not when you had an ugly burn plastered between your shoulder blades as evidence of her cruel nature. 

Regaining your composure, your fingers curled gently around his own as you pulled his arm free, your grip lingering against his skin. 

“I’m fine, Orlo.” 

“No! I-” Orlo stopped himself, his gaze falling to your conjoined hands as a heavy sigh slipped from him. You watched silently as the Count turned your palm over in his hands, his thumb tracing along your knuckles before finding the confidence to meet your gaze once more. 

If you hadn’t already been questioning yourself then you certainly were now. His eyes glimmered with an emotion you couldn’t quite place, but the warmth which filled his features sent your heart haywire as your cheeks burned from the attention. The energy between you was electric once more, your skin pulsing with a need in which you so desperately wanted to satisfy. 

All too suddenly your mouth was dry, your lips stuck together as you ran your tongue across them in a vain attempt to hold on to your cool persona. But no matter what you did to distract yourself, you couldn’t help but think back to the way his lips had glided against your own; soft to the touch and lingering with the taste of beef and onion stew.

“We need to talk. About Adina and...” Orlo trailed off, his nervousness getting the best of him as he alluded to the topic at hand.

Nodding in understanding and knowing that you couldn’t run away from confronting the moment forever, you conceded with a tight smile. “Ok. But we don’t have time now.”

Orlo’s face morphed into a beaming grin as he released your hand and reached beneath his coat. Twisting, you waited patiently as the Count reached behind his back, untucking a small book from his waistband before pushing it forwards into your own arms. 

The leather was soft against your palms as you ran your fingers across the cover, your eyes trailing the words as you identified the book as one of Descartes’. 

“Page one hundred and three. Tonight.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed as your head snapped upwards to meet his gaze, “Tonight?”

Orlo nodded as though the request was perfectly reasonable, his eyes hardening with resolve as he raised a single pointed finger towards you. “And tomorrow we shall see a doctor for your back-”

Suddenly the door on the far side of the apartments opened wide with a flourish, Lady Adina’s familiar suffocating aura swallowing the room as she strode into it with a sway of her hips. The noble seemed to be in her own world before stopping abruptly, her eyes widening as her gaze locked onto the both of you standing so closely together in the corner of the room.

“Oh.” Adina paused, her mouth falling open as a smirk threatened to overcome her. “Count Orlo what a pleasant surprise!”

“Lady Adina….” Orlo stammered, his back straightening as he took a step away from you and towards her. If you hadn’t of been in such a state of shock you might have noticed the way he stood between you and the approaching woman, his hands clenched into fists behind his back. “I-”

Stepping forwards you moved between Orlo and Lady Adina, your head inclining politely as you sought to cover your tracks- or whatever was left of them. How much had she seen? You had been sure you had checked the doors were locked before conversing with Count Orlo in the corner of her room.

“He was just speaking with me M’lady.” turning to Orlo, you inclined your head once more. “I apologise for taking up your time Count Orlo, I hope that what we discussed will help you with your entertainment this evening?”

“Searching for some trade secrets were we?”Adina hummed as she paced forwards, her head tilted to the side as though she was a predator evaluating her prey. With every step you felt your blood turn colder, her posture straightening abruptly as she sent you a suspicious wayward glance.

“Do up your dress _girl_ , no-one wants to see that.”

Your heart froze as you felt your limbs freeze up.

You had completely forgotten that the back of your dress remained undone, your back and jagged bleeding burn on display for all to see. A deep red flush covered your features as you inclined your head and stepped to one side, your hands trembling with panic as you desperately clawed for the drawstrings which hung down your back.

“And what’s this?”

Instincts overtook you as you flinched away from Lady Adina as she swiped the book away from under your arm, her eyes cold and piercing as her presence bombarded your weakened defences. Beside you both, Orlo suddenly went as rigid as stone, a clear layer of perspiration forming across his brow as his eyes shifted nervously from the book to yourself.

“That- Uh…” Orlo stammered, his hand rising as he seemingly tried to grasp at the air for some form of excuse for you both. “That-”

Watching Orlo struggle to tread water was as painful as you had imagined, his eyes failing to hold eye contact as his pretence fell away. Feeling a surge of bravery you quickly and efficiently finished tying up the back of your dress in a loose knot, your feet slipping across the polished wood floor as you moved closer to Lady Adina. 

“Is a book that the Count left for you to read-”

“What?” Orlo hissed, his eyes wide.

A sharp pain erupted from the side of your cheek, your hands rising upwards as the force of the blow sent you stumbling backwards. In a haze you tripped over the ends of your dress, your body twisting as you fell to the ground with an almighty thump. Grunting, you bit down on your tongue to quell the urge to cry out, your shoulder and burn arching from the agitation.

“Know your place.” Lady Adina barked sharply, her words curt. “The Count can speak for himself.”

Nodding you blinked away the tears as you pressed your hand to your cheek, your skin hot and tender to the touch. Risking a quick glance towards Orlo, you noted that he had stepped forwards towards you, his eyes reluctantly shifting away from your curled up position on the floor and back to the noble which stood before him. 

“I saw the book while exploring the library this afternoon and I thought that-” He paused, his feigned confidence returning as a small false smile filled his features. “-that you may enjoy it. Perhaps once you have finished it, we can arrange a time to discuss it’s themes and-”

“Count Orlo…” Lady Adina purred, her hand pressing against his chest as she shifted into his own space. Feeling your chest constrict with a wave of jealousy and longing, you turned away from the scene before you. 

“Already searching for a way to spend more time with me, and we haven’t even gone for our evening stroll!”

With a soft groan you pulled yourself back up to your feet, your hand bracing itself against the nearby cabinet as you steadied yourself upright. Closing your eyes you kept your head bowed and away from the couple behind you, your breathing slow as you tried in vain to calm your racing heart. Your head was a jumble of thoughts and feelings, an overwhelming sense of fear embracing you with every passing second as voices whispered disconcerting truths into your ear.

_Had Lady Adina seen you kiss Orlo?_

_How were you going to explain your dress?_

_Was she really going to read the book and discover the hidden note?_

_Was your fate signed and sealed, her fury ready to be enacted the moment Orlo left the room?_

“I should go to-uh-” Orlo stammered, his voice reigning in your thoughts as you turned back around to watch the awkward encounter before you. “-prepare!”

“Yes! I trust my maid has told you of the details, I would join you now but I do enjoy my evening bath.” Lady Adina smirked as she ran her hand down Orlo’s chest, her fingers tracing the buttons of his shirt as she delicately plucked and pulled at them.

“Perhaps…” Adina’s eyebrows rose seductively as she tilted her head, her tone dropping to no more than a whisper. “Perhaps you may join me sometime?”

You cringed at the insinuation, your hands balling into fists as you pressed your nails down into the soft skin of your palm. Watching the interactions would do you no good, your shaky heart easily riled by the clear attempts at flirtation the noble used to attract Count Orlo’s attention. You clenched your teeth as you swallowed the need to lash out at Lady Adina, to slap her across the cheek just as hard as she had done to you; a punishment for the week of torture she had put you through. 

Instead you merely turned your eyes away as you waited obediently for the moment to pass, your eyes shimmering as you harboured your desires and early feelings of love.

“Oh!” Orlo exclaimed loudly as he seemingly realised the tactics at play. Stepping away, the Count raised his hands as a barrier of defence. “Oh no... I- uh- I will see you later this evening.”

Adina laughed coolly as she nodded once, her fingers snapping as she signalled for you to attend to her. Stepping forwards, you abided her command for you to start undoing the tight ribbons which laced the back of her corset, her hands barely catching the front of the material in time to save her modesty.

Orlo lingered by the door for a moment, his eyes locking onto your own from just beside Adina’s shoulder. His face was flushed a deep red from the encounter, his eyes wide and filled with a sense of respect. You knew the message he was trying to convey with a single look, a plea to meet with him that evening and to somehow protect your clandestine arrangements.

With a single nod you acknowledged what needed to be done, the book which Adina had snatched from your grasp clutched tightly in her hands which supported the front of her dress.

“Don’t you know that it’s rude to stare, Count Orlo?”

Orlo physically jumped as his eyes snapped back across to Lady Adina, his brow rising substantially as he turned to leave. Flustered, the Count clumsily walked into the partially opened door, his feet sliding across the polished wood as he frantically grasped at the handle and flung it wide; his silhouette disappearing in seconds.

Finishing the lacing you stepped backwards as Lady Adina allowed the material to fall from her body, her hands falling away from her front as she stretched.

Clearing your throat, you prepared yourself from the likely barrage of questions and accusations you would face. The burn which marred your back the least of your worries as your anxious mind worked up alternative scenarios and punishments of which you could suffer. 

“Would you like me to prepare your bath?” You asked quietly, your voice nowhere near the strength it usually carried.

“In a moment.” Lady Adina sighed as she flipped the book between her palms, her hands running across the cover as she peered at it closely. 

With every second you felt your heart rate quicken, your pulse thumping loudly in your ears as you were swallowed whole by the guilt, anticipation and fear which wallowed in the room. 

You knew that the moment she opened the book, your cover would be blown. The pages would surely give way to the note which was stashed inside, the paper filled with cursive writing fluttering free from page one hundred and three and into her hands.

Placing the book on a nearby table, Lady Adina turned to face you completely, her hands on her hips as she pressed her chest outwards. Averting your eyes, you kept them fixed on her features as you awaited her next words, the cold sharp lines which filled her face doing little to calm your nerves. 

Part of you considered the chances of a successful escape. If you turned and bolted from the palace now, would you even make it beyond the grounds before you were captured or shot? You had heard stories of servants which had left without leave before, supposedly their bodies either turned up the next day or just disappeared without a trace; a replacement filling their boots. It was the fear of failing to survive and thrive outside the relative safety of the walls which always halted your plans. Although the palace was a wretched place to serve, at least you never had to worry about where your next meal would come from or where you would rest your head for a few hours.

It was something you had contemplated before, and now as Adina’s lips curled into a sickening smile it was something you considered again.

“Y/N” Adina began, her hands rising to her long dark hair as she released it from the clip which kept it up off her neck. 

You swallowed drily as you prepared yourself for any question or suspicious accusation she could send your way. 

You were prepared for nothing but expecting everything:

_‘Why was Orlo in my chambers alone with you?’_

_‘Why was your dress undone at the back?’_

_‘What is the importance of the book really?’_

_‘Which of your eyes would you like to lose least?’  
_

“Fetch me, Ariel.” 

Stunned your jaw dropped open as you blinked rapidly, the command one of the few things you weren’t expecting to tumble from her mouth. On edge, you nodded quickly to abide her command, your strides wide and fast as you rushed eagerly from the room and towards the guest servant quarters.

The world moved around you like a blur, the sounds and shapes indistinguishable as you paced the halls in hurry. Your heart which had been hammering wildly out of control had seemingly found itself a steady beat once more, Adina’s words echoing in your head as you couldn’t help but summarise that the worst was still yet to come. 

Surely the noble wasn’t so thick as to glance over the fact that you had failed to provide a reasoning for your dress to be lose? That whatever reason you were willing to supply would never marry up to the lie you had used to cover Orlo’s presence?

Coming to a stop beside the servants quarters, you kindly rapped your knuckles against the loose flimsy door. 

Within seconds Ariel was standing before you, her dress and headpiece impeccable as she stood to attention. 

“Y/N?” Ariel uttered in surprise, her eyes wide as she glanced you up and down. “Where is your headpiece?”

Staring at your fellow serf, you felt your stomach twist with apprehension at the statement. With shaking hands you pressed your hands to your head, the growing pool of fear swamping you entirely as you noted that you had also forgone your headpiece. 

Normally within Empress Catherine’s presence you were allowed to forgo the suffocating linen wrap, but since working for Adina you had noted the woman was a stickler for a servant's appearance, even going as far as removing them from service for a thread out of place.

“I-” You paused, the new train of thought unsettling you entirely.

“Are you ok?” Ariel probed, her hand pressing against your shoulder.

“Yes.” You recovered, your eyes shifting from the kind serf before you and back towards Adina’s quarters. “Lady Adina asked me to get you.”

“Oh no.” Ariel sighed as she wiped her hand across her face. Stepping forwards, the maid closed the rickety door behind her, her eyes filled with pity as she sent a sad smile in your direction. “What have you done now?”

 _‘What haven’t I done?’_ Seemed to be the more accurate question to ask.

The walk back to Adina’s chambers seemed to stretch out before you endlessly, the low light of the corridor playing with your mind as the shadows twisted across the walls. The straight pass seemed to elongate further with every step you took, your body stuck on an endless traverse towards your fate.

You surely would have been lost in your head if it hadn’t of been for Ariel beside you, her footsteps quickly overtaking your own as she spared you one more disapproving glance. A heavy sigh leaving her as she pushed the doors to Adina’s apartments open and submerged herself into the thick of it. With one final lurch, you fell through the boundary and into fate’s welcome arms, the aching of the burn on your back fading away into a trivial issue.

“What took you so long?” Adina questioned immediately, her hands on her hips as Ariel moved around the room to prepare the cast iron tub. 

“Sorry M’lady.”

A strange numbness encompassed you as you silently lingered by the door, your mouth hanging open as you watched Ariel prepare Lady Adina for her evening bath. You were seconds away from moving to join her, to try and cover your disjointed facade when Adina spoke once more.

“That’s alright dear.” She smiled, her tone light and foreign to your ears. “You can finish for tonight.”

Behind her Ariel stumbled and dropped the pale of water she had been carying to the floor. The metal clanking loudly as it knocked against the side of the cast iron tub and reverberated throughout the room. You barely managed to cover your own surprise at Lady Adina’s comments, the use of an endearing term sending the hair on the back of your neck up on end with apprehension.

Apologising Ariel quickly ran from the room in search of something to clean her mess, leaving behind an exasperated Adina.

“Finish, M’lady?” You questioned politely, your feet shuffling backwards towards the door in an unconscious reach for escape.

Adina shrugged as she leaned against the side of the tub, her exposed skin glowing in the low light of the room as she displayed herself with little fear or embarrassment. “I no longer require your services for this evening.” 

Your eyebrows knitted themselves into a deep frown, your mind a mess of theories and fears as you struggled to see through her plan.

“Oh don’t look so surprised!” Adina laughed once more, her hand dipping down into small pool of water which rested in the bottom of the tub. Rushing back into the room, Ariel threw a large cotton sheet against the ground in the hopes it would soak up the excess water. 

Ignoring the presence of Ariel, Adina continued. “You have done me a great favour this evening, and I am known for rewarding my maids in kind.” 

Your eyes flicked across to Ariel subconsciously, the maid watching the encounter before her with an avid interest. You could tell by the look splashed across her features that Adina was indeed not known for granting her maids any favour, instead a cruel and wicked reputation lingered in her shadow; a thick aura surrounding her the moment she enters a room. 

But looking at the noble now and the seemingly harmless smile she wore, you couldn’t help but question your own reaction to the scenario which had played out. You had always known you were partial to overthinking and analysing a situation, so easily lost in your head as you lived and experienced every possible action, reward and punishment. 

Perhaps you had worried over nothing? Adina had already (technically) punished you for your state of undress with an embarrassing slap to the face before another member of the court. And even then, if the punishment you had already received wasn’t the reason for your ‘forgiveness’, then perhaps it was because of your success in arranging her an audience with Count Orlo. Her plan does after all rely heavily on seducing the man, something which she had seemingly turned to you for help on. Maybe her overlooking of your discrepancy was her reward to you for your compliance, her attempts at forming a small slither of trust forming between the both of you.

Either way, you weren’t going to turn down the opportunity to escape her presence for the evening, to retreat back to your uncomfortable bed and wallow within your sheets.

All you had to do now, was find a way to take Orlo’s book along with you.

“Go and do whatever it is you do…” 

Breathlessly you smiled, inclining your head towards Adina. “Thank you M’lady. But can I ask-”

“Oh and take this book with you.” Adina cut across, her usual uncaring attitude quickly returning as she raised a hand to silence your request. “I didn’t even get past the cover. Philosophy? This Orlo will be a difficult one to tame, I am sure.”

For once in your life you couldn’t believe your luck, the pieces all coincidentally falling into your hands with little to no effort. Part of you screamed that this was all a trick, a fake facade to lead you into a false sense of security.

Listening to the small voice of doubt, you remained silent as you glanced between Adina and the book perched on the small cabinet beside you.

“You do read... don’t you?”

You jumped as Adina suddenly appeared inches before you, her eyes picking your features apart one by one as you shrunk beneath her gaze. You cursed yourself for your easily distracted mind, her movements as silent and efficient as a snake as she wordlessly moved across the room.

_Perhaps that was how she had unlocked the door without you noticing?_

“Don’t be shy, I can tell an educated serf from one pulled from the pigs sty!” Lady Adina laughed again, her hand reaching outwards as she picked up the book and pushed it towards you.

Glancing down at the leather bound cover, you accepted the volume from her grasp; clutching it tight against your chest. 

“I-” You paused, your teeth nibbling the edge of your lip in an anxious tick. You rarely spoke of your past and limited education, keen to keep the other women and nobles in the court oblivious as to the extent of your abilities. But standing beneath her perspicacious gaze now, you found yourself unable to lie. 

“I learnt how to read in my previous post.”

“Good.” Adina smiled as she stepped away and back towards her bath. Approaching the tub the woman eased herself down into the sloshing warm water, her head resting against the edge as she closed her eyes in a scene of utter bliss. “Then you can read it for me. That way I can still impress the Count without having to subject myself to a laborious task.”

With a curt nod, you wasted not a single moment longer. 

Spinning on your heel you pulled the large elaborate oak door closed behind you, relishing in the soft click as a solid barrier formed between yourself and the unpredictable fire that was Lady Adina. Marching forwards, you increased your stride as your hands fiddled with the book within your grasp, your fingers trailing the spine as they danced across with the edges of the pages within.

Unable to hold back your curiosity, you quickly dove into a nearby shadow, your hands pulling the book open and flicking to the page Orlo had requested.

As expected a small folded piece of paper was pressed between the pages, the ink of the note still partially fresh from where he had wrote it. Uncurling the parchment, you tilted it towards the light excitedly.

**\----------------------------------------------------------------------**

**_‘Meet me on the outskirts of the forest at nine’ - O_ **

**_\----------------------------------------------------------------------  
_ **

Your bubbling excitement and hope dulled as confusion mottled your features. 

It was unlike Orlo to choose a location so exposed and far away from the comfort of the palace, his usual choice being that of the library or his own apartments. Even his cursive writing seemed to be out of place, the style slightly different from its usual flair, his signature replaced with a single connotation of O.

Shaking your head you closed the book with a snap, your feet picking up their pace once more as you marched eagerly towards your quarters. 

Overthinking and worrying was always in your nature, and a flaw of which you were keen to someday overcome. Who were you to question the Count’s decision to meet you in the woods? Perhaps your usual sanctuary was compromised? Or maybe it would make his meeting with Adina easier to attend after speaking with yourself. The note and decision to meet had obviously been a rushed one, something he had thrown together in the moments between leaving the banquet and meeting with you.

A warmth blossomed within you as you realised that his decision to make the note had been before your shared kiss, his eagerness as he pushed the book into your hand taking on a new meaning. You knew that it was a conversation you were likely to share, a discussion on what had happened and the feelings that you felt. Deep down you knew it was a risk to allow yourself to embrace the small flicker of hope which kindled inside of you, your life seemingly balance on a knife's edge as you danced between organising a coup and serving a sharp tongued bitch.

But for the first time in a long time you decided to allow yourself to embrace it, the small flicker growing into a roaring flame.

The time that Orlo had listed for you to meet came upon you quicker than you had anticipated, you barely had enough time to throw together your appearance and change your bloody undergown before you had to vacate the servants quarters and head towards the woods. 

Darting past the hedge maze, you revelled in the cold Russian air which brushed against your skin. Your heart light as you practically skipped towards the woods with glee. Beneath your dress, you had tucked the book he had given you up against the bottom of your corset; hiding it from view. It was uncomfortable and gave you a slight misshapen abdomen, but it did its job in concealing the book and your own crudely written note from view.

 _‘Crudely written’_ was a kind compliment to the smeared mess of ink and awkward letters which filled the discarded paper you had found. Its edges were broken by the natural creases which had formed in the parchment from where its original owner had torn and crumpled it up with ease. The words which they carried however were far from crude and rushed, instead they came straight from your heart.

It was strange to have been writing a letter of love to the man which you had dreamt and fantasied over for weeks. Your heart had rumbled widely within your chest from excitement and the thrill of potentially being caught. To you all of this felt like a dream, one that you had formulated during one of the colder nights of the year beneath the palace, where your bright imagination was the only comfort you could lean in to.

Tonight was the night in which you would declare your feelings for him, regardless of your standing or the coup which required both of your attentions. 

Tonight you would tell Count Orlo just how deeply your fondness for him had spread. 

What happened after that wouldn’t matter as you were unprepared for either outcome. If Orlo declined your advances you would simply accept his words and distance yourself from your shared reading sessions, building a barrier between your broken heart and his companionship. 

But… if he were to mirror your feelings? Well… you weren’t sure how a serf and a member of Peter’s court could actively pursue a relationship, but you were willing to try.

Reaching the edge of the woods you beamed as you lingered just beyond the tree line, your eyes narrowed as you peered into the shifting shadows in search for Count Orlo.

“Orlo?” You whispered loudly, your feet stumbling on the loose rocks and tree roots. “Orlo!”

“Just as I expected.”

The flame of desire and hope was doused immediately at the cold menacing tone of Lady Adina, her words ice in your veins as you felt your body freeze. Breathing heavily, you found yourself gasping desperately as your body launched itself into a full panic; small clouds of condensation lingering before you.

“Lady Adina?” You trembled, your head tilting to the side as you turned to face the noble. “I-I was just-”

Adina stood before you clad in her fine blood red gown, the moonlight catching the edges of the material; causing it to ripple with every minor movement. Her hair was loose and cascading around her face, her eyes drawn and hands clasped behind her back as she watched you disappointingly. 

“No need to berate me with your pitiful excuses.” Her eyes dragged across your lowly appearance slowly. “I know why you are here.”

“Y-you do?”

In the distance a low whinny from a horse caused you to jump, a small carriage pulling up on the dirt road which ran adjacent to the woods. Faintly you could make out a shadow of a man climbing down from the top of the carriage, his silhouette trekking the short distance towards you.

Panic surged in your veins as you stepped backwards, your eyes wide as you turned to look back at Adina.

“Of course.” Adina laughed sickeningly, one of her hands coming free from her back as she pointed a finger towards you accusingly. “I must admit it was quite a shock to walk in on a maid kissing a man of higher standing. Let alone the man I am trying to pocket for myself. Tell me, have you enjoyed humiliating me?”

Your chest constricted as your breathing became frantic, your head swimming as the icy cold fear surged through your veins. You had no idea what was coming, but you could tell it wasn’t good, the compelling instinct to turn and run for your life filling you entirely. 

“Lady Adina, I can explain-”

“No need, Once I am done with you I’ll be meeting Orlo to discuss this myself.”

“Meet?” You echoed, your eyes widening as the book you had concealed pressed against you from beneath your skirts. 

_Of course- the note,_ you had seen the signs and dismissed them as your own hyperactive imagination. 

“A smart one.” Adina commended, her head tilting to the side as she wordlessly commanded the shadowy figure to wait just behind her. Ignoring the audience member you took a shaky step backwards, your hands rising as you held them out before you in a sign of surrender. 

“I can see the ruble has dropped.”

“You wrote the note.” You stated lowly, your voice unsteady as you took another step away from the impending threat before you. 

Adina shrugged, “I knew you wouldn’t notice. You are so young, so naive and a slave to desire.” 

“You-”

Your words were cut off as she stepped forwards sharply, her concealed hand coming free to reveal a short Flintlock gun in her hands; the trigger pulled back and aimed towards you.

You jumped at the movement, your legs rooting themselves to the ground as your hands raised ever higher before you; a vain attempt at forming a shield. 

“W-What! Wait!”

Adina simply tutted as she shook her head disapprovingly, her body arching forwards once more as she waved the gun up and down your body. The fear and panic which had teased you before embraced you entirely now, your mind failing to draw any conclusions or plans to escape. The woods had been the perfect choice for her to dispatch you, far enough from the palace that no one would stumble across her crime, but close enough that she could quickly run back to meet Orlo and maintain her high class standing.

“Such a shame to waste such a pretty face.” Adina stated as she reigned in your wandering thoughts.“I was sure that my other maids would have warned you about my short temper, perhaps they didn’t out of spite.”

Your teeth chattered as your body trembled, not from the cold but from the freezing grip that death seemingly had taken on your heart. Before you now lay three paths, pleading for your life and hoping that the woman before you took pity, which was unlikely. Turning and fleeing for your life back towards the palace, but still being just as likely to be shot. Or surging forwards in an attempt to apprehend the gun and turning back towards the noble herself. 

_Each option was just as hopeless as the other._

“Please” You tried, your eyes watering as tears started to slip down your cheeks. “Lady Adina don’t do this-”

“How amusing.” Lady Adina smirked as she stepped forwards once more. 

Your eyes latched to the beautiful craftsmanship of the gun as it was waved about before you, its barrel mere inches out of reach as she leaned into taunting you. With quickening breaths you made you decision, pleading and fleeing were never going to work, your limited time ticking down ever quickly as Lady Adina seemingly drew to the end of her patience. 

“Everyone always believes that pleading will change my mind, like I have not already made up my mind by aiming a gun at your face!”

_Perhaps if you could stall her long enough for her to step closer once more, then you could try to reach for the weapon._

“Why?” You whispered, your sobs catching in your throat as you feared for your life. “Please don’t do this, just let me leave I won’t-”

The crackle of gunpowder igniting ricocheted throughout the forest, the nearby birds flying from the trees as the sound filled the empty woods and expanded out towards the palace. You gasped as a white hot pain blossomed in the space just below your shoulder and above your breast, a warmth slipping down your front and staining your dress. You didn’t need to look to know that the mystery liquid was your hot, sticky blood. The pulsing pain and heat from the wound allowing you to draw the conclusion within seconds. 

Heaving you stumbled backwards slightly, your free hand pressing against your wound as your eyes widened at the sight of Adina pulling back the flintlock mechanism once more.

The small puff of smoke from the first shot had barely dissipated when a second crackle rang throughout the cold winter air, a sharp pressure forming in your lower abdomen as you fell back against the ground.

Groaning you gasped desperately for breath, your body falling limp as a sense of exhaustion filled your bones. The blood which poured from your shoulder continued relentlessly, the liquid staining your clothes and coating your pale skin. Your lungs seemed to freeze as you struggled to draw breath, the wind knocked from your body completely as your abdomen contracted sharply from the pain of the second blow. 

Wordlessly you stared up towards the sky, the canopy of the trees partially obscuring your view of the stars. The distraction helped ease your passing mind as gradually the sharp pain that berated you dissolved away, replaced instead by a light floating sensation of which you embraced with open arms. The sharp twigs and uncomfortable rocks which you lay upon, simply melted away as the scenery around you flickered against the darkness. 

With a shaky breath you recalled your dream of laying beneath the stars, their cold shimmering light burning brightly down upon you traced the constellations with your finger.

_“Load her in the carriage, keep riding until sunrise and dump her body where no-one will find it.”_

Your head rolled languidly to the side, your eyes seeking out your companion but failing to find anything, anyone. Your heart clenched as you felt a wave of sorrow fill you, not only for the life that you had lost but also for that of the love which you had never seized. 

_“But she’s alive-”  
_

_“Not for much longer.”_

You ignored the whispers of voices which debated above you, your eyes watering as your reality became blurred and was lost to the ever growing darkness which lingered in your peripheral vision. In the distance you could hear the faint shouts of guards from the palace, obviously alerted to the rogue gunfire which had rippled from the nearby woods.

_“And if anyone asks?”_

_“Lie. Now if you will excuse me, I have a date.”_

You whimpered as your body was uncomfortably rolled to the side, your form hauled up and across the shoulder of a stranger as you were carried back towards the awaiting carriage. Through fading vision you glance up back towards the Palace, its grand architecture just barely visible beyond the thick undergrowth which concealed you. 

Ahead, the silhouette of Lady Adina quickly ran back towards the palace walls, ready to meet with Count Orlo and to assume her usual nonchalant attitude.

“No” You whispered weakly, your blood dripping down your neck and towards your face. Feeling your energy falter you slumped down against the back of your soon to be grave digger, your face pressed against his coarse coat as it brushed against your sensitive tear stained face. “I’m sorry…”

You had read countless books and stories in which one of the characters had died, the moment often described as peaceful and accumulating with a retelling of their lives before their eyes. But as you resigned yourself to fate and waltzed towards the open arms of death, you couldn’t help but think that the stories were wrong. 

You saw no vision of your life flashing before your eyes, you weren’t unaware of your passing into the unknown and undoubtedly the moment was anything but peaceful. 

Instead your final thoughts befell that of you friends and Orlo, a fear and anxiety flaring once more as you were helpless to forces at play. Your mind drifted easily, picturing those warm chocolate eyes as they gazed back at you. Your dreams of lying in a field and watching the stars dissolving amongst the darkness which consumed your vision, a deep penetrating sense of sorrow being the only feeling easing you into the unknown.

Everything **_was_** perfect, once upon a time.


	2. Part Two

_“The majority of people in this place think I’m worth no more than a Ruble-”_

_“Not to me.”_

_“You are so young, so naive and a slave to desire.”_

_“Load her in the carriage, keep riding until sunrise and dump her body where no-one will find it.”_

_Your eyes flutter open slowly, your body slow and seemingly unresponsive. Your skin rippled with an unnatural cold and disconnected feeling, the wound on your shoulder pulsing as you lay splayed out across the floor of a small aged carriage. Distantly you could hear the soft neighing of the horses as they powered forwards, the uneven ground filled with stones and rogue branches crackling and snapping as you passed over._

_You were floating, your mind wandering between the present and the memories that filled your head. Flashes of images passed across your eyes, moments you had seemingly picked up on as you drifted between your odd state of limbo and reality. Distantly you noted that it was almost like you were watching the scene playing out before you, an audience for your own untimely demise, the sole witness of your murder as your body was carried away from the palace you had always dreamt of escaping._

_Staring lifelessly ahead, you watched the roof of the carriage with an absent interest, the shadows playing tricks on your mind as they seemingly shifted and morphed into figures and silhouettes. Wincing you parted your lips with a soft moan, the cracked skin stinging as you unintentionally aggravated your split lip._

_Inhaling slowly, you closed your eyes against the white hot pain which rippled across your abdomen, your uninjured arm shifting as you pressed your hand against the site of the second gunshot wound. Your corset had become twisted from its original position, the small book you had stowed lodged sharply against your stomach._

_A light realisation suddenly filled your head as you traced the outline of the book, the hole which signified the bullet resting in the centre of its outline. Exhaling slowly, you allowed yourself a small smile of relief. Unwittingly Descartes had saved your life, his thick droning volume dismissing the intricacies of love saving you; its pages absorbing the bullet on your behalf._

_Orlo would be furious._

_Exhaustion washed through you once again as you felt your connection to consciousness falter, your hand falling away from your abdomen as you languidly rocked with the motions of the carriage, the relief you had celebrated quickly replaced with the daunting realisation that you were still in an imminent danger._

_You were alone and stranded, carried away by a small wooden carriage to be dumped amongst the thick undergrowth. Although you were no doctor, you knew that with no medical attention the wound on your shoulder would be your downfall, if your own personal grave digger did not finish you off themselves._

_A lone tear crawled down your cheek as a silent sob tore through you, your picture perfect future scratched beyond recognition, your dreams of laying in a field burnt and scattered in the breeze as ash and embers. Perhaps this was always your destiny, a life spent dreaming for better times, a life longing for the warmth of the sun to touch your cooling heart. You trembled softly as all sense of determination spilled from you, your body collapsing inwards as the energy to fight evaporated entirely._

_Hopefully the unending darkness would be more forgiving, as the life you had spent in the sun was darker than it would ever seem._

_The carriage drew to a sudden halt, a loud screech reverberating through the air as it rumbled to a still. The yells of men filled the space around you as they seemingly stormed your location, your heart crumbling entirely as the thin thread of hope you had clutched to was cut before your eyes._

_“NO! NO! PLEASE! TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT!”_

_The words of your undertaker carried through the wood as a soft muffle, a grumble of agreement following suit. If you had been more aware, you probably would have jumped as the doors above you were torn open so suddenly, the low light of a sunrise spilling into the carriage and splashing your dark coffin with hues of yellow and orange._

_“Uh, there’s a body in the back.”_

_Your vision wavered as two silhouettes shifted before you, their voices surprisingly warm despite their actions._

_“What?”_

_“Look!”_

_“Fuck!” One of the shadows exclaimed, your fingers twitching at your side. “Is she alive?”_

_“I don't know, I’m not touching that.”_

_A soft moan spilled from your lips as you managed to blink, your eyes fluttering as you struggled to hold on to your fading consciousness. A sharp yelp sounded as one of the silhouettes backed away, the second leering forwards as they pressed their fingers against the skin of your neck. Coarse fingertips trailed your skin ungraciously as they seemingly sought after your pulse, the pressure increasing on a particular point as they fell into silence._

_“Oh she’s definitely alive.” The second voice declared, his hands shifting to your shoulders as he started to pull you out of the carriage. “We need to get her to Igor.”_

_You screamed as the stranger yanked at you harshly, your shoulder pulsing with pain and sending a wave of nausea crashing over you. You gagged at the change of angle, your throat burning as viscous hot bile spilled from your lips and down the front of your dress. Wheezing, you fell completely limp in their arms, your body cradled from hitting the floor as they guided you down to rest with the fallen leaves._

_Exhaling softly, you took one last look at the orange painted sky, streaks of blues and white pushing through and masking the twinkling stars which had watched you fade. Perhaps this was your destiny after all, a second chance being granted by the gods themselves. A chance for a better life, a life basking in the hot sun as it warmed your skin and lightened your soul._

_Above you the two silhouettes leaned closer, their faces obscured by the veil of tears which lingered in your eyes. A weak smile crawled across your features as you allowed the darkness to swallow you whole, the shadows twisting and turning around you as they carried you to a safer place._

_“She’s been shot. What happened?”_

_You hadn’t been falling for long when you were suddenly yanked back into consciousness, your body shifted between arms as you were pushed down onto a hard wooden table. You blinked rapidly as you tried to clear your eyes, your movements sluggish as you levied your arms beneath yourself._

_A cry spilled from your lips as the dark silhouettes from earlier clamped down around you, multiple pairs of hands pressing you down against the table and preventing you from further movement. Sobbing, you numbly noted that you were pleading with them, begging for them to let you go back into the unknown._

_You were scared, your heart hammering away in your chest as your body ached with exertion. Head light and throat burning from the bile you had expelled earlier that…. Day? Week? What even was the time? Groaning you struggled against your restraints, a cool soft palm pressing against your forehead and wiping away the small beads of sweat._

_“-esponding, that’s to be expected? She’s got a fever… Infection?”_

_Words echoed throughout your head as you were filled with confusion, your struggling subsiding slightly as an aged face moved into your field of vision. The man appeared to be in his 50’s, his eyes a deep green and ringed with dark circles. His features were soft and approachable, a sad smile tugging across his features as he hushed to you; the tone soothing your racing mind._

_“She’s lost a lot of blood.” The elder stated, his hand pressing against your neck as he searched for your pulse. Shaking, you tried once more to free yourself from your restraints; the room becoming clearer with every passing moment._

_“If the second shot hadn't been stopped by that book then she would be dead.” The elder acknowledged, his hand pulling away from your neck before probing the shoulder. “This will need surgery. Have you got it?”_

_You twisted your head as you tried in vain to spot the second shadow above you, their face lingering just beyond your peripheral vision. Turning back to the elder, you felt dread sink into the bottom of your stomach as his features became resolved, his eyes filling with determination as he turned to the two other shadows which restrained your hands and feet._

_“Hold her down, she isn’t going to like this.” The elder commanded, his eyes widening as he turned back to meet your own wild dazed gaze. “You’re going to be ok. You’re safe now.”_

_“S-safe?” You whispered, your voice dry and cracked._

_The man nodded, his eyes watering before looking away abruptly. You frowned, seconds away from asking why when a rough cloth was forced across your nose and mouth, the repulsive smell of chemicals filling your senses and sending your head spinning. Screaming, you wriggled frantically in an attempt to get free. Your left leg released as you kicked wildly, striking one of the shadows around the face._

_Your confidence soon faltered however as you instinctively gasped for breath, the chemicals hitting your mind and making you drowsy in an instant. All the anger, fear and energy you had garnered suddenly disappeared, spilling from your body like wine being poured from a pitcher. Relaxing, you felt the grips on your arms and legs removed, your head rolling to the side as the cloth was removed from your nose and mouth._

_“Perfect boys.”_

_You froze, your muscles tightening as your eyes flickered against the oncoming darkness. You recognised that voice, it's sickly sweet tone carrying you into the unknown._

_Nails dug into the skin of your chin as your gaze was wretched to the side, your eyes wide and filled with fear as they met those of Lady Adina’s. The noble seemed especially joyed to see you, her face crinkled into sadistic amusement as she smirked maliciously. The Darkness which swirled within her was seeping from her skin for all to see, her hands deathly cold as though she was the guardian of the underworld herself._

_“Now now….” Adina cooed, her nails scratching across your skin and down your neck. “We don’t want to make this messy now, do we?”_

_The air in your lungs had vanished, your chest rising and falling as you desperately sought the oxygen you craved. You were trapped in your own body, your arms and legs turned to stone as the silhouettes which had been your guardians dissolved away, leaving you prey to a monster._

_“I really wish I could make you scream.”_

_Adina’s shoulders rolled as she reached behind her back, her hands tightening around the handle of a blade as she pulled it free. Gasping you tried to shift away, your body slow and unresponsive as tears spilled down your cheeks. How had she found you? Had your makeshift undertaker revealed your secret survival? Had the men who captured you levied you for some coin? You were supposed to be safe- supposed to be-_

_“You really are a roach.” Adina reiterated, her cold blue eyes shifting into a red hue as she smiled brightly. Fear curled its cold vice like grip around your heart as her pearly white teeth flashed in the low light, their ends morphing before your eyes into tiny white fangs._

_“Sing for me.” Adina smirked, the blade dangling above your heart as she smiled sickeningly. “Sing for me like your sweet Orlo.”_

_With a sharp movement Adina brought the blade down, the gold and silver handle glinting in the light as she twisted it towards your heart. Screaming you broke free from your invisible restraints, only to fall victim to the dagger as it entered your chest. An explosion of pain filtered through you, Adina’s hand clamping around your neck as she forced you back into the table; her claw like nails digging into your flesh._

_“I win.”_

Screaming you jolted awake with a fright, your hands and legs flailing as you shuffled up the small wooden bed you occupied. Your panic heightened as the thin coarse blanket which kept you warm tangled tightly around your limbs, restricting your movement and tricking your raging thoughts. 

Hitting the far wall you fumbled desperately for the small piece of flint beside you, your heart out of control as you heaved unevenly in a vain attempt to regain control of your breathing. With trembling fingers you grasped at the small smooth rock, wasting not even a second before striking it once, twice, three times to light the small wax candle beside you.

In an instant the darkness of your small secluded room was diminished, the warm flickering glow of candle light dissipating the suffocating darkness and the unseen threat that seemed to come with it. Closing your eyes you pressed your free hand against your chest, your heart beating wildly against your palm as you focused on calming your breathing. Your skin was hot and clammy to the touch, small beads of sweat rolling down your face and matting your hair. 

Lady Adina’s eyes still haunted you after all this time, your bravado of being fine with the attempt on your life crumbling as night after night you fell victim to the nightmares which plagued you. It had been months since the incident, the moment fresh on your mind as your shoulder still pulsed with the phantom pain of the gunshot wound you had fallen victim to. 

Opening your eyes you decided to try and distract your mind, as your lingering thoughts on the cruel noble did nothing to slow your pummelling heart. Shifting across the bed you slipped your hand beneath it, fingers brushing against the splintered wooden floorboards as you patted your way towards your secret stash. As predicted, your fingers brushed against the dust covered leather spines of a series of books, your touch lightly tracing their outlines. Selecting one at random, you pulled the volume free from its dusty home.

Settling back against the wall you turned the leather cover over in your hands, your heart skipping a beat at what awaited you. 

The ruined copy of Descartes's Passions de l'âme laid abandoned in your lap, the leather front stained crimson with the dried remnants of your blood. The cover and pages had also fallen victim to the small metal pellet which was fired towards you, the crafted leather cover punctured through the centre and into the pages. 

Tears filled your eyes as you opened the cover slowly, your fingers trailing the pages as you followed the hole deeper. The small musket ball had punctured entirely through the book, each and every page marred by a small and jagged hole. The pellet seemed to have had no end, only ceasing in its destructive journey once it had hit your skin on the other side.

Thankfully however the endless pages on Descartes intricacies of love had reduced the speed of the bullet, meaning that when it finally broke through your makeshift barrier the metal pellet barely pierced your skin. Instead the musket ball bestowed a large aching bruise across your lower abdomen, a small cut oozing thick red blood in the centre. Wincing at the memory, your free hand pressed against your lower stomach as your skin rippled at the thought of the impact; your breath freezing in your lungs. 

This book…. This book had single handedly saved your life.

It was a fact that rang throughout you every moment of every day, a constant reminder to be thankful for the second chance you had been given. In the days that had followed your near death experience, you had found yourself clutching to its pages as though it was a lifeline. Never going anywhere without the book tucked into the waistline of your trousers, or tucked tightly beneath your arm. At night you would turn through the pages endlessly, the words which were still distinguishable committed to your memory as though it was a prayer. 

You would be sure to purchase another copy to read as soon as you could, but you would never replace the stained old pages before you now.

Gasping you blinked away the tears that rolled down your cheeks, the room suddenly closing in around you as you felt the desire for fresh air. Climbing from the small rickety bed, you quietly padded across to the makeshift wardrobe you had been allocated, your hands shaking as you clumsily pulled on an oversized white shirt and elaborate men’s coat. Reaching for some black fitted trousers, you pulled them up and fastened them around the front, your fingers cramming your copy of Descartes between the hemline and your skin before pulling the oversized tunic over it.

Stumbling from the room, you quietly made your way through the small house you temporarily resided in; careful not to wake your ‘neighbours’.

The frightening thing about your nightmares was that they would always start the same, a memory of the lost time that had occurred after you were shot. Flashes of real images and moments committed to your memory with shockingly vivid detail. Even now the story as to your survival was one you did not fully comprehend, a complicated tale which would always require far more time than what was available to retell. But you had been regaled the briefest version countless times, a perfectly timed robbery by the right people in the right place. One small perfectly timed incident which had led you to being taken in by a kind stranger, an old doctor who had once served an old Russian family.

You were not the only stray that had fallen into his hand, three men who had each served as soldiers also turned to the old man seeking his kindness. Aleksander and Victor were both Russian soldiers serving on the front line, the border only half a days walk from the small cottage you sought refuge in now. Both men had defected, slipping from the camps in the dead of night to try and hide away from the responsibilities that called for them. It was frowned upon to leave the military, to bat away your duties in search for an easier life. For it was the men of the country who were to fight and lead, never shying away from a battle and staring death straight in the eyes.

Stilling beside the small door you froze, your eyes latching to a nearby knife which rested on the windowsill beside the entrance. Reaching outwards you grasped at the weapon, clutching it tightly in your palm before pulling the door wide and submerging into the cold early morning air.

Abiørn was the third stray you had met, and his story was the one of which you found to be the most intriguing. When you had come to initially, the blonde haired blue eyed soldier had been beside you, his uniform of blues and yellows chilling you to the bone as you noted his nationality. Sweden had always been a mystery to you, the knowledge you did carry derived from the rumors and whispers you heard spun by the nobles vying for a war and power; propaganda of the clueless. 

You winced as you remembered the way you had screamed for help, the startled faces of the others barging into the room as Abiørn apologised time and time again. 

Sighing you slowly made your way towards the back of the house, shifting easily through the light forest undergrowth and towards a small clearing you often frequented. 

Each and every one of you had been running from a darkness and Igor had been the one to take you in and mend your wounds. Igor was a good man, an aging man with a heart full of love and no-one to give it to. Despite the rest of you moaning about the cramped conditions in your secret hideaway, you had come to realise that Igor seemed to enjoy it. He hadn’t spoken much about his life before, but from the pictures that lined the walls you could see he once had a family, a daughter and wife of whom he loved as though they were the earth itself.

The undergrowth soon opened up into a wide open field, the grass long and flowing with a small mound in the centre. On top of the hill was a large oak tree, its bark crackled and marked with scars from its age, leaves a deep green shifting in hues as autumn slowly lay its claim. On the horizon, the late summer sun was slowly announcing its arrival, the stars dimming as light oranges and blues filled the sky. 

Marching towards the tree, your eyes locked upon the small makeshift dummy which swung from one of the low lying branches, a haphazardly put together sack fastened with pools of rope. The dummy had been erected by Victor as a way of releasing his pent up anger and frustration, you couldn’t recount the amount of nights he had spent in the shadow of the tree alone, small cries filling the air as he pummelled the sacks of sand and dirt with his fists. Yourself, Aleksander and Abiørn would watch from afar, the swede especially apologetic if it had been his own actions to tip your friend over the edge.

_“Don't worry about it Abiørn.” Aleksander smirked as he threw his arm around the Swede and drew him in close, his eyes bright and filled with an emotion you all too recognised. “He’ll work through it.”_

_“I didn’t mean to offend-”_

_“Come on.” Aleksander offered again, his body shifting as he pulled the young man along with him towards one of the bedrooms. “You never finished telling me about Stockholm!”_

Reaching the dummy you stood before it quietly, your eyes dragging across its ragged appearance. It was well used and could stand a beating you would give it that much, its edges only just beginning to fray despite the mass of punches it had withstood. Your hand brushed against the rough sack as you trailed it across its surface, stilling as you brushed the haphazardly stitched angry face. 

_“Come on.” Victor grumbled as he tightly clasped onto your wrist, yanking you off the ground and towards the dummy. “Strike it.”_

_“What!” You exclaimed, your arm wrapped around your lower abdomen as it complained at the movement._

_Victor smirked as he gestured towards the dummy once more, his eyes sparkling with a playful attitude. “I need to see what I’m working with.”_

_“What do you mean?” You laughed your eyes following his own as he circled you. Your skin bristled beneath his bright gaze, his eyes casting you up and down as he seemingly appreciated and analysed your form._

_Coming to a stand before you, Victor clasped his hands behind his back. “Self defence.”_

_“I can’t hit that Victor-”_

_“What if it was that Lady whatever huh?” Victor pried, his face leering closer as he sought to garner a reaction from you._

_Slipping around, he pressed himself up against your back, his voice lingering by your ear as he directed your vision towards the sack. “What if it was Lady Adina? Don’t you want to get your revenge for what she did to you?”_

Growling you surged forwards impulsively, your hands unsheathing the blade you had carried from the house as you plunged it deep into the sack. Releasing your grip on the knife, you curled your hands into fists and pounded against it wildly, your anger, stress, fear and hatred pouring from you and inflicting itself upon the helpless bag of dirt and sand. Flashes of images passed through you with every strike: Adina’s cold eyes, the end of the gun as it fired, her smirk as she watched you across the banquet hall, Orlo’s eyes-

You froze, your vision locked on the stitched face of the dummy as you pictured Orlo’s eyes staring back at you, their surfaces shimmering in the low light of the rising sun as he regarded you with a look of disappointment. 

Regaining your clarity, you glanced down at yourself and your ragged appearance, your chest heaving and clothes a mess from where you had let loose on dummy. Your throat ached from where you had seemingly been yelling and shouting with each strike, cheeks damp with the trails of old tears which had slipped from your eyes without your knowledge. 

You were a _mess_.

Reaching for the knife's handle as you pulled it free. Stumbling away from the dummy, you watched absently as the dirt and sand trickled free from the wound you had inflicted in your anger. 

Orlo…. The man was never far from your thoughts, his memory constantly filling your head whenever it could. His warmth, his chocolate eyes- even his scent from the nights spent hovered over you as he taught you to write. You sought a form of comfort from it, from the ideas and hope that had once bubbled within your chest. You had no doubt that what you felt was the early blossom of love, the small buds popping free and revealing a beautiful flower within you. The realisation had been as stark as night and day, your determination to get back to the palace filling you completely after a month of nothingness.

And finally that day had come. 

“You’re awake.” 

You gasped as you spun on the spot, the knife you clutched pointed towards Igor as the elder clambered up the steep hill with shaky legs.

“ _Again_.” Igor reiterated as he drew to a stop on the incline, his eyes narrowed towards you as he inspected your form.

“Sorry.” The apology spilled from your lips in an instant, your arm lowering as you re-sheathed the dagger. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“You didn’t.”Igor smiled. Slowly his gaze wandered across to the swinging dummy, the sand and dirt pouring from the coarse sacks as it deflated before his eyes. 

With a heavy sigh, the man stepped forwards once more. “I have the same night terrors you know. It might help you, to talk about it.”

A frown tugged at your features as you looked away, ashamed of your feelings but not meaning for them to be misconstrued as a lack of gratitude. 

The dreams you had fallen prone to were just dreams, your mind working overtime to spin up stories and webs of lies to distract you from the present. Those distractions however would often mirror reality, a darkness creeping in between the light and distorting your vision and awakening your fight or flight mechanism. 

If you were a young child then you would show no shame in admitting your flaws, your weakness to the darkness which clouded your mind. But as a full grown adult with a sense of reality and common sense, you knew that your fears and night terrors could be taken out of context. Twisted to another's betterment and turned against you as a deadly dagger, damaging your reputation and swung before you in a taunting manner.

But even then that wasn't what stopped you from speaking the truth now. You trusted Igor, the elder stranger who had saved your life and that of others, a kind man who bore no ill content against your soul. An individual who just wished to spread the love that he held, to support those around him. No, you couldn't speak of it because the truth was far more chilling, so much so that even thinking about it sent a shiver down your spine.

Acknowledging the nightmares and terrors would only make them seem more real, and you couldn’t bear to address the true issues which were hidden beneath the disguise of a nightmare.

Clearing your throat, you picked up the conversation after a lengthy pause. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Of course.” Igor acknowledged with a scoff, his feet shuffling to the side as he turned to look back towards the small stone house. “You remind me of my daughter in that way. _Stubborn_.”

Leaning backwards the ageing man fell to the ground with an almighty thump, his hands splaying outwards to save his momentum as he settled down amongst the long swaying grass. Tilting his head, his eyes caught your silhouette.

“Come-” Igor beckoned, his gaze returning to the horizon as he patted the ground beside him. “Sit with me.”

Inclining your head you turned the small dagger over in your hands, a soft sigh spilling from your lips as you tucked it into the waistband of your trousers. Shuffling forwards, you leaned back down into the grass beside him, your eyes trained to the trees adjacent.

The valley in which the small stone house resided was a beautiful one, an expanse of land which remained virtually untouched by the hands of men. Everything was natural, holding a beauty of which you used to dream of. Surrounding the expansive field was a thick ring of trees, their leaves varying in shades of colour as they rustled against each other in the light breeze. The sky above was painted in a mirage of colours, blues and blacks disappearing beneath the growing oranges and yellows as the sun crept across the horizon. Veils of light shimmered through the layers of clouds, filtering across the landscape and chasing away the shadows. 

It was perfect, an almost identical mirror to the daydreams that would fill your head of stargazing. Long nights of peace, the cold chased away by the warmth of your companion as you simply observed the environment around you. Closing your eyes you smiled lightly as you pictured the image that comforted you, your mind naturally drawing back to the familiar bureaucrat.

“Peaceful, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” You hummed, your eyes still closed to the world around you. The light morning breeze fluttered across your features, brushing through your hair and rustling your light white tunic. “It’s what I’ve always imagined it to be like.”

“Then why leave?”

Your eyes flew open as you turned to the man beside you, his warm yet stern gaze trained on your own features as he watched you closely. Crossing your arms over your chest instinctively, you turned away from the man in embarrassment, your voice rising in pitch as you immediately jumped on the defensive.

“Igor-”

“It is a perfectly reasonable question. Why leave somewhere so perfect to go back to that- that-” Igor trailed off, his hands gesturing around in the space between you as he seemingly sought the best word to describe the cesspit of disaster you had escaped.

Smirking, you allowed yourself some small amusement in his flustered appearance.

Tilting your head, you supplied a suitable description for him.

“ _Fucking_ nightmare?”

Nodding, Igor pointed towards you in agreement. “Exactly.” 

As quickly as it had formed your smile fell from your features, the moment quickly turning towards the same conversation you had shared with the man countless times before. Pausing, you bit down on your lip in consideration, your heart resolved in your decision to leave before pushing forwards.

“Because I have a duty.”

“You have no duty.”Igor rebutted softly, his eyes wide as he leaned in closer. “You were a serf. You owe no man, or woman your life. Especially after what they did to you.”

You flinched at the declaration, your eyes zipping away from his own as you tried in vein to shield your mind from the darkness which prodded against it. Focusing on the rising sun, you instead zoned in on the bright thoughts which had guided you through the past few months. 

Today was the day in which you would return to the palace, reveal your survival to the Empress and be reunited with Orlo. Today you would finally return home, a strange word for a place so vile but true nonetheless. Descartes’s Passions de l’ame nestled against you as you shifted uncomfortably in your spot, another physical reminder of the more brighter times ahead. Soon enough you would return the copy to Orlo, handing him the letter which still remained stowed amongst the pages; admitting your feelings and bearing your heart.

“Why do _you_ want to go back?” Igor pressed again through your silence, his hand cupping your cheek as he guided your unsteady gaze back to his own. Chewing the inside of your lip, you tried in vain to hide the veil of tears which slowly rose to the surface, your vision blurred as you frantically blinked them away.

“Tell me.” Igor whispered, “Really?”

A softness grew across the elders' features as he looked upon you with so much warmth and love, it made you doubt your own train of thought. Igor had only shown you kindness since you had entered his home and ate his food, his nature had been bright and his wisdom intriguing as he passed on all he knew about the medical sciences. The man had lived a colourful life, but was just as haunted by a dark past as the rest of you. 

Igor was broken deep inside, and the only way in which he could help fight his own fears was to fix those broken around him. He was selfless and had quickly found a special place within your heart. In fact, in many ways Igor was what you had always imagined having a father would be like. A constant mentor and protector, someone who would never lose faith in you. 

And because of that you found you couldn’t lie to him any longer. Couldn't brush away the conversation of returning to the palace with an _‘another time’_ or _‘not now’_. 

Your wandering thoughts were reined in once again as Igor's thumb brushed across your skin, his head tilting to the side as his own eyes shimmered with a sense of concern and trepidation; a worry that was not for himself.

Clearing your throat, your hand reached upwards to meet his own, guiding his palm downwards so that you could clasp his fingers tightly. 

“I never said my duty was to a man or woman.”

“Then who is it to?”

“Russia.”

“Russia?”

Your mouth fell open as the words died on your lips, a moment of hesitation filling you before being brushed away. Smirking, you released the man's hand and turned towards him, your eyes bright and eyebrows raised as you lowered your tone.

“There is a coup.”

The reaction you received was not one you expected but was relieving regardless. With a short laugh the man rolled his eyes, his hands pressing back behind him as he leaned away to look out across the horizon in a far away stare. 

“About time.”

You snorted, your tone light as you sealed the declaration with an instruction. “You can not tell anyone Igor, not even-”

“My dear.” Igor cut across, his head tilting to face you as he raised a single eyebrow in mild amusement. “I have housed and healed Swedish soldiers, accepted the cowardice of Russian men fleeing from the front and most importantly have a glorious beard.” 

Igor raised a single hand to run his fingers through the cascading beard which adorned his features, the thick wiry hair catching on his nails as he dramatically flaunted it for you to see. Laughing, you felt your face crinkle upwards in amusement, your hand waving outwards as you batted away his flaunts with a light slap to the arm.

Chuckling Igor returned to his previous posture, his tone resolute. “I can assure you that I am no friend of Peter.”

“I know.” You acknowledged brightly, your eyes watering as you nodded towards the beard once more. “It is a good beard.”

“Right?” Igor smirked, his hand moving to gesture towards it once more before you batted it away preemptively. 

Giggles of laughter slowly dissolved into a comfortable silence between you once more, both pairs of eyes trained to the rising sun as the birds started to chirp at its arrival. The rustling of trees and snapping of twigs set your nerves alight, your legs drawn forwards and ready to bolt in a moments notice. Although the valley was peaceful and filled with light and warmth, threats still lurked just beyond the visible tree line: bears, wolves and bloodthirsty men all eager to stake their claim. 

Suddenly aware of the silence you shared, you glanced across to the man beside you. He seemed distracted by the birds floating across the horizon, his eyes shifting between them as he traced their movements. They appeared to only be young, perhaps leaving the nest for the first time and enjoying their taste of freedom.

A bitterness coated your tongue as you sighed deeply, a lead weight of guilt forming in the pit of your stomach as you relented further. “There is _something_ else-”

Igor turned then, his eyes tracing your profile as you refrained from looking him in the eye. You could tell he was reading you like a book, those warm eyes prying past your barriers to see your true intentions. It was a skill that only one other man possessed, Orlo. Orlo could always see through the lies which you spun to shield him from the truth, he had broken through your walls with a single look, touch and now kiss. 

“From the look on your face I would say that _‘something’_ is more of a someone.” Igor commented wisely, his voice cracking around the edge with age. 

Smiling, you brushed away the rogue tears which had dared to spill from your eyes, the remnants of tear tracks glistening in the fresh light of the rising sun. 

“You can tell?”

“We all could.” Igor commented wryly, “You turned down Victor’s proposal of a new life.”

Your eyes fell at the reminder of what you had turned away, your heart aching for the man you had seemingly led astray. Victor was a kind soul who had seemed to have taken a liking towards you, and admittedly in another lifetime you had no doubt that the man would be your ideal suitor. He was kind but brave, forward thinking and quick to action. He was a tactical soul who had once thrived in battle, only weakened by his emphatic nature. Victor was just as haunted by his memories as you were, and it was because of that that you had both been drawn to each other. 

Still, the day he had fallen to a single knee and taken your hand had surprised you more than anything. His words were soft as he tried to convince you to stay, to stay with him and to build a new life together far from here. As a couple, or as two souls joined together- he didn't care what you labelled yourselves just so long as he had a companion. 

In another world you would have probably said yes, but the memory of Orlo and the thought of your friends at the palace had cemented your stance. You would never forget the light that had died in his eyes that day, replaced instead with a determination to make you see sense.

Shaking your head you turned your attention to the edge of your white tunic, your fingernails tracing the fraying edge in a nervous tick. 

“Victor deserves better than what I can offer.”

“No.” Igor commented sternly. “You deserve better than Victor.”

“B-”

“Is he a good man?”

In an instant you had understood the shift in the conversation, your hands stilling as those warm chocolate eyes filled your minds eye. Running your tongue across your lips, you could have sworn you could still taste the beef and onion stew from the banquet, the memory of his hands grasping your hips sending your skin a flutter with the phantom touch. 

“Yes.” You declared without hesitation. 

Turning towards Igor you tilted your head, “You may have heard of him?”

Igor shrugged halfheartedly, a blade of grass tucked between his fingers as he too seemingly busied himself with a distraction. 

“I am not well versed in Peter’s court my dear, but you may tell me his name in case I need to speak with him at a later date.”

“Orlo.” You whispered, his name light on your tongue. “Count Orlo.”

Igor jumped, the grass falling from his hand as his head whipped around to face you entirely. His forehead filled with deep cavernous lines, brows pulled upwards in surprise as his mouth hung ajar. 

“A count?” Igor repeated as he seemingly sought clarification, “With a serf?”

You frowned at the reaction, your arms collapsing inwards once more as you bristled at the comment. Of course you knew to expect some sort of disbelief at the revelation, after all Counts were some of the highest nobility in Russia, descendants from old money and large family names which carried their own history. It was rare- near unheard of for a count to stoop as low as a commoner, to pick a serf over another high class noble and to miss out on the opportunity of expanding their wealth. 

What had surprised you was the seeming look of disgust which had flashed across Igor’s eyes for the briefest moments, his surprise seemingly mocking your own status as a being. 

“Sorry, I-” Igor apologised, his hands raised as he brushed away the look of shock from his features. “I just never pictured you to be with a noble, and a high class one at that.”

“He’s different.” You argued defensively, your walls slowly lowering as you settled back into the conversation. “Kind, caring… educated. We were supposed to meet, to talk about everything and-” 

You cut off your rambling as your mind caught up with your tongue, a loud sigh slipping from your lips wistfully as you recalled the kiss you had shared and the look of warmth that had filled his features as he asked you to meet him later that evening.

“I feel that-” You smiled, the warmth of the rising sun splashing across your features and feeding the excited energy which bubbled inside of you. “I feel that my feelings may not be as unrequited as I initially thought.”

Igor remained only partially convinced, his tone low and tinged with a slight disregard. “A noble with power and wealth, who harbours the same feelings?”

“Yes.” 

“Yet-” He paused as his eyes met your own, his mouth screwing shut as he seemingly considered his next words. “This _‘Orlo’_ has sent no-one to search for you.”

The air was zapped from your lungs as you deflated back down, your energy drained from you in an instance as Igor's words rang throughout your head. This was how the topic of the palace and your commitments always ended, your dedication and love for your friends thrown back in your face with throwaway comments and remarks designed to cut deep. What made it worse was that deep down you knew that their words carried some form of truth, powered by meaning, facts and a love for your well-being. 

But there's always an explanation… There had to be...

After all you were the only person who knew Orlo, Catherine and Marial. The only one who understood their true natures beneath the impartial guises they wore. They were caring and committed, you had no doubt that they would have searched for you the day you went missing. Perhaps we're even searching now...

“Igor-”

“I know we agreed not to speak of it, but this is my last chance.” Igor pressed, his eyes narrowed inwards as he quickly continued.

“That place discarded you, you were almost killed. You would be dead if it was not for that book! Duty or not, I have not seen your friends or palace riders trying to find you, to locate your body. If the Empress is-”

“You’ve spoken to Victor.” You interrupted, your heart sinking as you recalled the conversation you had shared with the man the day previous.

“He came to me.”

“Asked you to convince me? to change my mind?”

“No! I just want you to make the right choice for yourself. You are a selfless soul and I worry-”

“AS ARE THEY!” You exclaimed, your voice louder than you had intended. Beside you the tree erupted with energy as the birds which had sought refuge rose into the sky and fled the scene, the quiet peaceful morning you had been enjoying shattered by your echoing voice. 

Shaking your head you wordlessly apologised for the outburst, your hand pointed towards Igor accusingly as the tears you had managed to stow away earlier returned in an instance. 

“You do not know what’s happened in the palace! None of us do! So much has happened over the past few months, look at the war!” 

Igor nodded as he shifted closer, his leg tucked up beneath him as he turned to face you fully. Turning away from his gaze you focused instead on the words spilling from your mouth, on the key points you were trying to make; driving home your reasoning for leaving.

“I have no doubt they would have searched for me.” You declared towards the horizon, “We just haven’t seen anything because we are far from St Petersburg-”

“My dear.” Igor whispered softly, his hands grasping at your own and capturing your attention. 

Turning towards him you frowned, his eyes were filled with regret as a sadness took hold of his voice. Avoiding your gaze, the elder looked away towards the ground as though he was an ashamed child being lectured by his parents.

“My dear you are not far from St Petersberg.”

“We…” The words died on your lips as the tears spilled from your eyes, tiny salty rivers staining your cheeks and dripping down to your chin. Shivering from the cool air which brushed across you, you focused on the revelation Igor had shared.

“We are not? But… But you said-”

“I _lied_.” Igor spat, his gaze meeting your own as his hands tightened around your palms. Slowly his fingers stroked across your skin, a small movement which looked to provide you comfort. 

“I did it to protect you, you were so eager to go running back to the place which almost killed you before you had fully healed.” 

Sniffling you dejectedly asked the question of which the answer you dreaded.

“How far?”

Igor sighed.

“A day's ride at least.” 

“I-” You brokenly whispered, your head shaking side to side as you remained solid in your belief. “That doesn’t change anything.”

“It does not?” 

“It wasn’t their fault. Peter probably stopped Catherine from doing-”

“Catherine is the Empress is she not?”

“Yes but-”

“Then there is nothing stopping her, she has her own powers.” Igor plainly responded, his hands tightening around your own. “And _Count Orlo_? He would have his own powers, his own wealth to fund your search.”

Your heart cracked in two as you wretched your hands away from the man before you, your eyes losing focus and staring at a point just beyond his shoulder. You couldn’t lose your faith now, even if the blows which had been dealt to you had broken you emotionally. There was always a reason, perhaps the war had blocked them from safely searching the surrounding areas. Perhaps Adina…

“Maybe Adina…”

Igor groaned as he turned away to stare towards the horizon once more, his features hardened as he closed down the argument before it could erupt once more. “You are _stubborn_ and _headstrong_ in your beliefs.”

The elder regarded you from the side of his eye, a heavy sigh filling the air. “And you will not listen to otherwise.”

“I’m sorry.”

Igor shook his head as he turned back to face you, a small sad smile tugging at the corner of his lips. 

“I’m sorry to. But please, if you do decide to leave remember that you are _special_. No man’s life is worth more than your own. I will not stop you from leaving, from seeing your friends. But if you change your mind, do know that you are welcome here.” 

Reaching forwards, Igor’s palm brushed away at the tears which rolled down your cheeks, his head tilting to the side as he regarded you with a sense of pride and love. 

“You will _always_ be welcome here.” He reiterated, his hands gathering your own as he pressed a single kiss against the back of your fingers.

“Thank you.” You choked, a smile of your own blossoming as you shuffled forwards to lean into the man. With a sigh you rested your head against his shoulder and turned back towards the sunrise, the sparkling stars of the night almost completely masked by the light of the rising sun. 

“Victor will not be pleased.” Igor hummed, his arm curling around your shoulders to keep you pulled against him in a warm half hug.

“I _promise_ to return. Unhappy or not, I will visit.”

“If you do, be sure to do so before the end of Autumn.”

Pulling away slightly, you tilted your head upwards to try and catch the elder’s features more clearly. 

“Why?”

“As soon as he is well, Abiørn is leaving for Sweden.” Igor smirked, his eyebrow quipped as he met your gaze. “He’s taking Aleksander with him.”

“Aleksander is going?”

Igor nodded with a bright smile, a mask to try and hide his true feelings. But you could still see the sadness of loss tinged across his eyes, a slight crack in his facade of indifference. 

It seemed that losing you wasn’t the only blow he had suffered that day.

“Those two seem to have formed a bond.” 

Pulling away from the hug altogether, your heart twinged for Igor and what losing you all truly meant for him. “What of Victor?”

“After what you have just told me?” Igor paused, his lips pursed as he considered the question for a moment. “I am sure he will wait a while before he leaves for pastors new.” 

Shaking your head you looked away, your attention quickly recaptured by Igor however as his hands clasped your shoulders tightly and steered you towards him. Frowning, you glanced down at his grip before meeting his gaze, your stomach flipping at the slight wisps of tears which slipped from his eyes.

“Please.” Igor whispered, his lip quivering as his vulnerability flowed free. “For the sake of an old man, stay out of harm's way. I do not think my old heart could bear to lose another daughter.”

Shaking your head, you felt your own tears blossoming once more, held at bay only by your need to appear strong and resolute for the kind man before you. Covering his hands with your own, you squeezed them tightly.

“You won’t. I promise.”

A small smile filled Igor’s features as he nodded once, his hands falling free as he slowly eased himself up from the grassy hill. Following suit, you lingered beside him for a few moments, watching his posture carefully in case he should stumble or fall. Brushing down his appearance, the man groaned as he straightened his back and clicked his bones.

You would miss this place, this peacefulness. Miss the family that you had unwittingly found on the outskirts of St Petersberg. But you wouldn’t be leaving them forever, first you had to return home to let your friends know of your survival, to help them in overturning the rule of Russia to a woman who carried greater potential. 

First you had to help secure a future for them all.

The journey back had taken less time than you had initially anticipated, Igor was telling the truth when he revealed that St Petersburg was barely a day's ride from the small cottage secluded in the woods. You had made even better time by electing to ride bareback on the horse they had salvaged from your final carriage ride, the lighter weight allowing the mare to power down the woodland path at a faster pace. The only downside of your near constant gallop was the toll it had on your back and hips, your muscles and joints aching passionately from the journey.

You had decided on only taking two stops to refresh and eat, your afternoon spent beside a small stream as you waffled down the leftovers from the previous night's meal. Licking your fingers clean, you had noted the dying of the sun, your hands quick at packing up your limited supplies once more before setting off on the last stretch towards the palace.

And now you were finally _‘home’._

Slowing your horse down to trot, your mind became unfocused with wandering thoughts and memories. A symphony of feelings shifting through you like the ever changing sands of a desert. A sense of happiness and anxiousness swamped you at the same time, an undercurrent of fear twisting in your stomach as you approached the palace. 

You had hoped to have planned your words for when you returned, some grand gesture or remark which summarised your small adventure into a single word or action. Sadly though the ideas had surpassed you, and the grandeur you had dreamt up fell flat before your feet. 

Ahead the palace seemed still and devoid of life, the sun setting on the horizon and a chill descending upon you. It was almost as though it was already working to snuff out the light within you, its well of rose coloured water already barren from your own personal experiences. Even a lick of paint to the outside of the building could not hide the true atrocities which occurred within its walls.

Yet here you were, beaming from ear to ear as you looked up at the _shithole_ you considered to be your home.

Halting your horse at the front of the large grand building, you dismounted with ease, your hand running across its unruly mane as you patted it down in a silent thanks. 

Standing before the palace now you felt dwarfed beneath it, the anxiety you had been doing well to quell bubbling within you once more as you were taken back to your first day as a serf. The occasional noble and servant powered past you as they roamed through the grounds, you didn’t recognise many of the faces, but it was likely in the months that you had been gone that many of the people who once resided within the walls had fled or been locked up for misdemeanour. After all the faces which filled the palace seemed to change every day, let alone every month.

Stepping forwards you started marching towards the grand entrance, the large doors hanging slightly ajar as a cacophony of voices and jeers filtered out and into the night. The closer you got the stronger the scent of a feast became, your stomach growling at the mix of meats and sweet herbs which filled your head and made your mouth water. Tonight must be a night of celebration, a large feast for whatever the Emperor had deemed worthy of a toast. 

The celebrations would work in your favour, the nobles would be far too inebriated to question your presence and the servants too overworked to notice you. It was the perfect guise for slipping back into the place unnoticed. The only problem was finding your friends. Undoubtedly they would be attending the same feast, swamped either by orders or entertaining brain dead nobles for the majority of the evening. 

Breaking into a light jog, you ignored the rogue glances cast your way by the couples walking past the entrance. Your head drawn low and coat pulled tighter around you as you slipped in through one of the servant side doors. Moving as quickly as you could, you used the fellow serfs around you as a shield for your own attire, the lavish embellished green mens coat a clear giveaway for your unauthorised presence in the tightly enclosed servants quarters.

Sneaking into the palace was a surprisingly easy affair, the faces of serfs constantly changing and leading to an easily forgettable sea of staff. You used to feel animosity towards the fact, yearning for a sense of recognition and compensation for your actions. But now you were grateful, as it allowed you to slip through the small winding corridors without even a glance.

Spotting the entrance to the grand hall you powered forwards, cutting across a couple of approaching serfs and steering yourself towards the doors. 

“OI WATCH IT!”

You winced as you held your hands up apologetically to a serf you had stumbled into, their face covered in soot as they eyed you carefully. Stepping backwards, you made room for them to pass.

“Sorry!”

“What are you doing back ‘ere?” The woman questioned again, her face scrunched up in consideration as they leaned in ever closer.

“I-uh I need to go!” You exclaimed quickly, your hands pressing against the large entrance doors and submerging yourself into the main corridor. 

The long wooden hallway pulled the breath from your lungs as you were suddenly thrust back into the memory of your final night, your ghostly apparition running down its length and slipping into one of the many secret passageways with Orlo in tow. Your skin twitched as a strange mix of emotions bubbled within you, relief encompassing your mind but also filling you with a sense of unease. This place brought out the best and worst in you, left your mind spinning and gasping for air as you tried to place your true feelings.

Everything shifted around you as a blur, only the soft gasps and muttering voices kept you tethered to your current mission. 

A sharp nudge to your shoulder sent you stumbling to the side, a servant's eyes widening as he took in your attire. Glancing down, you felt a blush bloom across your cheeks at the realisation for your added attention. Of course over the months in isolation, healing in your small bed you had become accustomed to the loose fitted shirt and mens coat you adorned. But to the outside world, to a palace filled with traditional nobles and servants- you were exposed and a walking disaster. 

“Fuck me.” 

Spinning on your heel your mouth dropped wide as Marial stood before you, her face painted in a similar look of surprise. 

“You’re alive.”

Marial seemed to look the same as ever, her dress spotless of stains and dirt as she simply wandered the halls to and from the Empress’s quarters. Today though her hair was tied up and brushed away from her face, concealed beneath the thick white wrap of which you loathed. She seemed to recover from her state of shock quickly, her eyes fluttering as she blinked away the tears and stumbled towards you.

Smiling you opened and closed your mouth like a fish, the grand words and declarations you had imagined for your dramatic reveal falling short. 

“Marial?”

Marial wrapped her arms tightly around you, squeezing you as you pressed your head against her shoulder. Reciprocating the hug, you tried in vain to hold yourself together. You hadn’t expected to feel so relieved and happy to be returning to a palace filled with death, destruction and broken dreams. Yet here you were, leaning into one of your closest friends with tears brimming in your eyes.

“God you’re really here.”

Pulling away, Marial glanced at you up and down, her hands shifting as she brushed down your coat and tugged away at the loose white tunic beneath. 

Tutting, she eyed you suspiciously, “What _are_ you wearing?”

You laughed lightly, your heart bristling with a warmth as you finally felt relieved. Out of all of the questions you had expected her to ask, a question pertaining to your dress sense had been the last. You opened your mouth, seconds from replying when a dark silhouette crossed the hallway ahead, your heart skipping a beat as the silhouette and stature reminded you of Orlo.

Orlo. The man of whom you had longed for the most in your months of isolation and separation, the man who had unwittingly stolen your heart and treasured it through your time apart. He was the true reason for your return, the driving force in your longing to once again walk the halls of the palace. The coup was of course a priority, but in your dance with death you had come to realise that life really wasn't as dragged out as you supposed it to be. Moments like love were designed to be treasured and experienced to the fullest, for you would never know when you would draw your last breath.

Suddenly your mission morphed and shifted, a new goal of finding Orlo and telling him everything encompassing you entirely. You had waited long enough, dragged out your feelings for all to see. Finally it was time to dive into the arms of fate and destiny.

Jumping into action you started to bound along the hallway, your head lowered as you sought to keep the attention off yourself. The effort however was pointless as Marial quickly jumped into action after you, her footsteps hot on your heels as she lightly called your name and fired question after question towards your retreating form. 

You wished you had the time to stand there and talk to your friend, to explain the journey you had been on, but the pressure within you had mounted and after months and months of waiting you finally wanted it over with. Besides, it would be easier to recount your tale before them all in the next coup meeting. Repeating it endlessly would not only be tiring, but aggravating to yourself.

“Wait!” Marial cried as she hiked up her skirts and struggled to match your pace.“Where are you going? You can’t just run off!”

Rounding a corner you narrowly missed one of the serving staff, your head dipping as you ducked beneath a large platter containing the remains of what once appeared to be a pig.

“What happened? You’ve been gone for-”

“Too long of a story, too little time.” You uttered beneath your breath, your eyes shifting anxiously around the room as you passed a pair of the Emperor's guards. “I’ll tell you all in the meeting.”

“Fucking slow down!” Marial cried as she caught your elbow, pulling you backwards once more. “Where are you going?”

You frowned, your body arching as you turned to face Marial. “Where’s Orlo?”

“Orlo?” She repeated, her face muddled up in confusion. “Why are you looking for him?”

“I need to speak with him urgently.” You explained, your eyes widening as you remembered the situation you had left him in last. “Oh no...Lady Adina hasn’t killed him has she?”

“No!” Marial exclaimed, her eyes wide as she shook her head. “God's no, unfortunately Catherine wouldn’t allow it. Not that we would be missing-”

“Marial.”

“He’s _fine_.” Marial answered with a strop, her hand pressed to her hip as she gestured down the corridor towards his usual apartments. “He’s probably in his apartments-”

You didn’t wait for her to finish before turning on your heel and continuing your march towards his quarters, your hands brushing down your coat and appearance as you walked. Behind you, Marial cursed beneath her breath, her feet clacking against the wooden floorboards as she trailed your quickly retreating form. 

There was so much you needed to catch up on, so much you needed to hear about. Not only just on the war and the progress of the coup, but of the way they had dealt with Lady Adina. Your warning to Orlo should have been enough to keep him safe, perhaps he had passed it on to the Empress in order to frame her and dispose of her. Or maybe- just maybe they had blackmailed her into supporting them, whether through a financial aid or just a word of recommendation. 

Regardless, you couldn't wait to hear of the retribution she would have finally received, some form of revenge for her actions against you and her other servants. It wouldn’t taste as sweet as your own plans, but the thought of the noble walking away from the palace sour mouthed and without her prize of Orlo seemed to raise your spirits.

“Wait!” Marial raised her voice, her words catching the attention of passing nobles. “No! You can’t go to him now! You should come with me, to see Catherine and-”

Tilting your head you regarded your friend with a small smile. For once the Empress could wait, instead you would put your own life before that of any coup, your own happiness and plans just as important as any others. 

“Later, Marial.” You regarded as you turned and continued your jog down the corridor, the final turn into the residential suites looming ahead of you.

“WAIT!” 

“Marial!” A voice cried out behind you, its tone commanding and seemingly impatient.

“One moment!” Marial huffed back, her voice slowly becoming muffled as the distance between you grew.

“Now Marial!”

“Y/N!” Marial shouted out again, her footsteps slowly fading as you rounded the final corner and slowed your jog to a walk. 

“Y/N!” The voice filtered through the air again, closely followed by a loud and resounding, “ _FUCK_!”

Glancing up and down the hallway you took a deep and calming breath, your hands shaking before you as you tried in vain to still your nerves. Spotting a nearby glass window, you scurried across to check your reflection, brushing down your hair and straightening out your loose oversized clothes. 

The coat you wore would likely be the most lavish you would ever wear, the deep green material covered in golden swirls and lined with thick black fur. The buttons up the front mirrored the elaborate design with their own golden etchings, highlighted by a single thread of black stitching. Tucking in your loose white tunic you quickly adjusted the neckline, straightening out the series of ruffles which lined the top before tightening the ties to further help conceal your modesty. Your long black form fitting trousers were stained with mud and muck, your hands desperately picking away at the dirt in a vain attempt to appear your best.

Stepping backwards you sighed in content, nodding at your mirror image as you smoothed out your hair once more. Bright eyes shone back at you as you gazed at your appearance sceptically, the hazy reflection mirroring the same bubbling energy which pulsed through your veins.

“Orlo.” You quietly practised, your words almost a whisper. “I need to tell you that-” 

Hesitating you frowned, the words dying on your lips as your nerves or rather excitement got the better of you. Shaking your head, you smoothed down your tunic once more, thankful that Orlo’s usual staff seemed to be missing from their positions outside of his door. 

“Orlo.” You tried again, agitation causing you to grit your teeth as you failed to speak your words.

Pressing your hands to your waistband you felt the familiar comfort of the book he had lent you, the letter which held the words you always wanted to say concealed inside. Stepping away from your reflection you turned back to the large oak doors of Orlo’s apartments, your heart pummeling away as you pressed your palm against the cool wood lightly. You would go in there and speak in the moment, falling back onto the book if the words slipped from your mind once more. 

You had waited long enough, now was the time for change. 

Now was the time for your future.

Pressing forwards you pushed the wooden doors open with a flourish, your mouth falling wide as your mind worked two steps ahead of yourself. “Or-”

_“Orlo?”_

The faint words of another woman filtered through the door across the room, the archway forming a boundary which separated the Count’s receiving room from his bedroom. Wandering further into the receiving room you found your eyes locked on the second set of doors suspiciously, the cry you had heard had easily silenced your own and had seemed to originate from beyond the second set of large doors. 

_“Orlo!”_

Your vision became tunnelled as you slowly walked towards the doors in question, the walls filled with books and large works of art a blur to your mind as you found yourself hyper focused on the soft rustling emanating from beyond the wooden barrier ahead of you. Side stepping a small table with an ornate vase, you surged forwards as you quickly reached them. 

Deep down you knew what you were doing was wrong, snooping in on the Count’s activities was against every moral bone in your body. But your stomach was twisting itself into knots with apprehension, your chest heaving as your heart beat out of control from within your chest. As if confirming your urges to peak, the woman's voice whispered through the cracks once more, this time filled with agitation and frustration. 

If you hadn't been so lost in your own world, you probably would have recognised the _sickening_ tone before you pushed open the doors, saving yourself from the moment you were to witness.

But sadly you hadn’t and what you found would stay burnt into your mind forever.

Prying the doors apart with a gentle click, you made to enter the room with a short apology lingering on the tip of your tongue. But unfortunately you never made it, your hand on the door freezing it partially open as the words died on your lips and your mouth fell ajar.

Directly across from you stood Orlo, his skin rippling in the flickering candlelight of the room as he hunched forwards over his bed devoid of clothes. Sprawled beneath him and over the edge in a similar state of undress was Lady Adina herself, her voice flowing through the air as she chastised the man above her with a sharp tone.

“For fucks sake you realise to fuck me you actually have to-”

You flinched as Orlo’s hips jolted forwards, his hands fumbling in front of himself before resting on Adina's thighs. The woman you had come to hate groaned lowly as she wrapped her legs around him, the heel of her feet digging into his backside as she pushed him in closer. 

“YES!” Adina cooed, her hands sprawled across the bed as she shimmied herself forwards. “Thats it now…”

Horrified you found yourself frozen on the spot as you watched Orlo begin to rock his hips into her, the muscles in his back contracting as he seemingly worked at a slow pace. His hands tightened around her legs as his fingers dug down into her skin, his long hair free from its usual tie as it cascaded down and over his shoulders. 

Your eyes remained locked on the terrifying image before you, burning themselves into his back as you felt your heart shatter inside your chest and come to a complete and utter standstill.

“Come on I've already guided your _pathetic ass_ through your first-” 

Adina was cut off as Orlo fell forwards over her, his arms positioned either side of her face as he used her position on the bed to his advantage, his hips rocking into her more forcefully than before.

“FUCK!” Adina cried, her hands latching to his back as her nails pressed into his skin. Even from your position tucked inside the small crack of the door you could see the small imprints and marks she littered his back with; marking him as her own. “Faster!”

Orlo wordlessly obliged, his hips increasing their pace as an obscene sound of skin slapping together filled the air, the acute and distinctive smell of sex assaulting your nostrils and overwhelming your senses. 

Hiking up her leg, the count seemed to levy Adina’s position to allow himself to dig deeper, his new position revealing the noble who haunted your dreams. Adina appeared to be just as you remembered her from that fatal night. Only now instead of carrying a look of disdain and anger, her face was screwed up and eyes closed in a state of complete and utter bliss. 

Stumbling away you closed the door lightly, your eyes blurred with tears as the voices continued to haunt you, carried through the door with ease as though they were made of paper and not wood.

_“Right there! Fuck me!”_ Adina cried, her tone high pitched and whiny as she seemingly keened under his touch. _“Oh god! Yes!”_

If you weren’t broken already then Orlo’s next words were the ones which finished you off, a low sultry groan which will echo in your ears for days to come.

“ _Fuck_ …” Orlo hissed, a low groan of pleasure following suit.

_“Harder Orlo! Yes, YES! That’s it! For little experience you are a quick learner, are you sure-”_

A loud crash filled the air as you suddenly jumped in surprise. 

In your tactical retreat away from the doors which led to your own personal definition of a nightmare, your back had hit the small table and vase. The impact enough to send the small ornate artifact rocking side to side, toppling over the edge and crashing into a mess of ceramic shards on the floor below. Numbly you stared down at the shards which rested under your feet, your mind instantly comparing it to the state of your broken heart and lost dreams.

The moans from the Count’s bedroom suddenly halted, increasing the prevalence of the slapping and contact as Orlo continued to make love to Lady Adina.

“ _What was that?”_ Orlo’s voice questioned, fightful and breathy from exertion.

_“Probably one of your staff-”_ Adina chastised with a whine, _“Stop worrying and look at me! I’d like to watch you come undone as you release yourself inside of me… because of_ ** _me!_** _”_

Feeling the bile rise in the back of your throat you stumbled away and back out of the doors you had passed through, closing them behind you so that the noises you had heard were sealed off from the world completely. Running you refused to look back as you allowed your legs to carry you as far away from the nightmare as possible, your ears ringing with the low moans of Orlo and Adina and haunting you entirely.

The world around you passed in a blur, the tears which had been brimming in your eyes slipping down your cheeks in a torrent as you scurried away to the only safe place you had left. 

In a blink of an eye you were on the roof of the palace, alone and with only the stars to comfort you. Stumbling back against the access door you let yourself slip down to the floor, to rest amongst the shattered remains of your heart. Everything had been flipped on its head within a second, twisted beyond belief and leaving you spinning and achingly numb. Even the volume of Descartes which nestled against your stomach failed to bring you any sense of comfort or relief, instead it served as a cruel reminder of your once blooming feelings of love. 

The world around you seemed to fall away as you simply sat still, a silhouette frozen in time and haunted by the moans and grunts of pleasure you had bore witness to. You were vacant and empty, a shell of a person as you simply stared ahead at the horizon of trees which surrounded the palace.

There was no end to the hot salty tears which carved their way down your cheeks. An endless well of sorrow filled you as you not only mourned the loss of your newfound and early love, but also that of the hope you had held, for the people you had left behind in order to return to this place. A place where everyone had seemingly continued on as though nothing had happened, not a single tear wept or smudge of concern shown for you. 

You knew you were being brash with your brush, but in that moment powered by the resentment and hate which boiled your blood you couldn't help but recall the words Igor and Victor had spoken to you, of the accusations they had made against the palace which were unwittingly true. 

None of them cared for you, the Empress, Marial or Orlo. Not a single wink of sleep had been lost with your disappearance, nor an ounce of effort excluded in an attempt to bring you home. They had simply accepted the fact and moved on, even in knowing your warnings of Lady Adina’s ulterior plans and cruel nature. You were blinded by your feelings, too naive and young to see the truth and now you were suffering its consequences. 

Pressing your palms against your eyes you yelled loudly into the night, a gut wrenching sob tearing itself from your body as you fell down against the ground and curled yourself up into a fetal position. Tucking your head in against your knees, you cried and cried until you had no more tears, until your eyes were red and sore to the touch. 

Throughout your wailing and sorrow, time had seemed to pass in a blur. Since arriving the remnants of the sun had long since disappeared, with the sky becoming pitch black allowing even the faintest of stars to be visible. 

Devoid of energy and the light which usually flickered within you, you resigned yourself to a moment's rest curled against the cold rocky surface of the palace roof, disconnected from your body and floating in an odd head space of exhaustion and emotional turmoil.

Night had truly fallen before you decided you should try and get some rest, your soul and pride too badly bruised to search out Marial for help immediately. Especially as you reasoned that she was probably aware of Orlo’s courtship with Lady Adina, and most likely expecting you to return to her in tears after finding them together. The maid had been suspicious of your feelings for the Count for some time, her teasing especially relentless after discovering your clandestine meetings together.

Instead you had devised a new plan of action. 

Tonight you would sneak into the servants quarters and slip into a small unoccupied cot, preferable one that hadn't been abandoned due to the outbreak of smallpox that the palace was rumoured to have suffered. Then you would address your friends in the morning before leaving for the small cottage. Before you departed you would be sure to pocket a few treats for the journey and mementos to sell and support Igor, consequences be damned. 

From there you would start a new life far from the place which had broken you and then kicked you when you were down, far from the palace you had stupidly considered your home.

Bitterness coated your tongue as you nodded in confirmation of your plans, your emotions in turmoil as you acted on impulse. 

Reaching for the door handle to the roof you were about to pull the small wooden door ajar when Marial’s voice carried through the air, her tone sharp as she stated your name causing your head to whip across towards the source.

“Are you certain it was her?”

Catherine's response was just as clear as Marial’s, your eyes latching to a small domed glass skylight a few paces away. Turning, you crouched forwards as you shuffled across to the glass dome, your hands pressing against the brick wall beside it as you peered down into the room below. 

As you had suspected, the skylight was positioned above the large grand theatre that was found in the west wing of the palace. In light of Peters reign the large hall was rarely used, only housing the occasional playwright when they passed through St Petersberg and wished to win favor with the short tempered childish Emperor. The theatre had become the perfect getaway for any secret meetings, its large hall open and clear allowing you to spot any potential spys. 

The only problem that they had obviously overlooked was the elaborate stained glass skylight above, whose iron cast windows could be opened with a slight push to the lower part of the pane. Shuffling inwards, you leaned towards the open glass pane, your fingers pulling it further open so that you could peer down into the shadows below.

“I saw her with my own fucking eyes.” Marial declared as she marched to the front of the stage, her shadow flickering from the low light of the candle she carried. 

Catherine followed hot on her heels, a candle of her own clasped between her palms as she frowned deeply at her friend. 

“If it was her then why did she leave?”

“I don't know.” Marial sighed, her free hand pushing its way through her loose hair as she turned to lean against the stage. “But I do have my suspicions.” 

The tell tone note in her voice set your own suspicions alight, her eyes glistening knowingly as she peered at Catherine with a knowing glance. The Empress seemed to recognise the look and understand the silent message being conveyed, her features falling into a sad smile as she also turned to lean against the side of the stage.

“Oh.” Catherine noted in a deflated manner. Tilting her head, she tried in vain to lower her tone only for her words to echo throughout the lofty room. “Have you told Orlo?”

“Told me what?”

Leaning to the side, your knee pressed painfully down against the loose stone and gravel which lined the palace roof. Emerging from the shadows, Orlo made his way down through the rows of empty dusty chairs to stand before the Empress. 

The Count appeared to have changed since your time apart, his usual put together appearance slacking either from choice or from the time of night. Frowning you leaned back against your heels, your eyes closing as you tried in vain to push the images of himself and Adina fucking from your head. 

_Or… his personal activities._

Sighing, you pulled yourself back into position once more, your eyes continuing to pluck apart his appearance. 

The Bureaucrat in question appeared to have settled with a simple white shirt and trousers, the edges loose and partially untucked mirroring his hair which remained ruffled and a mess. Orlo looked just like the men you used to hate serving, expectant nobles with cocks bigger than their brains. It was a shock to see him so separated from his old put together appearance, devoid of his usually impeccable suit which always sat straight and spotless. Even his glasses appeared to be missing!

“Orlo!” Catherine exclaimed, her back straightening as she pushed away from the stage and took a hesitant step towards him. Orlo inclined his head in respect, his eyes still prying as he maintained an inquisitive glare towards Catherine.

Shifting away the future leader of Russia gestured towards one of the few entrances to the room, eager to move the conversation away from the topic they had been discussing prior. Of course you knew the discussion was about yourself, there was no other that Marial would be informing the Empress about. What really intrigued you, was the fact that they were seemingly keeping it a secret from Orlo- for now at least.

“Will Velementov be joining us?”

“I am here, Empress.”

A gasp tumbled from your lips causing you to fall away from the glass pane, your hands wrapped over your mouth as you tried to smother your breathing. Worry rushed through you for your discovery, your heart skipping a beat as silence fell over the small group below.

You worry was short lived however as Catherine’s voice reverberated off the walls of the theatre once more, her attention already shifting onto the matter at hand.

“Good.” Catherine declared, “Good. We have a serious matter to discuss.”

Pulling yourself to your feet you shuffled back across to your spot once more, your positioning less noticeable and more hidden as you peered through the glass pane beside the opening. Below you could see the full coup as it now stood, your surprise from earlier returning once more as your suspicions were confirmed.

Before your eyes a small formation of huddled silhouettes lingered in the centre of the theatre. Catherine stood tall and proud as she led the discussion, Marial by her side and Orlo to the other. It was the two personalities across from her, Velementov and a man you did not recognise that made your stomach flip with nervousness. You were torn between being happy for Catherine and annoyed that your position amongst them was so easily replaced, yet the support of the military in the form of Velementov was an achievement to be celebrated nonetheless.

“Serious?” Orlo questioned, his voice shaky as he ran his hand through his hair. Anger rushed throughout you as you peered down at his blurred silhouette below, the images of his naked figure pressing up against Lady Adina filling your mind and causing your mood to sour considerably. 

“Yes” Catherine reiterated, her hands clasped before her as she took a deep and calming breath.

Orlo appeared even more unsettled as he shuffled in his place, his eyes widening as he seemingly jumped to conclusions. “Has Peter-”

“No.” Catherine reassured, “No we are safe but… well i fear you won’t like the news I have to share much more than the latter.”

Orlo’s eyebrows furrowed as he ceased his incessant pacing, his hands crossing over his chest as he took an impatient step forwards. “What?”

“Y/N’s alive.” Marial interrupted, jumping in to announce the news before Catherine could speak. The Empress flinched as she turned to face Marial, her face stern as she wordlessly mouthed something across to her maid.

The rest of the group seemed perplexed, especially that of Velementov and the stranger which had taken up to lounging in a chair beside him. Orlo on the other hand had frozen entirely, his hands resting beside him loosely as he blinked rapidly. You were too far away to garner whether he was frozen in shock or disappointment, but the tremor in his voice as he spoke was enough to confirm to you that thoughts of your survival had not played much on his mind since your disappearance.

_Perhaps you were easily replaced, forgotten._

“She…” Orlo paused, his attention solely on Marial as he stepped forwards once more. “She’s _alive_?”

Marial nodded as she pushed away from her position against the stage, her hands resting on her hips as she eyed him closely. “She was here earlier today.” 

“She was?!” Orlo exclaimed again, his pitch increasing as he squeeked. Running a hand over his head the count whirled in his spot, once more adopting the impatient pacing he had been doing before. “W-Where is she? Is she still-”

“We were hoping you would tell us.” Catherine announced, her tone short and quipped as she seemingly sought to regain control of the conversation at hand.

Orlo paused, his body shifting to the side as he shook his head. “I-Im sorry but I don't follow.”

Marial rolled her eyes as she walked around Catherine and up to stand beside Orlo, her tone accusatory as she recounted your brief meeting earlier that evening. 

“I saw her in the corridors. Last thing she said to me was that she was off to find you.” 

The room fell into silence as Orlo took a step backwards, his shoulders falling as he sighed deeply. He seemed to be reliving his earlier activities as his hand fell to cover his mouth, a soft mumble filling the air as he closed his eyes and groaned in frustration as realisation dawned. 

“ _Oh_ …” Orlo mumbled, his face screwed up into disgust and anger. “ _Oh_ no.”

“Did you speak with her?” Catherine pried, seemingly unaware of the Count’s latest activities.

“No.” Orlo continued to groan, his eyes flying open as he turned on the spot and started to stamp his way over to a nearby catering trolley.

“ _No, no… no_!” The Count declared, his hands gripping the edges of the tray as he leaned forwards. From your small perch beside the window you could see the tenseness in his muscles, his arm shaking as his knuckles turned white from their grip against the tray.

Marial who had remained impassive throughout his reaction seemingly had the same moment of realisation, her mouth dropping wide as she spun on her own heel away from the Count. “Oh fuck.” 

“What?”Catherine questioned, her tone full of innocence as she glanced between the two of them. “What is it?”

Marial rounded on Orlo once more, her feet quick as she marched her way towards him. Gripping the count by the back of his shirt, she rounded him so that he could meet her gaze, a single finger prodding against his chest as her pitch rose considerably. “You were with her, weren’t you?”

Orlo looked away, the guilt splashed across his features for all to see.

Marial’s hand whipped outwards striking the man across his face. The blow was so hard that if he was wearing his glasses they would have fallen from his features and to the floor. Inside you revelled in the sound of her skin crackling against his own, at Marial becoming your own personal defender.

“Fucking hell Orlo.” Marial sighed, her own hand running through her hair as she turned back to face the Empress.

“Ha!” Velementov chimed in for the first time, his hand clasping Orlo on the shoulder as he seemingly congratulated him on a victory. “No longer a virgin then. Good man.”

Orlo shook his head as he remained distant, his gaze locked on a point far across the room and far away from the palace itself. His hair had slowly fallen away from his tied back style, the rogue flyaways nestling over his face from where he had been defiantly shaking his head in refusal and from the force of the strike itself.

“She must have seen…” Orlo trailed off, his bottom lip quivering as his eyes glimmered in the low light of the room. “I thought my door- the vase....”

“Caught in the act of fucking.” The stranger declared from his position scrawled across the chair. Catherine shuffled towards him silently, her hand whacking him across the top of the arm as she silenced him with a sharp stare.

“ _Fuck_.” Orlo groaned, his voice increasing as he turned back to the small catering table. With a heave the count toppled the small tray, a collection of cups, glasses and food falling to the polished wooden floor with an almighty crash. Kicking outwards, his foot knocked a bottle across the room and into the adjacent wall, the glass shattering on impact and spilling the alcohol inside. “FUCK!”

Seething, Orlo whirled back on the collective before him, all eyes trained on his form as he marched forwards and pointed directly towards Catherine and the stranger. “This is your fault. If you all hadn’t of made me- FUCK!”

“Who are we talking about?” Velementov questioned, completely unphased by the actions of the usually still Bureaucrat.

“One of my previous maids. She was part of this coup long before you both joined.”

“And she’s returned?”

“She went missing.” Marial added while warily watching Orlo as he deflated into one of the empty chairs. “Probably that _bitch_.” 

“Y/N went missing months ago. I believe it was the night of… of...” Catherine stammered, her voice failing as she seemed to struggle to recall the night of your disappearance. 

Your heart, which was already broken from the betrayal of your own love was suddenly stamped upon once more. How could they not remember the night you had disappeared? Had they not counted each long night since your disappearance like yourself? Had they really forgotten and moved on? 

You fell away from the window as you leaned back against the wall, your eyes watering as you turned your attention back to the stars above you. Tears slipped down your cheeks as your sense of home and longing wilted away, a dread settling in the pit of your stomach as you recalled the statements made by Victor and Igor. 

Had they been right all along? Were you really that worthless and expendable in the eyes of the people you cared about the most?

“You know I can’t quite remember. It was so long ago now and after a week with no word we assumed that… well, that-”

“That she was dead.” Marial supplied for Catherine, her words sharp against your skin.

“You know of her.” Orlo’s voice seemingly supplied, his tone soft and words light.

Velementov hummed thoughtfully, “Is she a threat?”

“What?” Orlo exclaimed.

Frowning you shifted back around to peer through the panel once more, your attention latching onto the group as you focused on what they were saying.

“Is she a threat?” Velementov questioned again, his hand settling on the small gun which rested against his hip.

Your mouth suddenly became dry as you interpreted the action, your mind working overtime as you watched the group exchange a series of glances. Had you really been gone for so long that they would judge your sense of character? 

“How can you say that!” Orlo rose to your defence, his hands clasping the arms of the chair as he catapulted himself forwards and back into the circle. Although it was not the person you wished to have supporting you and covering your back, you would take the vote of confidence nonetheless.

Turning towards Catherine, Orlo swung his arms wildly. “ _How can he say that_?”

Velementov shrugged, his hand falling away from the gun and instead slipping into the inside of his coat pocket. Pulling free a small container, the soldier unscrewed the lid and tipped the liquid back down his throat, his face wincing into one of discomfort before swallowing the alcohol in one and tucking it back into his coat pocket. 

“I am a soldier, and from what you’re telling me she’s come home from battle and been scorned.”

“He’s right!” The young stranger sang from beside Catherine, his feet swinging in the air as he pointed towards Orlo knowingly. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

“You feel as though she would compromise the coup?” Orlo repeated, his voice shaky as he pointed towards himself. “because she caught me…” 

Marial rolled her eyes as she slapped the man beside her on the back once more, Orlo’s body jolting as he flinched away instinctively.

“Oh _say it_ Orlo” Marial chided, “You aren’t a child!” 

Eager to prevent a second argument, Catherine stepped forwards into the centre of the circle, her dress flashing and shimmering in the flickering candle light as she raised her head and cleared her throat. “Velementov is right. Perhaps we should tread carefully, we don’t know her motives.”

Orlo’s frown deepened, “Are you mad!”

“I hate to say this but I agree with him.” Marial supplied as she stepped inline with the Count and separated herself from the rest of the group. “She would never turn against us.”

Catherine nodded in understanding slowly, her eyes falling to her hands as she seemingly picked away at her nails. With a heavy sigh she turned her back to Marial, gazing instead up at a large mural which was painted across the back wall of the Theatre.

“It has been months, we can not know where her loyalties lie.” Catherine declared, her tone one of finality. “Especially now that she has seen Orlo with Lady Adina, we can not compromise the coup.”

Turning back to face the small rag tag team before her, Catherine squared her shoulders and emanated the leadership of which she was still developing. “I have no doubt that she will return, if Marial is right then she may still be on the grounds. We will all need to keep an eye out for her.”

“And if we see her?” The stranger from the chair questioned, his body shifting as he pulled himself from the reclined position he had occupied.

“We kill her, I assume.” Velementov shrugged, his hand falling to his weapon once again.

“WHAT!” Orlo exclaimed, “NO!”

“No of course not.” Catherine supported, her arm reaching outwards as she batted the Generals arm away from the weapon which remained clipped at his hip. Turning to address Orlo and Marial, her eyes narrowed.

“We will need to speak with her though, so don’t let her out of your sight.”

Marial nodded while Orlo remained unsure, his weight shifting between his feet as he kept glancing across towards the door on the far side of the room. Sensing the lack of commitment, Catherine stepped forwards slowly, her hand resting on each of their shoulders as she squeezed them both reassuringly.

It was strange seeing the three of them together like this, a reminder of just how far the coup had developed from your first meeting between the four of you. But it also served as a cruel pointed reminder of just how easily they seemed to have moved past your disappearance, your name and presence crumbling away from their memories like the aged paint which covered the walls of the theatre.

“Orlo, Marial, if you do see her and she doesn’t come willingly then-” Catherine frowned as she seemingly hinted towards the latter suggestion. “A little force may be necessary. We can’t risk her wandering the halls not when-”

Hearing enough you stumbled away from the skylight, your hands brushing against your face as you wiped away the countless tears which had slipped down your cheeks. You hadn't realised just how heartbreaking it was to hear you friends giving up on you, turning on you just as quickly as they would an ally to Peter. 

Not only had you returned _‘home’_ to find your love a false pretence, but you had come back to the cesspit of nobles and idiots to find that your so called friends were just as dark and pathetic as the other ‘ _creatures’_ that roamed the halls.

A broken sob tore from your lips as you shuffled back to the small corner beside the only entrance to the roof, your back pressing against the wall as you shuffled back down it. Tucking your legs upwards, you pressed your face down into the space between. 

You would stay here curled up as tightly as you could for the evening before departing to head back to the small cottage in the woods, there you would accept Victor's promise of a new life and would leave for pastors new. It would be hard turning your back on everything you had once believed in, but when they had already turned their backs on you, you were sure that the pain would ease quickly.

For now though, you would allow yourself the tears which continued to slip from your eyes and stain your cheeks. 

You would allow yourself the heartache which pulsed through your chest and made your skin cold. 

For today was the day that your dreams and fantasies had died, today was the day that you had finally seen the truth. 

Reaching into the waistband of your trousers, you dislodged the copy of Descartes you had treasured, your hands running across the cover as a prominent quote floated to the front of your mind.

_‘The senses deceive from time to time, and it is prudent never to trust wholly those who have deceived us even once.’_

Gritting your teeth you tossed the book across and away from you, the pages splaying open and exposed to the elements. The letter which you had crafted for Orlo, with your soul poured into each and every word rustled against the ground as the light evening breeze caught its edges; the note gradually drifting away from you.

Huffing, you pulled the large men’s coat tighter around you as you sunk back down to the ground, your eyes closing lightly as you were lulled into another night of restless sleep.


	3. Part Three

Gasping you jolted awake to the sound of loud crashing and the grumbles of clueless men as they pushed against the door behind you. Dazed by your sudden awakening after a night of broken sleep, your hands pressed against the coarse stone surface of the roof as you uncurled yourself from your sleeping position. 

_“IT’S JAMMED!”_

The cold gravelly voice sent a chill through your bones, your tiredness fading away as adrenaline surged through your veins and realisation dawned upon you. Your theoretical hourglass had been drained of its sand, your time at the palace drawing to a close as you seemingly overstayed your welcome.

It wasn’t that you didn't want to leave the wretched walls which haunted your dreams. It wasn’t because you didn’t want to see every occupant that bustled about their daily lives below your feet have an unsatisfactory life. It was because of what the moment symbolised, the finality of the act that would permeate your own story for the rest of your life. 

This palace carried history and had been your home for so many years, it had been the place in which you had started to have an impact on the world, a place where you had fallen in love and a place where that very same heart was broken. 

No, you wanted to savour your final moments within these walls, wanted to look back at the towering fortress and smile in defiance at all the pain it wrought. You wanted the people to know you were better off from the nightmares inside, that you were growing and living a fulfilling life far away from the nobility that it housed. 

Most importantly you wanted to be remembered as the one that got away. 

Scrambling to your feet in an uncoordinated flurry, you tiredly brushed away at your face as you turned to look back at the entrance of the roof once more. As if on cue the door rattled against the makeshift restraint you had thrown together in your exhausted state that night, the small wooden baton creaked as the pressure began to weaken its structure. Panic surged through you, flooding your veins with adrenaline and giving you the kick start you required to chase the sleep away.

Gruff voices of the Emperor's guards slowly filtered through the door as they seemingly questioned the state of the entrance, a small debate forming as they considered kicking it down. From the soft murmurs you could distinguish there seemed to be a growing concern for the Emperors safety, a thought that was quickly being dismissed by the more senior officers as they considered the damage that barging the door down would cause. In a way you were thankful for Peter’s short temper, for the potential consequences of damaging the palace wouldn't stop a guard of any other household. 

Seizing your borrowed time with two hands, you spun on your heel and started to assess the situation at hand. The sun was only just beginning to rise on the horizon, its rays filtering through the trees of the thick forest which surrounded the palace and striking your face. Above you the sky was tinted a light shade of blue as sunshine chased the dark sky away. The air felt more alive than it had hours previously, voices and footsteps ringing around you as the grounds started to fill once more with servants and visiting nobles alike.

Being caught now was not an option, especially when you were unsure as to the guards presence on the roof of the palace in the first place. What would they think of you? They already hosted suspicions as to the Emperor's safety, a stranger on the roof of the palace scarcely dressed would only arouse suspicion. Suspicion which would end up with you knelt before the Emperor himself, at the mercy of his wicked mind. 

It was that or a foul option even worse than the one you had already considered. The men which the palace housed were known for their less than gentleman acts towards other women, especially those which were visibly lower classed than themselves. You would often hear the muffled cries of serfs as they were wrestled with by a drunken guard, your heart breaking at the hopelessness that would fill you. These men wouldn’t understand your journey, nor the heartbreak you had suffered at the hand of the man you had once trusted with your life. 

So here you were, standing in the middle of a conundrum drowning in an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. You couldn’t tell these men of the coup or of Adina and her schemes, and you most certainly wouldn’t hold up your hands as a serf who had abandoned their post. 

Chewing on your nail you turned away from the rising sunshine, your eyes glazed over as you stared at your final barrier of freedom; a small wooden door which rattled within its fixings. 

_No._ Handing yourself over to the fates that be would not be an option this time.

Escape was the only path open to you now. You needed a plan to somehow slip past the guards unnoticed and to trace your steps back the way you had come, winding through the corridors and melding into the shadows to escape back through the servants entrance. Only a clandestine departure would result in the ideal outcome you had dreamt up within your head, and even then you might still get the time you craved to stare back at the palace from the treeline, to silently mourn the past version of yourself that had suffered and died within its walls.

With a cleared mind you glanced around your surroundings desperately and to your dismay noted that barring the small wooden door before you, the rooftop was devoid of any form of alternative escape. Stumbling forwards you approached a nearby skylight, your hands pressed against the iron casing as you tried in vain to pry the small piece of glass open. As predicted, the windows were locked and bolted shut. Each and every one of them unusable barring the theatre dome across from you, but even then the fall from that height would surely kill or maim you. 

A sudden stroke of crazed inspiration rushed through you, an imaginary manifestation of the palace forming before your eyes. Features brightening, you recalled the small decorative ledge which lined the top floor windows of the palace and dropped down to the third floor balcony. 

Rushing across to the rear of the building, your hands clasped at the stony ledge as you peered down at the sharp drop below. As you had remembered the small ledge spanned the full width of the palace and was only a short drop from the surface of the rooftop. The only issue was that the ledge’s width itself was narrow, far too narrow for you to comfortably walk across its surface. To add to your dismay, parts of the old brick wall appeared to be crumbling or damaged, throwing into question the integrity of your potential support.

Fear flooded your veins as you pictured yourself tumbling from the ledge, your eyes moving away from your goal and to the ground which awaited you far below. Your stomach instantly flipped at the height, the small smudges of serfs bustling about their daily activities below sending your head spinning. 

Pushing away from the ledge you paced yourself a small and tight circle, your hand pressed to your lips as you gnawed away at the skin around your thumb. The near notion you were considering was crazy, a stupid act of impulsivity that would risk your life in the desperate attempt to save yourself from any form of confrontation. 

Shaking your head you approached the edge of the rooftop once more, focusing back onto the ledge which lingered just below you. All caution pushed to the side, the small stone lip did jut outwards just enough that you could easily stand upon it. In order to move your back would have to be pressed against the wall, shuffling would be your only form of motion as walking forwards like you would normally was off the table, especially seeing as one small slip up would lead to your demise. The journey to the small dip in the centre of the palace would be slow and agonising and highly likely to draw attention from the members of the palace below.

Frustratingly in your mind your plan seemed to seem more and more viable with every passing second, and undoubtedly cemented itself as the clear alternative to being caught by the guards and forced to answer questions as to your suspicious presence. But logic still niggled at the back of your head, you couldn't sustain traversing the full length of the ledge. 

As if to answer your questions a loud shrieking filled the air as you caught signs of motion in your peripheral vision. Twisting your head sharply, you watched as a pair of arms extended outwards, pushing open the two large windows which lined the palace walls. Their distance was only a few metres from your current positioning, and would be a far safer entrance point from the plan you had been originally harbouring. 

Perhaps if you could shimmy down the ledge quick enough, you could dart through the occupants rooms and escape the palace without anyone ever knowing of your presence. A silent ghost or shadow passing unnoticed through the hallways and disappearing into the early morning light.

The door behind you cracked as it began to buckle against the small beam blocking it, the soldiers seemingly making up their mind on their decision to break down the door. Deciding upon the plan of action, you took one last glance across the roof as though you were begging for a safer alternative to make itself known.

A second loud crack rang throughout the air as the door began to crumple, a rogue hand pushing past the splintered wood and fumbling desperately for the makeshift barricade you had constructed. Your eyes followed the trail of debris as you dared to reconsider your decision once more, your gaze befalling Descartes book you had once treasured sprawled open on the floor; the letter it housed resting patiently beside it.

Gritting your teeth you nodded in determination, your feet skipping forwards as you clambered for the book and letter you had discarded the night previously. Your hands pulling away the waistband of your trousers as you stuffed the volume against the skin of your abdomen and tucked it away beneath the shirt. It was strange how the pressure against your skin settled your raging nerves, the leather bound book providing you with the last surge of confidence you needed to take the leap of faith.

Deep down you knew It was irrational to go back for the last reminder of Orlo and the history you shared, but you reasoned the decision was a mindful one, knowing that your words would soon be found if left and your identity revealed. 

Yes. That was it. The risk of identification.

_“SOMEONE’S THERE!”_

Now was not the time for self pity.

Rushing back towards the edge of the palace you took a deep and calming breath. As carefully as you could considering the circumstances, you hooked your legs over the small wall, your blood rushing straight to your head as your world spun with a sickening lurch. Pushing forwards you sought to adjust your positioning, your body rolling over to the side as you grasped tightly at the wall and began to lower yourself down.

Your hands grasped desperately at the edge as your nails bit in against the exposed stone, your legs hanging limply as you tried to gauge the distance you would have to drop. Your heart pummelled against your chest as your muscles began to ache from exertion, the fear and anxiety causing your skin to become clammy and the world around you sway and distort. If you weren’t careful, you would pass out and likely fall to your death.

On the roof a loud cracking resounded as the final remnants of the wooden door started to shatter, your heart leaping as you acted on instinct and let go. The fall onto the ledge was short but seemed to stretch on for an eternity. For a moment you thought you had missed the small outcrop entirely, your heart flying to your throat as you choked on the air which rushed around you. 

But you hadn’t missed, and the harsh impact was a welcomed one. The sudden abrupt stop of your descent was hard on your knees, your joints locking up in fear and strain as you stumbled. Arms flailing wildly, you managed to regain your balance and save yourself from an unwanted reunion with the solid floor far below. 

Grasping at the shear wall you leaned forwards as far as you could, your cheek pressed up against the stone and eyes closed as you waited for the spinning to stop. Slowing your breathing, you focused instead on the wind which brushed against your face and through your hair, your thoughts wandering back to the small hill and the dummy you had been practicing with the day prior. You focused on the feelings the image pulled from within you, sorrow, warmth, beauty and peacefulness.

Calm and collected, you opened your eyes slowly and focused on the open windows ahead of you. They were nearly within arms reach already, you would only need to shuffle a couple metres before slipping inside. With calculated steps you shuffled forwards, your hands shaking with a slight tremor as you inched your way towards salvation.

The wall before you gave way to a slight indent for another window, your hands pressed against the glass instead as your anchor disappeared. Feigning confidence you shuffled forwards once more, your foot slipping on some moss and losing your footing. A sharp cry escaped you as you fell forwards, your hand hitting the glass before you with a loud clash. Thankfully your momentum allowed you to resteady yourself with a dramatic flourish, your leg pulled back in from the edge and to the side, your whole body flipping as you pressed your back up the closed window.

Breathing heavily you stared lifelessly out at the palace courtyard before you, your heart drumming so loudly in your veins that it thundered away in your ears. Everything you heard, saw, felt or tasted was suddenly more present, your sensitivity to the world around you increased. 

The cold bitter wind suddenly felt much stronger than it had earlier, its gusts taunting you and threatening to alter your balance. Your mouth was completely dry, as though you had been biting down on a cloth that had absorbed all the spittle which naturally rested against your tongue. Your skin felt frozen and sore at the same time, the exposure to the bitter night air having aggravated your joints and muscles. You could hear the voices louder than before, the subtle chatter of nobles, the bitchy remarks of the serfs and the ruffle of curtains as someone gasped audibly behind you.

_Wait…_

Before you could process what you had heard, the windows behind you jolted with movement as the bolt was drawn back and one of the panes thrown forwards. The right side was the first to be opened, your shoulder jolted to the side as you pushed your body weight back and into the opening. The left side quickly joined the first, the iron fixing hitting your feet and sending you flying. You were sure to have slipped down and over the edge if it wasn't for the tightness that formed around your neck as your blouse and coat were yanked backwards.

With a loud yelp you fell back and into the threshold of the palace, your eyes wide as you stared up at the sky and watched it disappear behind the painted ceilings. 

Falling to the floor you groaned loudly as your knees took the brunt of the impact, the cold tile sending a sharp pain through your joints as you slowly regained all of your strength. Your senses had seemingly shut off completely, the cold brisk wind which had numbed your skin still haunting you, the plummeting drop alive and fresh in your mind. 

Crumpled against the ground, you focused solely on your rapid breathing, your heart continuing to hammer wildly within your chest as the adrenalin you had thrived upon began to recede. You felt empty and drained, a mere leftover vessel of the soul which had once occupied it. Your spirit whisked away from the daunting danger you had experienced leaving behind only all of the pain and heartache.

“FUCK!” 

You froze, your limbs turning to stone as the tone of the strangers' voice filled the room around you. Your rescuer, or rather the idiot who had almost knocked you from the ledge had cursed loudly, the words ringing rampantly on the bell of familiarity in your mind. 

Shifting you rolled over and on to your side, your hand laying across your abdomen as you peered back to the silhouette which stood before you. The world seemed to move slowly as the figure reached forwards to grab the windows, their hair free and falling across their shoulders as they seemingly ranted into nothingness. Their clothes barely distinguishable against the bright sunshine which poured in through the window. 

All the moisture in your mouth seemed to drain away as your eyes widened in recognition, those same white stocking clad legs and small heeled mens shoes flashing before your memories. The familiarity which rushed through you suddenly turned to a cold sense of dread as your eyes drifted back up to the individual's face, your heart slowing as your breathing eventually started to even out. 

“ARE YOU INSANE! YOU COULD FALL!” Orlo exclaimed, his head dipping as he latched the windows closed. “WHAT ARE YOU-”

Turning on his spot, Orlo spun around to face the intruder he had pulled in from the ledge outside his window. His mouth falling open and words dying on his tongue as he froze in the spot and stared down upon you. It seemed in the rush of rescuing the fool who had danced with death, he hadn’t quite noted your appearance and identity. Instead the waves of recognition and realisation washed over him now, his whole body frozen still as though he was a statue frozen in time.

The silence seemed to linger uncomfortably in the air as you simply watched him traverse through varying stages of emotions, his face shifting into the promise of a smile before crumbling into a pouted frown of sorrow and guilt. His lips quivered as his mouth remained ajar, had you been outside you would have feared that the birds would have nested within his pearly white teeth, his demeanour and body so still it was unnerving.

“ _You_ …” Orlo finally stuttered, his eyes glimmering in the low light of the room as he took a cautious step forwards. Slowly his arm extended towards you, his palm uncurling into a silent offer of aid.

Ignoring the help, you scrambled to your own feet in a frantic way. Your limbs flailing and muscles complaining as you worked to quickly recreate the space which had separated you before. Arching forwards, your palms pressed against your knees before you righted yourself before him, your grip seeking out a nearby shelf as your head spun at the sudden change of scenery.

You were a mess, your clothing skewed and hair disrupted from its normal style, all side effects from your brash escape from the Emperor's guards and your jolting movements before Orlo now. It was apt however that your appearance mirrored the state of your own mind. You were frozen and freefalling at the same time, your mind a torrent of thoughts and feelings as your heart and head committed themselves to a war. God knows what Orlo saw as he stared at you from the limited space which separated you, perhaps he saw what you feared he would always see: a young deer frozen in the midst of being hunted, a prey fearing the predator before them.

Whatever he saw seemed to take the breath from his chest, his eyes shimmering as he shook his head in a state of disbelief. 

“ _You’re…_ ”

Orlo’s words died once more as he surged forwards suddenly, your body flinching as his hand latched onto your arm. Staring down at where your bodies met, Orlo seemed enamoured- almost fascinated with the sight before him. Swallowing away the lump in your throat, you elected for silence as the man seemed to consider his next words, his lip trembling and mouth falling open and closed in consideration.

Meeting your gaze you were surprised to see no shred of the usually nervous bureaucrat you had left behind that fateful night. Instead you saw a man who had changed and adapted, a man who had shed his skin and was grasping tightly to the promise of a new hope. Devoid of his glasses you found yourself lost in those warm chocolate eyes, his hand on your arm shifting to your cheek where his thumb traced the contour of your cheekbone.

“I…” Orlo began, his eyes shifting across your features before falling to your lips.

Before you could speak Orlo surged forwards, his free hand wrapping around your waist as he guided your lips to meet his own. His movements were sure and calculated, as though he had rehearsed your rejoicing countless times within his own mind. His lips were as you remembered, soft and coaxing as he pulled you into a deeper state of bliss. His tongue lingered with the sharp taste of vodka as he breathed you in, his fingers tightening on your waist as though you would disappear. He was intoxicating, the sharpness of vodka providing you with the only anchor you could cling to, without it you were sure you would have fallen into the abyss, living out the fantasies which had run rampant throughout your mind for all of these months.

In another world you would have fallen into his embrace, but this time you wouldn’t. You deserved more than this and better than him. Your mind snapped back into the harsh reality, your eyes widening as you stared at him before you. His eyes were closed and head tilted as to minimise the distance between you and to deepen the kiss you shared. The ghost of a smile tugged at the corner of his lips, his features softened and melted into a look of content and utter peacefulness.

But this wasn’t peacefulness, this wasn’t the man you had wanted to return to. This was a stranger, a man whose mouth was tainted with the telltale sharp notes of alcohol, a further indication to the change he had seemingly undergone. 

_‘Fuck’_

_‘Harder Orlo! Yes, YES!’_

The ghostly voices stung as they rang through your head, your eyes filling with tears as the hot flames of anger began to lick away at your heart. Frowning, you acted on your rising fury. Your lips freezing in place while the palm of your hand extended outwards and up, your nails digging into his cheek as you slapped him hard.

Gasping Orlo stumbled backwards and away from you, the heat from his body a noticeable loss as your heart clenched with an aching desire for what once was. Before you, Orlo cowered as he pressed his hand against the offending cheek, his eyes wide as he watched you carefully. 

As naturally as it had disappeared, his usual bumbling attitude returned.

“W-What-”

“Don’t _touch_ me.” You stated assertively, your eyes watering with a veil of tears of which you tried in vain to hide.

As though a candle had just been lit, Orlo’s eyes widened with a deepening realisation, his gaze flickering from the door to his private bedroom then to his bed. It was almost painful to watch as his features melted into one of dismay and confusion, a flash of what appeared to be disgust flickered across his eyes before they morphed into sympathy, guilt and pity.

“ _Oh_.” Orlo stated simply, his hands running through his hair which was free from its usual tie. It was an action he usually adopted in a stressful situation, his features screwed up tightly as though he could will the scenario away. “Oh! _Oh_ no, I wasn’t….” 

Orlo turned, his limbs flailing as he gestured around the room in a hurry, his words tripping over themselves as he rushed to generate an excuse. 

“You- I… I mean- with Adina I-”

“Don’t.” You uttered, your words soft and filled with defeat. 

Orlo froze in his spot, his features softening as he shook his head at your declaration, the denial was clear on his face as he stood vigilantly by and watched your walls crumble around you as dust. 

Bitterly you realised that It was almost as though he didn’t care for your dignity, his mind still too focused on his own reputation and standing amongst his peers. Even now in the ruins of your heart he wanted to twist the situation to his own gain, wanted to ease the strain your knowledge had on the relationship between you both. 

Little did he know that whatever was once there, blooming and alive with potential was gone; it’s sparks stamped out by the heel of his own shoes.

“Just don’t.”

“But you must under-”

“Orlo.” You cut across once more, your eyes meeting his own as the first tears began to fall past your defences. 

Your words were curt and sharp, cutting across his blubbering act as you asserted your position and took the lead of the awkward stand off you seemed to be experiencing. Luckily, Orlo’s natural personality wasn’t like that of the other men which roamed the halls, his body seizing in place as he actually listened to the subtle commanding shift in your voice.

Raising his hands in surrender, Orlo stepped away ever so slightly leaving the space open for you to voice your thoughts.

Taking a shaky breath you tried to reconsolidate your feelings, cementing yourself in your stance once more and batting away the enticing temptations which swirled around you. This confrontation was what you feared the most, the polite apologies and pity from someone of a higher class. But not just anyone, the person of whom you had fallen into the most, the one you had trusted and had bestowed your heart upon. It made you cringe and simultaneously boil with anger at the half assed pity and pleas he sent your way, his false sympathy and kindness making your skin crawl in disappointment.

Glancing around the room you felt your chest squeeze, the tightness restricting your airflow and causing your breathing to become shorter and shallower. This was all too much, you weren’t ready to confront anyone yet. You needed space to find yourself again, time to completely reassess your life. After all you had just had everything you had ever loved flipped, everything you had ever dreamed burned down to a pile of ashes and scattered in the wind. 

And quite honestly? It felt like part of you was missing.

“All this time, planning, thinking, daydreaming…” You tilted your head as you pulled your eyes away from his own, instead assessing your surroundings as you took in the walls filled to the brim with books. “I’m finally here, with you and…” 

The shuffling of feet filled the air as Orlo took a hesitant step forward, his figure gracing your periphery vision as he clutched to every word said.

“I don’t know what to say.” You declared with a sigh, your head falling as you turned your back on the man you used to love. Pressing your palms against the outline of the book which rested in the waistband of your trousers, you felt yourself break. 

“I don’t….”

“What happened?” Orlo enquired, his own voice quavering as he seemed to struggle to keep his composure.

Anger lashed against you as you turned back sharply, your breath faltering to find him standing so close. Stepping backwards, you gritted your teeth. 

“Do you really want to know?” 

Orlo's eyes widened as you sneered in disgust, your heart aching for the dreams you had since lost. 

“Or will it break your _darling_ Adina’s heart?”

“No…” Orlo shook his head, his hand splayed wide as though he was calming a wild animal. “ _No_ , No! She means nothing to-”

“How can you say that!?” You cried back, “How can you say that when I walked in on you balls deep in her!”

“I wasn’t-”

“You wasn’t?” You repeated accusingly, your head shaking as you stepped backwards once more. 

Shoulders slumped you sighed heavily, your mind resigned to the truth which you had so blatantly ignored for years. Orlo was just like all the other men which lined the halls, he was a liar, a compulsive selfish liar only seeking to further his own political gain.

The anger you had barely kept under control roared to life once more, your hands curling into fists by your side as you narrowed your glare on the small man which stood before you. 

“Ok, Orlo.” You stated sharply. “I see how you’re going to be.”

Orlo’s eyes widened drastically, his head shaking once more as he continued to vainly support the wall of denial and lies he had built.

“ _Fuck_!” Orlo hushed, his hand casting through his hair once more as he resigned himself to the truth. 

Shaking your head in disappointment, you gritted your teeth. Despite wanting nothing more than to avoid confrontation in the beginning, your anger and the remaining adrenaline which coursed through your veins left you yearning for it now. You wanted to stand and scream, shout, holler and swing at the man in front of you. Anything to try and inflict the same level of hurt and anguish which clenched at your heart just by looking at him. You wanted him to understand your ordeal these past weeks, wanted him to see you and walk in your shoes. No apology would ease the ache in your chest, but an understanding and acceptance of the truth would aid you in your rebirth. Anything but the cruel denial he tossed your way now.

But time wasn’t on your side, and knowing your luck the guards would have surely moved on from the rooftop of the palace and inside in order to raise the alert. Your dreams of escaping back to the small cottage in the woods was dissolving with every passing second. 

So despite the urge to stand and verbally spar with the quivering fool before you, your head won out against your heart. It was time to leave. 

“I did!” Orlo exclaimed as you started to make a move towards the door, his hand reaching outwards but failing to grasp at you. 

“I did.” He resigned again, his voice small and unthreatening. “We- we did but…. I didn’t- we- well… I- _fuck_.”

Tilting your head you paused in your retreat, a single eyebrow raised questioningly. Sighing Orlo’s eyes shimmered with emotion as his brows lifted and face pouted, a far throw from the usually stoic stare he adorned as he passed through the bustling corridors.

“You don’t understand.”

You scoffed at the defeated tone which he dared to use, your arms crossing over the front of your chest defensively. 

“I don’t see what I could be misunderstanding. Did you make love to her?”

“No!” 

“So you didn’t fuck her?”

“Yes!” Orlo corrected, his eyes screwed shut as he raised a hand to emphasise his point. “Yes but- I wasn’t with her, I…”

“So you didn’t stick your cock in her?”

Orlo flinched as he shuffled backwards, his already failing defences shattered as you sent wave after wave careening for his weaknesses. He was never any good with the crude talk of men, women and sex. Instead he tended to shy away from the discussions of intimacy, a blush adorning his cheeks as he skipped to the side and bolted from the room. 

You knew it was a low blow to use his awkwardness to your advantage, but in a deep set of frustration and resentment, all you could see was red.

“After everything I told you….” You whispered, your eyes filled with tears as they slipped down your cheeks freely. 

Orlo’s eyes met your own, his lip quivering as he hesitantly reached for you once more. Sneering you batted his hand away in disgust, your chest shuddering as your breathing became out of sync. 

“I warned you about her.” You stated again, your tone sharp and volume raised. You didn’t care who heard you anymore, didn’t care if the whole palace could hear and know what had occurred that night. In ways you hoped it would damage his reputation, hurt him through the inquisitiveness of the sharp tongued snakes which swirled around the winding corridors. 

“I warned you and what was it all for?” You jested again as you pried for an answer. “I was trying to protect _YOU_ , protect the _COUP_ and what did I get?”

Orlo’s eyes widened with panic as he pressed a single finger to his lips, desperately trying to silence you. The walls were thin in Peter’s court, and the moment a whisper of betrayal or mutiny is let loose, death is always quick to follow. 

Rolling your eyes at the reaction you gained, you spun on your heel with a flourish and marched towards the doors of his reception room; intent on escaping the living nightmare you now found yourself in. 

You had barely reached out for the handle when the tell-tale patter of Orlo’s feet surged up from behind you, his voice high pitched and desperate.

“WAIT! Please!”

Hesitating you froze in your action, your fingers brushing against the dark solid wood of his door absentmindedly. Dipping your head downwards, you stared at the tattered stained boots you wore, intent on avoiding Orlo’s deep dark eyes which elicited emotional turmoil inside of you with every flutter of his long lashes. 

The moment of respite also allowed you to calm your racing thoughts, a time to focus on your breathing and try to recover the little indifferent nature you still attempted to harbour. Unfortunately the act was like attempting to hold water within your palms, the cracks in your armour would take longer than a moment of silence to repair. 

Shaking your head you tighten your grip on the handle, a flashback of Orlo and Adina filling your mind as you went to pull the door wide. Unlike before however, your vision of the next room was quickly obscured as Orlo’s hand fell against the wooden pane, shutting it abruptly with a sharp click.

“Wait!”  
  
“WHAT!” You yelled, your frustration boiling over as he once again obstructed your escape. 

Orlo’s hand slipped down the smooth wooden surface as he looked away in surprise, his eyes shimmering with a veil of his own tears. Licking his lips, he hesitated before meeting your gaze once again. 

“What?” You whispered dejectedly once more, eager to break down the barricade which restricted your departure.

Clearing his throat, the Count brushed away at the loose hair which fell across his face. 

“Where-” Orlo cleared his throat, his eyes fluttering before his gaze steeled in determination. “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving.” You confirmed, a slight glee sparking inside of you at the look of despair which fluttered across the Count’s features.

“Don’t worry-” You reassured quickly, your chest heaving as you released another shuddered sigh. “-you and your precious coup will never see, nor hear from me again.”

Orlo’s mouth fell ajar, his head shaking slowly as he raised his hands carefully. You were about to bat them away when he suddenly noted his actions, his fingers curling around themselves as he fidgeted anxiously.

“You can’t…”

“I’m sorry?”

“You can’t go yet… especially not now!”

“I can Orlo.” You stated simply, your voice hoarse from the volume of which you spoke. “I can and I will. You know why? Because I belong to me and no-one else! For once in my life I'm going to do something for myself and right now that’s getting as far away from here as possible!”

Releasing your grip of the door you stepped towards him with confidence, the Count stumbling backwards as he narrowly missed a haphazardly piled selection of books which laid sprawled across his floor. 

You were fuelled by your rage now, your breathing unsettled, mind racing and mouth speaking on its own accord before you could process your actions. Reaching into the band of your trousers, you pulled free the very same book that he had given you on your final night at the palace. A book which had saved your life and broken your heart at the same time, a book which concealed a heartfelt letter of which the words you wished could be returned to yourself. 

“Oh!” You noted, your hands twisting the book around before thrusting it up and into the Count’s face so that he could see what it represented. You watched as Orlo’s eyes quickly digested the mottled cover of the book, his fingers untying themselves from each other as he reached towards it slowly.

Sneering you wretched the pages away and tossed them across the room, the book's spine crashing against a nearby shelf before tumbling to the floor in a mess of fluttering pages. Heaving you smirked triumphantly as it settled against the floor in a pitied state, charred edges and smears of your blood on full display for the count to see. 

Turning to Orlo, you were surprised to find his eyes still latched to the book, his lips trembling as he seemed to desperately search for the right words to say. Leaning forwards you encroached on his own personal space, your finger raised as you gestured across to the discarded literature. 

“There’s your _stupid_ book.”

Stepping backwards you reached out for the door once again as your world rocked nauseously, your head spinning and vision blurring momentarily before regaining its usual clarity. Frowning you looked away from the count for a moment, your fingers pinching the bridge of your nose as you regained your thoughts. 

“Is- Is that?” Orlo whispered, his eyes shifting from the book to yourself in awe. 

Straightening your posture, you rolled your shoulders and picked up on the offensive that you had temporarily discarded. 

“The very same. You’ll have trouble reading that one though what with the _hole_ and the _blood_ , but you know what?” 

Orlo’s eyes widened as he remained deadly still, his hands clasped in front of him as he did not dare to move a muscle. 

“It wasn’t any good in the first place!” You fired, your insults becoming desperate and petty as you simply sought to cause him harm. “But that’s to be expected seeing as you have _terrible taste_ in authors _JUST_ like you have a terrible taste in _women_!”

Orlo flinched as he looked away once again, the light from the room catching the side of his cheek and highlighting a single tear which had slipped down from the corner of his eye. The presence of the lone salty track hit you hard in the chest, your breathing constricting as the haze of anger retreated and left you standing amongst the wreckage. 

Guilt flooded your system as you turned to look at the book you had tossed to one side, your eyes dropping to your hands as you stared at them in consideration. 

It wasn’t that Orlo didn’t deserve to feel the impact his actions had caused, but the way in which you had delivered the retribution made the guilt in your system feel so much worse. This palace was a poison, a seeping darkness which slipped into every person's mind no matter how much light they carried. It changed people, it had changed the Empress, it had changed Orlo and now? Now it is changing you.

You were morphing before your eyes, shifting into a mirror image of the cruel women of the court. Moulding into a copy of the very woman you loathed and hated. This- this petty point scoring wasn’t _you_. You wanted to be remembered as the one that got away, not the one that went out kicking and screaming. You needed to be composed, indifferent and bright about everything. As Igor had told you before you left, you had to _kill them with kindness_.

Meeting Orlo’s gaze once more, you were surprised to find him studying your features closely. His teeth nibbling away at his bottom lip as he awaited the next lashing of words to spill from you. Sighing you brought your hands to your cheeks, wiping away the salty tears which littered your own features.

“Tell me one thing.” You whispered dejectedly, your words cutting across the suffocating silence of the room.

Orlo’s brows rose as he nodded immediately, “Anything…”

“Did you even look?”

The Count frowned as he tilted his head, confusion clear as he gestured for you to repeat the question. “W-What?”

“Did you even-” You paused, your voice threatening to break and crumble as you tried again. You knew that the answer to this question was the clarity and closure you needed, knew that it would be an answer that you would hate and regret. But Igor had a point, and ultimately it was the only way in which you could clear the fog of doubt which clouded your mind.

“Did you even look for me?” 

Orlo’s brows furrowed as he nodded without hesitation, his hands wringing together once again as he lowered his voice to meet the pitch of your own. “Yes. Of course we did.” 

Fighting the urge to rejoice at his words, you studied the man's face for a moment longer than usual, witnessing the tell-tale signs of a hidden truth; a truth of which you wanted to avoid. 

Shaking your head, your voice broke as you confirmed your suspicions. “You’re not telling me something.” 

Orlo shook his head defiantly before hesitating, his eyes flickering away as he sighed deeply. “I-” 

A choked sob slipped from your lips unintentionally, your balled fist pressed against your teeth as you tried to clutch at even a shred of your feigned stoic indifference.

Orlo’s features hardened with sincerity as he reached for your hand once more, your will to pull away crumbling entirely as he latched onto it tightly. Squeezing your fingers gently, he willed your eyes to meet his own as he inclined his head minutely.

“ _I_ looked for you.” Orlo declared, his own voice cracking as the redness around the edges of his eyes deepened. “I never stopped looking for you.”

A bittersweet smile filled your features you took in his own heartfelt gaze, your eyes slowly falling to conjoined hands. You had no doubt that your friends had likely searched for you in the first instance, that they had thundered up and down the narrow paths and roads which led to St Petersburg for clues. But with time their hope had obviously withered, whether it was across hours, days, weeks or months you could not know. But the fact remained that they had resigned to your disappearance in the end, accepting it quicker than you could have ever imagined. 

It wasn’t that you were angry they weren’t hurting for you, wasn’t that you wanted them to torture themselves with the thoughts of what could have been. It was the time it had taken for them to forget you that stung the most, how quickly they could all switch back to the matters at hand and- in Orlo’s case- bed the same wicked woman who had tried to cut your life short. 

Perhaps that made you naïve? Naïve and reluctant to change. A young soul who assumes that a friendship, love and connection would take longer to break than it would to form. 

Pulling your hand free of Orlo’s, you let it rest down by your side as you turned your gaze back to his own. Your chest tightened and heart squeezed as you nodded once, your mind finally accepting and coming to terms with the way things were now meant to be. 

“But you did.” 

“No I-” Orlo caught himself and his lie, his eyes falling as he breathed a heavy sigh. “Yes. I suppose we- we did.”

“I’ve been so stupid. I should have realised. I was so blinded by my feelings-”

“Your feelings?”

“-after all I’m just a lowborn.” You finished as you shrugged half heartedly. “And that makes me expendable.” 

“You’re more than that-”

“So you say.” You quipped back, “But still the only way I have ever been treated is that of a lesser being. I’m a tool in the eyes of men like you, useful for when you need it but the moment I’m broken or out of reach? I am easily replaced.”

Seemingly deflated and out of responses, Orlo took a step away, his shoulders slumped and head hanging low. With the doorway free, you pressed your hand against the handle once again, your teeth digging into your lip as you spared the man before you one final glance. 

He seemed to be in a state of turmoil, his hair unsettled and splayed across his shoulders and into his face, eyes red rimmed and glistening with fresh tears. You knew it was likely because of the retribution he would face from the coup from not having the time nor the abilities to restrain you, that and the fact that countless passerbys had likely heard your accusatory shouts and jaunting insults you sent his way. Orlo was defeated, his fixation solely on the gleam of his shoes as he twisted his heel to and throw. 

This was not how you had wanted to part ways with him, but it was the finale you received and it was the one you would accept. 

Moving for the door, you found yourself hesitating as the Count wiped away at his face, seemingly dispelling the tears which had fought their way free during your confrontation. Where the moment should have filled you with the swell of victory, you found it only acted to further frustrate you. It irked you as to how the sight of him in such a state still made you feel guilty, apologetic and sympathetic towards him. You especially hated the part of yourself that still wanted to surge forwards into his arms, to coax him towards the bed where he can release the barrage of emotions he had seemingly pent up in that large mind of his. 

Biting sharply into your lip, you pulled yourself from your reverie and turned away abruptly. With a sharp tug you yanked the large oak door free, your body slipping through without a second thought. 

That was until a hand clasped around your wrist once again.

“Please!” Orlo pleaded for a final time, “Please just stay and let us talk!”

“I’m done talking.” You issued, your hand wretched free as you passed through the threshold and into the reception room once again. A cold shiver slipped down your spine as you regarded the empty pedestal before you, devoid of the intricate vase you had knocked over only hours previously. 

Calming the crackling sparks of anger which erupted at the memories once again, you turned back to the doors, your eyes locked onto Count Orlo’s as he stood hesitantly between the threshold to his private room and you.

“I thought you were different from the other men who line these halls. But I was wrong, you’re just as self obsessed, thick skulled and deceptive as the others. All it took for you to show your true colours was the first sign of a woman who would drop her skirts and bend over for you.”

Your voice cracked as your hand swiped away at a lone tear which carved its way down your cheek, your eyes avoiding his own as you cradled your shattered sense of worth.

“You’ve had me for a fool.”

Turning you started towards the final doors in the corner of the room, your eyes latched to your final barricade to freedom. Every click of your boot on the ground made your heart swell, your chest constricting as the air seemingly became thinner by the second. Finally your body was adapting and resetting, the confrontation you had shared with Orlo proving to be more cathartic than you could have possibly imagined.

Pausing by the final set of doors, you turned back to look at Orlo slowly. The Count had failed to move any further from his spot in the doorway, his eyes fixated on your figure as he seemed resigned to watching you walk away and out of his life. Taking one last look around his quarters, you inhaled deeply and released a pent up frustrated sigh. 

“Goodbye Orlo.” You uttered, your tone twisting as you spat out the rest, “I hope you and Adina have a _pleasant_ life together.”

Orlo stepped forwards once, his hand extended towards you before you gave him a sharp and pointed look. Recognising your need for space he backed away into his position once more, his eyes never leaving your own as you turned away to the doors. Pressing your palm against the wooden surface, your fingers trailed down to the handle, gripping it tightly.

You were moments away from pulling them free when another wave of nausea passed over you, the sickening lurching sensation sending you stumbling to the side and into one of the nearby bookcases. 

“Y/N!”

Clutching to the shelves, you dipped your head to the ground and closed your eyes. Your stomach clenched and growled loudly, so loud that you would argue the whole palace could hear your desire for a full meal and a glass water. Wetting your lips you groaned lightly, with all of the commotion that morning you had forgotten of your need for a drink. Your mouth was dry and completely devoid of spittle, your lips cracking with every minute movement. 

In an instant Orlo’s silhouette was beside you, your eyes opening to find his white stocking clad legs and small heeled shoes next to your own. A hand came to rest between your shoulder blades tentatively as he started to manoeuvre you back into an upright position, the warmth of his skin radiating through your jacket and causing the hairs on your neck to rise.

“Stay away from me.” You barked as you swiped his aid away once more. Righting yourself, you ran your hands down across your body, amending your appearance and distracting your thoughts from the sickening lurches that washed over you.

“What’s wrong?” Orlo pried, his eyes focused as he ignored your flailing limbs and began to pat down your arms in search for any injury.

“I’m fine.”

“You are not fine.” Orlo cut across with a strength in his voice you had not heard before. Jumping you leaned back against the bookcase, edging to recreate some semblance of space between you. 

Of course the Count ignored it with a flick of his wrist, his hands swinging up and down as he gestured to yourself. “You look like a ghost, like you haven’t slept in- in days.”

Glancing across to the door beside you, you sighed.

“Have you eaten?” Orlo attempted again, “Water?”

“I don’t need your help, Orlo.” You reiterated once more, your body angling for the door. Spinning around you backed towards it slowly, your eyes locked onto Orlo’s as you inched your way to freedom despite the pounding in your head. “I’m fine-”

“Orlo?”

You froze as the doors behind you clicked softly, a blast of cool air passing over your shoulder from behind. A cold sense of dread took grip in your stomach, the air freezing in your lungs as your neck began to squeeze as it was constricted by an invisible force. You were cold, freezing as the chill swept across your skin and froze your thoughts in place. In another world far away from the palace, a lone reaper was pausing to stare down at your grave. 

Staring ahead, you watched as Orlo’s eyes widened and his mouth fell ajar, seemingly reacting to the same sudden entrance as yourself. 

Turning slowly, you felt your own mouth fall ajar at the confirmation of your thoughts. You would recognise that voice in a heartbeat, could pick it out from a crowded room filled with chattering nobles. It was an unforgettable pitch, owned by the cruellest and most vicious woman you had come to serve.

Before you stood Lady Adina, her own brows raised as her eyes casted up and down your figure. The surprise her features held were quick to dissolve as the darkness you had always seen glinted in her eyes, a small smirk tugging at the corner of her lip as she rang her tongue across the front of her teeth.

“Oh.” Adina stated mockingly, “What a pleasant surprise.”

_“Everyone always believes that pleading will change my mind, like I have not already made up my mind by aiming a gun at your face!”_

_“Please don’t do this, just let me leave I won’t-”_

_“Load her in the carriage, keep riding until sunrise and dump her body where no-one will find it.”_

You flinched as the gunshots rang through your head, your chest constricting as you failed to catch your breath. Your heart hammered away in your chest as though it was a spooked horse out of control, the beats thundering loudly in your ears as Adina stepped closer once more. 

You were rooted, trapped and alone. Stranded in a room and at her complete and utter mercy once again, it was almost as though all your nightmares had come true, a cruel punishment put upon you by the gods themselves.

“Y/N?” 

Your name echoed around the room as it started to spin, your breaths loud and wheezing as you took a stumbled step away from Adina and into the solid warmth of another behind you. Numbly you noted that the person was likely Orlo, his arms wrapping around your shoulders as the feeling in your legs started to slip away, a spotted darkness blossoming around the edges of your vision and pulling you into the unknown.

“Careful!” 

The world rocked and faded to darkness, quickly returning as you caught the silhouette of Adina pass back through the doors once again in a hurried jog. Tilting your head you became a silent observer, watching as Orlo’s eyes followed Adina’s retreating form from the room. 

Alone, he finally turned his attention back to yourself, his features pulled into a look of worry and concern as his fingers trailed your cheekbone, pushing away the rogue strands of hair which rested across your face. 

Orlo’s mouth moved slowly, his words slurred as time started to slow drastically, the darkness closing in once more.

“I’ve got you.” 

Your return to consciousness was a gradual affair, your heart slow in your chest as the world around you echoed eerily. Your eyes felt heavy and bones riddled with exhaustion as you tried in vain to will them open, you were warm and tucked up tightly amongst the softest silks you had ever felt. It was like you were floating in a warm bath, blissfully unaware of the dangers that lurked amongst the submerged darkness and high on the comfort you had sought for months.

_“Is she alright?”_

Orlo’s words settled like a lead weight in the pit of your stomach, pulling you down and away from the heights you had been exploring, tethering you to the palace and the evil which it harboured. With a heavy sigh you felt your eyes flutter to your command, the sunlight which crept through the open curtains assaulting your head with a tightening ache.

Before you stood two blurry silhouettes, their stature defining their presence as opposed to their characteristics. At the foot of the bed lingered Orlo, his hand pressed to his lips as he seemed to observe the man beside you closely, his hair was tied back away from his features and clothing straightened in to the perfect image of composure; a stark contrast to the barely dressed state he had been in before.

“Yes.” The shadow beside you answered, his tone heavy with the weight of knowledge. You recognize the pompous tone as that of one of the court's limited doctors, a Chekov by dynasty name. 

“Physically her body is exhausted. She shows signs of dehydration and sleep deprivation. She also has some scars, the healing around the skin seems to be recent.”

Turning back to you, the physician seemed to continue his assessment with little care to the fact that you were rousing. With a sharp tug he lifted the side of your blouse free, his calloused fingers dragging across the exposed skin of your shoulder, circling the small scar that adorned it.

“No signs of infection.” He reported slowly, “This scarring… It really is beautiful. The marksmanship of the sutures must have been- ”

“Is that why she collapsed?”

Your eyes whipped across to Orlo briefly, before closing in disdain at the wave of nausea which washed over you.

“The dehydration and exhaustion are certainly factors. The moment you described just before the collapse though… tell me, what was she doing before she started to breathe quick and shallow breaths?”

“She was leaving.”

“Did she see anyone? Do anything? Say anything?”

You flinched as you swallowed away the spittle which rested against your tongue, your eyes fluttering open once more as you watched the scene before you. Orlo seemed lost in his own mind as he stared lifelessly ahead, his eyes shifting as though he was analysing a picture which was invisible to all but himself. 

“No it was just me and…” Orlo hesitated, his eyes widening as he dropped his hand from his face and turned to face the physician fully. “Lady Adina…”

You couldn't hold back the sharp inhale which her name drew from your lips, her cold eyes haunting your mind as you shifted against the covers you found yourself swamped in. In an instant all eyes were on you, Orlo’s body jolting in a flurry of movement as he made his way from the foot of the bed to your side. 

“Y/N?”

Frowning you dragged your hand up from the depths of the warm bed, shifting back countless layers of silks and rich cottons to your waist. Pressing your fingers to your forehead, you massaged away at the ache which pulsed through your temple, your attention drawing inwards as you tried to recall the moments leading to the scenario you found yourself in now.

“What-” You croaked, your eyes dragging across the bed and around the room slowly. “What happened?”

“You fainted.” The physician supplied helpfully, his hands clasped across his front as he averted his eyes.

Frowning you turned to Orlo to find him doing the same, his lip quivering as he gestured towards your chest. Confused you followed their line of sight, a hot flush filling your cheeks as you noted the state of your undress. Your fine coat of which you had worn for days had been removed and discarded to the side, the ruffled blouse you wore untucked and undone at the front leaving it loose against your skin. In shifting upwards you had unwittingly exposed more skin than you had intended, your hands quickly shifting to right your appearance and conceal your modesty. 

“Oh, well..” You uttered quietly, eager to skip past the formalities and your embarrassment. “I’m _fine_ thank you-”

Readjusting his positioning, the physician turned back to you with a tight smile. “You need to rest, my lady.”

“ _Lady_?”

“Yes!” Orlo exclaimed quickly, his eyes flickering between the physician and yourself. “Lady Y/L/N, I- I _uh_ \- Is memory loss a common occurrence?”

“ _Sometimes_ …” The Physician noted with an inquisitive glare. “It is not unheard of. They will return with time.”

Rolling your eyes at the obvious fib Orlo had spun to attain you medical assistance, you shifted your elbows beneath yourself in order to shift further up the bed. The action however proved harder and more exhausting than you could ever imagine, your vision faltering as the room rocked with a nauseous spin. Falling back against the soft pillows, you cringed as your stomach twisted and chest tightened.

“ _Ugh_ ” You groaned, your eyes watering as you stared up at the ceiling, “I feel…” 

Orlo’s hand latched onto your shoulder tightly, his fingers brushing against your skin and sending a chill down your spine. His touch was warm and enticing, the contact throwing you back to the moment that had started your journey, squirrelled away in Lady Adina’s chamber with your back exposed and his breath hot and heavy against your neck. The flashback was enough to have you rooted in your place, the air in your lungs freezing as you remained locked in a state of silence.

“Doctor?” Orlo’s voice wavered, his head snapping across to the physician expectantly.

“She’s fine.” The dark robed man answered, his hand waving off the concern as he turned to leave. “I administered a concoction of herbs to help her sleep, she’ll likely feel drowsy and nauseous for some time.” 

Frowning at his words you shifted further up the bed once again, your shoulder dropping to the side as you pulled free of Orlo’s grip. The Count’s gaze snapped back to your own, your eyes quickly averting as his stare burned into your skin. With a heavy sigh, he reluctantly stepped away from the side of the bed, his hand retracting and giving you the space you seemed to crave.

“ _You_ …” You stuttered as you worked through the implications Chekov’s statement brought. Tilting your head to the side, your eyes slowly trailed back to watch Orlo suspiciously. “You drugged me?”

“ _Oh_.” Orlo uttered, his eyes widening as he shook his head. “Oh no...” 

Rounding on the physician beside him, Orlo took a step towards the man, his head bowed and hands clasped across his front as he lowered his voice. 

“You administered the medicine already?” 

Chekov glanced back over Orlo’s shoulder towards your suspicious glare, his brow furrowed in consideration before turning back to the nervous Count before him. 

With a shrug, the physician placed a single hand on Orlo’s shoulder. “She needs to rest. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

A sudden wave of lethargy washed over you once more, your eyes watering as they grew heavier by the second. Distracted from the conversation occurring beside you as Orlo guided Chekov towards the doors, you took stock of your surroundings and situation. 

Whatever was flooding your veins was fast acting, quicker than any sleeping aid you had been given from the head of serving downstairs. You had always known class and wealth to open more doors, but when it came to medicine you had been foolish enough to believe you all received the same level of treatment for the rubles you paid. 

Like a moth distracted by the flickering light of a candle, your attention shifted to the soft warmth that encapsulated you. The large bed filled with rich silks and cottons appeared to be that of Orlo’s, a notion you had considered the moment you roused due to the heavy scent that was so unmistakably his. You had never touched anything so soft and expensive before in your life, and you doubted you would ever sleep the same again when you were forced to return to the rickety old bed and single sheet canvas you had occupied for years.

Ahead of you Orlo and the Physician lingered by the doors, their voices low as they seemingly conspired among themselves. Leaning to the side in an odd daze, you peered through to the adjacent room. The space seemed to be bright and filled with sunshine, the wide beams of light flooding through and splashing across the book lined walls. It was bright and filled with colour during the day, the emerald green sheets Orlo had beside across the windows shining a vibrance that could easily be overlooked in the low evening light. The air was crisp and clean to breathe, devoid of the stench of a fire burning or heavy musk that seemed to line the halls. And most importantly, the room adjacent appeared to be devoid of any other soul, the fact bringing you a sense of relief as you failed to spot the taunting figure of Lady Adina. 

_Lady Adina…. The coup…. Orlo..._

Suddenly your skin began to crawl at the thought of being tucked up in Orlo’s bed, the soft silks which had been comfortable before now brash and scratching at your skin. Your eyes became drawn into the spot at the end of the bed as the lewd sounds of Adina and Orlo’s skin slapping together began to fill your mind, the quiet voices of Catherine, Marial and Velementov quick to follow as they questioned your loyalty. 

The fog which had clouded your mind lessened as a daunting sense of dread filled you. Orlo _must have_ requested the medicine to knock you out so that he could scheme with the coup on what to do with you, your presence more of a risk to him than he would ever let on. That or perhaps he had sided with Adina, her cruel tongue and wicked ways winning him over despite your warnings. Feeling your breathing start to pick up, you ran a hand over your face as you tried to quell the racing thoughts inside your head.

A soft click captured your attention as Orlo closed the doors behind the fleeing physician, his head dropping to admire the flooring as he heaved a heavy sigh. In an instance his body became rigid and tightly strung, his hands barely concealing a slight tremor as he turned on his heel with an anxious peer. Whatever he expected to see was not there, as in an instance his demeanor shifted again into the familiar damage mitigation bureaucrat you had come to know.

“I’m sorry.” Orlo uttered as he paced forwards to the end of the bed, his hands moving in a quick succession of waves, emphasising his point. “I did not know what he was doing, I gave you space while he-”

“Are you sure?” You interjected, the spite in your tone clear and loud for all to hear. “Are you sure you are not just keeping me here to interrogate me with the coup?”

“ _What!_ ” Orlo exclaimed loudly, his own volume surprising himself with a small jolt. “N-No-”

Scoffing you rolled your eyes at his incredulous response, his actions only serving to fuel the simmering anger that had consumed you before. 

“It’s a low blow Orlo, even for yourself.”

“I- I wasn’t aware.” Orlo reiterated once again, his feet shuffling against the wooden floorboards as he rounded the poster frame bed to your side. 

“I would _never_ do that to you.” 

Shaking your head you latched gazes with the man before you, your eyes darkening as you heaved yourself upright as to assert your own waning strength. 

“But you would bed the woman of which I warned you about.”

“Stop it!” Orlo snapped, his mournful air receding to reveal the foundations of his new attitude. “ _Stop this_.”

“Stop it?” You echoed, “Do you even begin to understand how I’m feeling right now? How much hurt you and this _fucking_ place have caused me?”

“ _No..._ but it is no excuse for you to-”

“HA!” You forced out a little loudly, your eyes fluttering away from his own and taking up the sheets which remained tightly wrapped around your legs. Gripping the edge of the covers, you began unravelling yourself from the fine silks which tethered you down, your limbs aching and complaining with every minuscule movement. “I need to leave.”

Hauling yourself to the side, you made to stand only to have your legs instantaneously give way. If it was not for Orlo, you were sure to have met with the wooden floor with a stiff embrace once again. As if he had not blinked, the Count’s arms wrapped around your waist in an instance, hauling you up and pulling you against his chest. 

“ _Careful_!” Orlo hushed, his eyes wide and cheeks flushed by your proximity. “You are in _no_ state to walk.”

Frowning your hands latched onto the fine waistcoat he wore, fingers curling around the fine threads before pushing him back. Releasing his hold on you, Orlo gasped at your actions, his eyebrows furrowed as he watched you slump back down onto the side of the bed. You could feel his disapproval from a mile off, and in another life you knew you would have been embarrassed by your attitude and lack of gratitude. But nothing could stop the echoes of Adina’s words and Orlos groans of pleasure from filling your head, their presence fuelling the inferno which threatened to spill out of control once more.

“I can’t stay here.” You declared with finality, your head twisting away and towards the doors which separated you from freedom. “ _Please_ just let me go-”

“Once you have recovered. You can stay here, you’ll be safe. _I promise_.”

Sneering you whipped your head back around to meet his gaze, your eyes watering with a veil of tears as you shook your head in disagreement. It was a wonder how you used to fall for that solemn tone and wide eyes before, what a hidden miracle his betrayal was in opening up your heart to realise what kind of man he was all along. A liar, and a bad one at it.

“You can’t promise that.”

Orlo’s eyes dropped once again, seemingly caught in his false act of reassurance. Perhaps in his heart he had meant the words, but it was a promise he should never have proposed in the first place, not when it was one he could never keep.

“No…” Orlo acknowledged in defeat, “No I suppose I can’t.”

The silence which washed over the room was a deafening one which lasted only seconds. But to all that were there to hear it, the seconds felt as though they stretched on for an eternity. 

Your heart that had settled in your chest had begun to stir once more, the thundering beats familiar to that of a charging horse as it riled up your senses and temper. If it had not been for the concoction of medicine coursing through your veins, you were sure to have stormed out from the room yourself by now, your debilitating condition a further wall to your escape.

“ _But_ …” Orlo interrupted the silence cautiously, his shoulder slumped forwards as he approached you slowly once again. “That doesn’t change the fact that you need rest.” 

“You don’t know what I _do_ or _do not_ need Orlo.” You replied with a sharpness so unlike your usual tone. “I know my body better than anyone right now and what it needs is to leave this place.”

“No!” Orlo exclaimed again, his hands flaring wide as his frustration appeared to get the better of him. “You are not leaving until you have rested.”

If you had reunited under better circumstances you would have been sure to comment on Orlo’s newly founded spine- or rather- confidence. You had always known the man to have a sense of right and wrong, a temper of his own which was constantly being fanned down as to avoid an outburst. At times his words would still slip from his lips without his intention, revealing the simmering heat that hid away behind his warm brown eyes. But this- this authority of which he carried was a new trait he had developed, a trait he seemed to be wearing proudly like a soldier's badge on his chest.

Frustrated yourself, you couldn't catch the words that slipped from your tongue quick enough. Your composed martyr-like attitude dissolving away into that of a spoilt, selfish mistress. 

“You _can’t_ tell _me_ what to do! What because you’re of _higher standing_ you think you have some _control_ over me? I thought you were different-”

“It seems we were _both_ wrong.”

Orlo’s eyes widened as soon as the words had slipped from his mind, your own jaw falling agape as you furrowed your brows at the notion. He had stoked the fire that rumbled in the pit of your stomach now, the flames licking at your heart and spurring you onwards to wrought more damage than what had already been caused.

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“ _Oh_..” Orlo sighed, his features crumpling into one of regret as his eyes skirted around the room in a desperate attempt to avoid your own. “Sorry I should not have-”

“No.” You pressed once more, your hands pressing against the sheets as you shuffled in your spot slightly. Straightening your back you raised your chin upwards in a challenging posture, “You have something to say- _say it_.”

“No I-”

“Say it, Orlo.”

“I thought you were more _sensible_ than the other women of the court!” Orlo exploded suddenly, his hands clenched into fists as he stood his ground and held your challenging stare. “Obviously I was wrong.” 

“ _Scaling the side of the palace_?” He continued, “You could have fallen! Died! Or worse! What were you _thinking_?”

Orlo bit down on his lip, his eyes rolling in a comic fashion as he waved his hands through the air. Snapping his fingers, his eyes widened as he pointed towards you, enrapturing your attention completely.

“Or were you not?”

Gritting your teeth you ignored the sharp stab of embarrassment in your gut.

“I was _fine_.”

“You were _not_.” Orlo corrected before you could continue, his tone disapproving as though he was lecturing a small child. “You were _seconds_ away from falling had I not saved you.”

A heavy sigh spilled from his lips as he anchored his hands either side of his hips.

“You’re reckless and suddenly frustratingly narrow minded.”

“That’s _rich_ -”

“And you seem to have taken on this new persona!” Orlo commented quickly as he continued to release the pent up frustration he seemed to have been harbouring. Turning on his heel, the count began to pace a short line back and forth, his head shaking as the words spilled from his lips.

“I understand that you are angry with me, honestly I do, I’m angry at myself. But this _lack of reasoning_ and _stubborn attitude_ is just-” Orlo ceased in his pacing, his right hand raising into the air as he ran it through his hair before flapping it off to the side. 

“It’s childlike!”

“ _Childlike_?” You echoed incredulously.

“Yes!” Orlo rebutted, “You do not give me a chance to speak my own side and shut down as soon as the words I say do not fit your narrative.”

Scoffing you gestured to his positioning and torrent of words.

“Well you have spoken now!”

“Yes.” Orlo agreed proudly, however as soon as he had said it his features crumpled, the confident energy he had been embodying melting from his posture and pooling on the floor around him. 

Within a second he was back to his usual self, his head dipped down low and eyes fixated to the floor as he muttered beneath his breath. 

“But they are not the words I wish to speak.” 

Rolling his shoulders, Orlo’s eyes traced your figure slowly before locking with your own gaze. “It’s like you’ve changed-”

“I’VE CHANGED!?” The words erupted from your throat without warning, your hands clenched by your sides as you propelled yourself upright to stand before him. Steading your quivering knees, you heaved as you eyed the fool before you now, eyes narrowed and lips drawn into a tight line.

Words, feelings and echoes of memories filled your head, the low lustry tones of Adina and Orlo combined with the sharp stabbing sensation to your heart. Embarrassment reigned in next, your heart crumbling at the memory of your shared kiss and the reasoning words of Igor. However much you wanted to point the finger and blame the man before you, you couldn't help but realise that in this situation you truly were the fool to blame. You had dove into the waters of passion and lust long before you had known his true intentions, your nights squirrelled away into the back of the library meaningless, your seemingly deep and meaningful conversations scrubbed away as he revealed his true face behind his mask. 

A single tear slipped from your eyes as it signalled the beginning of a torrent, your hands shaking with anger as you acted on instinct.

“What dictates change more than a man who has forgone his virginity!” You questioned harshly, intent on the dagger in your words to dig in deep. “Who has abandoned the wellbeing of his friend for the warmth of a body in his bed!”

Orlo’s eyes fluttered as he shook his head, the defiance he had shown before washing away into a submitted echo of himself. 

“I did not know that you were alive.”

“Because nobody cared to think otherwise!” 

Orlo’s head tilted as his brow became furrowed, meeting your gaze the count took a brave step towards you, the space between you limited as his hands fiddled between themselves. You remained silent as you watched him, your heart racing within your chest as you waited patiently for his response. You knew the words you would hear would be far from the answer you wanted to hear, but it would once more act as the seal you needed to lock away your old feelings and to turn the page in your heavy book of heartache.

“To the contrary…” Orlo trailed off, his hand reaching outwards before hesitating. With a heavy sigh, the count turned away from you, his head downturned in defeat. “I did.”

The honesty in his tone caused you to flinch, your heart skipping a beat as you dared to second guess the narrative you had intricately written inside of your head. Huffing Orlo spun on his heel once more, his face casted in the golden sunlight that pooled in through the window. The light carried a warm glow that splashed across his features and highlighted the glistening tears that had slipped from his eyes, his skin radiating as his features pushed and pulled into a look of despair and longing.

A lump instantly formed in your throat at the sight of him in such a pitying state, his face crumpled into the definition of loss, longing and defeat, his hands locked to his side as he slowly met your gaze once more. Guilt crashed over you in a wave, dulling the fiery inferno that ripped through your heart and drenching your rising anger with a sense of humility.

“But even then I figured that you would never return.” Orlo continued, unaware that his words were piercing the armour above your heart. “Not when there was nothing for you to come back for.”

Your mouth fell open in response, the words you had wanted to spill that were designed to hurt him further evaporating. Instead you merely croaked like a frog, your eyes shifting away from his own as the weight of his gaze burned through your freshly built walls.

“I-” You paused, your heart shattering once again as you closed your eyes and took a calming breath.

_I thought I did have something to come back for._

“If I could turn back the hands of time I would.” Orlo pushed on, oblivious to the words you had wanted to say. “ _Believe me_ , there is so much that I would change, so much that I would say... I-” 

Shaking his head the Count refocused on his task, his shoulders squaring off as he raised his chin substantially. With a flick of his wrist, the tears that had slowly trailed down his cheeks were gone, the redness that tainted the whites of his eyes the only sign of his previous moment of weakness. With steady fingers, Orlo’s hand pressed into your shoulder as he slowly eased you back down into the bed.

If you hadn’t been so distracted by the power of his words and presence, you would have fought back against the guided hold he had on you. But instead you remained silent, your hands gripping the edge of the sheets as your knees ceased their shaking from supporting your already fatigued body. 

Releasing his hold, you looked up towards the Count expectantly, waiting for the end of his sentence that he seemed to be withholding. Chocolate eyes met your own as you both stared at each other in silence, the space between you sparking with the old energy you had once shared, its tendrils muted and representing a new stage of your relationship. But it was still as addictive as it had been before, still roping you in and pulling you towards each other like two cosmic entities that required the other to survive, a balance in nature.

“Focusing on the past isn’t going to change the fact that you are in no state to travel.” Orlo declared suddenly, breaking away from his previous train of thought and stepping backwards to recreate the distance between you. “I didn’t know the doctor would drug you but I can’t say I disagree with him, you need rest.”

Looking down to the floor you bit down on the inside of your lip, your mind reflected inwards as you deliberately tried to ignore the cold sweeping feeling that filled you at the distance the Count had created. Fingers tracing the stitching of your blouse, you mentally tried to stoke the raging fires that had been burning within you, your stomach twisting in disappointment as the embers that had once nestled against your heart remained burnt out. 

A wave of nausea washed over you once more, your hand whipping outwards to clutch at the bed as your vision faltered. The medicine the doctor had given you was already starting to take its hold, your time wearing thin before you would eventually succumb to the enticing warmth and lethargy that nudged the far corner of your mind. 

Turning back to Orlo you took in his appearance, his eyes wide and filled with a pleading sense of hope. His hands were folded in on each other as he stood patiently by your side, the space you had requested upon your meeting upheld as he kept his fidgeting to a minimum. His own worry and sense of concern was inscribed across his features for all to see, it was one of the many reasons you found his company to be so comforting, for you could always read him like a book.

“I believe you.” You declared softly, your eyes shifting to meet his own.

“I don-” Orlo began, ready to dismiss your argument. However upon hearing your agreement his eyes widened, his mouth falling ajar before a small smile of success tugged at the corner of his lips.

Clearing his throat, Orlo asked for clarification. “ _You-_ You do?”

“Yes.” You nodded, your spare hand brushing across your cheeks as you pulled the stray hairs away from your features. 

“You may be an _asshole_ but Chekov is always quick to prescribe some concoction of his own.” 

Orlo’s smile grew further, his white pearly teeth flashing as he nodded in agreement despite the cruel insult you had folded into your response. A bubbling energy seemed to radiate from his posture as he bobbed on his feet, his hands wrapping around themselves as he seemingly began to consider the next course of action.

“And….” You started, your words slurring as the nausea washed through you once more. A large yawn ripped its way past your lips, your hand covering your mouth as your eyes fluttered in response. “I think you’re right…”

If Orlo hadn’t been pleased before, he certainly was now. Mouth agape at your agreement, the Count seemed pleased that you had finally come to your senses and made the right decision. Ignoring his vibrating silhouette, you pushed yourself into an upright position once more, your muscles aching as you stretched in a vain attempt to chase the tiredness away.

“I haven’t had much sleep these past weeks.” You admitted softly, “It would be good to get some rest for once.”

“Good!” Orlo declared, his hands moving around in a flurry as he seemingly started to make preparations for your stay. “Good! Right you should-”

“But I can’t stay here.” You declared, “I can’t stay with _you_. I can’t stay in these _walls_ -”

“No…” Orlo shook his head frantically, his hands raised as his voice trembled. “ _Please_ don’t do this.”

“Orlo, I can’t sleep here.” You tried to reason again, your eyes falling away from his own to gaze around his room once more. “I can't stay in your bed…”

“Why?” Orlo questioned cluelessly, his feet shuffling as he moved to perch himself on the side of the bed within your line of sight.

Sighing you shook your head, glancing away once more to look back towards the doors. The events that had led to this moment were a strange series, especially when you had been standing by those doors only hours earlier watching your heart break in two. Frowning your eyes naturally wandered to the end of the bed where they both had been splayed, you imagined what it was like to be laying beneath him as he hovered above you, imagined what your face had looked like from the crack in the door as he-

“ _Oh_ …” Orlo’s voice interrupted your spiralling mindset, your watery eyes snapping back to his own in time to catch him following your line of sight to the end of the bed. Smoothing the space down, the Count quickly clambered up from his perch and turned to face you completely.

“Oh _no_ \- I-” Orlo stumbled, his eyes averted as he seemed to carefully approach the topic. “The sheets have been changed since-”

Your cheeks flushed a hot red as you looked away in embarrassment. Your lost gaze had obviously come across to Orlo as an indication to the true reason behind your reluctance to stay within the palace walls. 

“Orlo _that_ isn’t what I was thinking.” You quickly excused, your heart crumbling inwards even more than you had deemed possible. 

“Oh…”

“But _that_ doesn’t make it any better.” You quickly tacked on, your eyes meeting his own as you tried in vain to reason with his stubborn views. “I mean I can't stay here with you, with Adina, the coup-”

“I have thrown the guards off your trail.” Orlo interrupted, his feet working themselves into a tight circle as he started to pace before you. “I have told Chekov that you are my guest and dismissed my staff for the next few days.”

“Orlo…”

“As for Catherine she does not know of your presence in my apartments.” He continued regardless, “Although… If we are being honest with each other then I doubt that it will stay that way for long.”

“This place-”

“This is the _safest_ place for you.” Orlo finished, his hands clasped together over his front as he rounded to face you once again. His eyes were set with determination, his posture strong and composed compared to his earlier attitude, you figured it was a glimpse into the man he was becoming, a man of whom had experienced and lost so much more than you could possibly imagine in the short span of which you were gone. 

“Orlo-”

“I will leave.” Orlo’s voice whispered in a final attempt to convince your torn heart. “I can lock the doors and you can have this room to yourself, no-one will disturb you. The only person who can get in here is myself, and I won’t enter unless you ask me to.”

The lethargy you had been fighting started to win its long drawn out battle, your hand barely covering your mouth in time to conceal a yawn. Rolling your shoulders, you tried in vain to focus on the conversation occurring before you now and not of the warmth that was slowly encompassing you.

Blinking away the black spots in your vision, you honed in on Orlo and his warm chocolate eyes. You wanted to trust the sense of compassion that he forced upon you with his concerned and caring gaze, but not matter how close you came to trusting it, your head would always win out with the sharp sting of his low guttural moan as he joined with Adina in his bed that night. 

Looking away, you focused on the doors across the room once again weighing up your options internally. You knew staying another day in the palace would only welcome more hurt and difficult decisions upon you, for not only had Orlo broken your heart, but your once called friends had betrayed your trust and viewed you as a traitor. In a world of coups and violence, you could only envision the type of plans they held for you if you were not to cooperate. How far would they go if you refused to join their plans? Would they fear your wandering tongue? Would they invoke a silence upon you for which you would never wake?

The anxiety bristled against your throat, your chest constricting as you felt yourself losing control once again. You hated yourself for your obvious display of weakness, hated your easily pleased and distracted mind for wandering back into the devil's lair once again. If you could turn back the hands of time you would never have left the quiet cottage nestled at the foot of a hill, would never have left the strange ragtag group you had come to see as a second family. 

Meeting Orlo’s gaze you frowned softly, your mouth falling open as you considered your words carefully. As Orlo had said there was no point focusing on the past, for it wouldn't change the present you were in. And currently? Currently you had no option to leave. For even if you got past the doors which were closed before you now, you would surely collapse in the middle of the bustling halls, raising questions as to the presence of a barely dressed stranger. At least here you were away from the wandering eyes and cruel tongues of nobles, here you could recover to a point of which you could leave and then slip out through the door before Orlo was even aware of your rousing. 

“How can I know that you’ll stay true to your word?” You asked lightly, your voice cracking as you tried to hide the emotional turmoil for which you were suffering.

Orlo’s mouth opened in an instance but instead of speaking, his initial words died on his lips, his features falling as he watched you lean forwards expectantly. As though he had sensed your hesitant thoughts, Orlo learnt from the mistakes he had made in your earlier argument and opted for the honest answer to your question.

“You can’t.” He declared with a sigh, his head falling as the hairs that had come loose from his tie fell forwards to conceal his face.

Sighing you eyed the room suspiciously once more, your hands gripping onto the sheets as you felt your concentration wane. The choice before you now was your only one, stay the night wrapped up in the sheets of which he had shared with Adina, recover your sense of balance and wellbeing and flee into the night before he or the coup had any indication of your wakefulness. 

Wordlessly you shifted further back into the bed once again, your legs tucking themselves together as you pulled the sheets up and over your trousers. It would be uncomfortable, but the thought of further undressing yourself before Orlo was out of the question, especially when you planned to slip into the night as soon as you awoke. 

Your silent rustling had attracted the Count’s attention, his eyes widening and mouth falling ajar as he watched you in silence. Shifting up the bed, you moved the pillow behind you so that they were arranged into a more comfortable setting, your head falling back onto them with a soft sigh as they embraced you in the warmth you had been floating in once before. Gripping the silk sheet you brought it up around your chest, your arms bolting yourself in and resting across your abdomen as you watched the Count warily.

“Good.” Orlo muttered as he came to his senses and snapped back to reality. “ _Good_!” 

“I’ll just-”Orlo continued to ramble, his eyes shifting from your own to the bedside table filled with books and notes. 

Scrambling on his feet, the Count slipped on his own wooden flooring as he desperately raced to grab as many belongings as he possibly could. “Let me grab some of my papers, books-”

Nodding you waited patiently as Orlo wandered around the room collecting various items, all the while your eyes followed him intently. Pausing by a table, Orlo’s hand rested across the cover of the book you had been treasuring for months, its pages crumpled and spine damaged from the throw. Tilting his head, Orlo became lost in his own world as his fingers graced the surface of the cover carefully, his fingers trailing the single hole that adorned the leather cover with care. The skin against your abdomen rippled, your rising panic and fear returning as you recalled the nightmares that often plagued your sleep, without the book you would have nothing to quell your racing mind and distract you from the rippling shadows of the room.

“Orlo?” You whispered softly as to hide the fear in your voice.

Orlo’s eyes snapped across to your own as he picked the book up from the side, his hands fiddling with the pages as he looked to tuck the loose ones back inside. “Yes?”

“Can I…” You gestured to the book he had just gathered into his arms, your eyes shimmering with a veil of tears as you struggled to hold them at bay. “Can I have the copy of Descartes back?”

Orlo frowned, the lines in his features deep and heavy as he struggled to understand the reasoning behind your request. You understood the confusion he wore and did not judge him for the hesitant way he took a step towards you. Only moments earlier had you been shouting at the top of your lungs, throwing insult after insult in his direction and tossing the beautifully bound literature to one side; damaging it as a sign of your resolve.

“Oh” Orlo hushed as he approached the side of the bed. “ _O_ -Of course, I do have a spare copy if-”

“No!” You exclaimed too quickly for it to seem cool and nonchalant. Swallowing away the lump in your throat you forced a half-hearted smile to your features, “That one is…. It’s fine.”

Orlo nodded slowly, as he gently clasped the cover and held it out towards you, his knuckles a stark white as he too seemed to try in vain to hide his true emotions. Reaching forwards you brought the book into your own palms, a small tear sliding down the side of your cheek as you gazed down at the damage you had wrought. You wished you could change the course of your actions, but the sea of red that had clouded your mind made you blind to reason, and now you were doomed to live with the consequences.

Stepping away Orlo walked to the far end of the room, his hand resting on the door as he turned back to look at you one final time. Swallowing away your fear and dismay, you met his gaze in a silent stare, your heart clenching in your chest.

“Rest well.” Orlo murmured, a small smile tugging at his features.

Inhaling sharply you frowned as you turned away from his hopeful eyes, your body shifting further down into the covers as you pulled your arm high to hide your features. Across the room, you caught the heavy sigh that befell Orlo’s lips followed by the soft click of the doors and the sharp crack of the lock being engaged. 

Sniffling you finally allowed your walls to fall and the torrent of tears to slide down your cheeks. Clutching the book tightly you brought it close to your chest, your arms wrapping around it as you sought what little comfort you could from its leather bound pages. Rolled up tightly amongst the sheets of Orlo’s bed, you found yourself feeling more alone than you had ever felt before, the cold ache of betrayal and burning itch of anxiety easing you into the darkness, a darkness which for the first time in your life you dreaded awakening from.

  


_Sunlight filtered across your face and filled you with a warmth you couldn’t place, your eyes squinting into tight lines as you frowned deeply. Before you stood a wide arching window, the glass panes opening up to a world filled with colour and life. The trees swayed as the gentle breeze caressed the changing leaves, birds swooping through the sky and weaving in and out of the swaying branches. Below you, countless nobles danced to the soft tunes of a violinist playing at the foot of the palace, their reflections catching on the water of the nearby fountains and creating an endless mirage._

_You weren’t sure how you had got here, or when. But the warmth that wrapped its way around your heart was too addictive to withdraw from, your head raised towards the sky as you surrendered yourself to a moment of peace._

_“I wish you would only listen.”_

_Turning you fought back a gasp at the sight of Count Orlo, his eyes wide and pleading as he clasped a book between his hands. Fidgeting nervously, the man waited with baited breath for your reaction, his eyes shifting between yourself and the world that buzzed beyond the window._

_The guilt that had pained you before came crashing over you once again, the warm peace that swelled in your stomach giving way to a moment of clarity. Smiling sadly, you pushed yourself away from the window and approached the tightly strung man before you. Your shuffling ceased only when you were mere inches apart, his breath hot against your skin as you glanced down at the book between his hands._

_Les Passions de l’âme rested between Orlo’s palms, its cover scratched, burnt and torn beyond a state of repair. It was strange how a book could represent so much that had gone on between you, how its ragged pages could invoke such a strong emotion from you that others could not. In another world far from the wretched palace of St Petersburg, you were sure you would have been teased for your attachment to an inanimate object. But the dishevelled literature meant so much to your heart now, it was a representation of everything you had fought for, everything you had believed in._

_With shaking hands you reached outwards, your fingers encircling Orlo’s own as you slowly met his gaze. The Count’s eyes were already honed in on your features, their surfaces glimmering with a veil of unfallen tears._

_“I’m listening now.” You whispered, your bleeding heart lowering its walls one final time. You owed Orlo as much, the time to speak without your own hurt blasting across his words. It would serve as your goodbye, a final farewell before your departure at mid-day._

_  
“Adina and I….” Orlo stuttered, his fingers wrapping around your own as though they were his only hope of remaining tethered to this room. “It’s not what you think.”_

_You fought the urge to shake your head in defiance at his words, the memories burned into your mind too damning to be dismissed. Instead you took a short step closer, your eyes wide and prying as you leaned forwards, an encouragement to speak further._

_“Tell me then.”_

_“When I was with her, I wasn’t with her.” Orlo gushed, his eyes slipping to your lips before returning to hold your gaze. Hesitating, the man bit down on the inside of his cheek, a single tear slipping from the corner of his eye and carving a small river through his features._

_“I was with you.”_

_Your heart ached for his words to be true, your mind falling into the same trap it had always been prone to._

_“That doesn’t make sense-”_

_“I know it doesn’t. But I didnt- I-” Orlo shook his head, his hands releasing your own as he passed the book across and back into your own care. Whirling around on the spot, Orlo faced away from your prying gaze, creating the space that had so far defined your rocky relationship and shielding the truth that was obviously so plainly displayed across his features._

_“Fuck.” Orlo hissed. “I am an idiot.”_

_Reaching forwards your hand came to rest on Orlo’s shoulder, your fingers bushing softly across the fine cotton of his waistcoat._

_“Orlo?”_

_Turning back around, the Count’s eyes softened as the lone tear had grown into an armada. His face glimmering in the sunlight with numerous salty tracks, despair and a final hope written clearly across his features. Swallowing hard, the Count raised his chin in a final stand._

_“I’m in love with you.” Orlo whispered hoarsely, his voice breaking from the weight of the emotions behind it. “You…. Y/N Y/L/N.”_

_“But..”_

_“I love you and I wish I had never laid hands on that….” Orlo sneered as he looked away, his mouth curled into a frown. “I did it for the coup. None of us doubt your loyalties, this is all just one big misunderstanding and I wish that you knew just how much-”_

_“I-I thought that you all hated me.” You echoed as your own tears began to spill from your eyes. The book which remained clasped between your palms suddenly felt lighter than it had in days, as though the confession had lifted your spirits and released your shackled heart._

_Orlo smiled sadly as his hand slowly rose upwards, his fingers brushing across your cheek as he pushed away the rogue strands of hair. Tilting his head, Orlo sighed as he held his palm against your cheek, his thumb sweeping away the tears that hung around your eye._

_“I could never hate you.”_

_Smiling you broke into a light laugh, your forehead falling forwards to rest against his own as you breathed each other in. Perhaps you had been wrong all of this time, your head distracted by the stupid thoughts and rumours which whispered in your ears. Maybe it was time to trust your heart, to trust the second chances that you had always lived by before. Orlo had never betrayed your trust before that day, and he had never shown any inclination to his hidden personality before. Just once you would lean into the small spark of hope in your chest, just this once you would give him the benefit of the doubt._

_“I don’t think I could ever hate you.” You whispered, your eyes fluttering open as you met his own stare. Inhaling sharply, Orlo’s bottom lip quivered, a darkness flashing across his features before disappearing altogether._

_Surging forwards, Orlo’s hand slipped from your cheek and wrapped around the back of your neck. His guidance led you to his lips as you crashed together into an inevitable embrace. The world beyond the window became muted, an echo of what it once was as your attention became fixated solely on him. The book of which had guided you through the darkest days of your life was soon forgotten, a soft thump resounding throughout the room as it fell to rest amongst the dust covered floorboards._

_Shuffling to the side, your feet kicked the spine of the book as you stumbled across to the large four poster bed. Your lips never once left his own, your tongues guiding each other in a silent dance as you entwined yourself into the others embrace. You were sinking into the depths of his warmth, safe and secure for as long as you remained curled up inside of his arms._

_Orlo’s advances continued as he pushed you hard, a gasp falling from you as you stumbled over the side of the bed and fell down amongst the soft silks that awaited you. Smiling brightly, Orlo quickly followed suit as he clambered atop of you, his hands trailing down your arms and sides as though he was memorising your body for years to come._

_Reaching forwards you were surprised when the Count’s hands circled your wrists, pinning you down to the bed so that you couldn't move an inch. Frowning, your worry was quickly silenced by the cheeky grin that tugged at the edge of Orlo’s lips, his head tilting as he leaned forwards to meet your own for a passionate kiss._

_Humming you felt your own smile tug at your features, your fight against his restraint failing as you rested back down against the sheets, submitted to his entire will. Sensing your submission, Orlo moaned back in agreement, his teeth clashing against your own in a clumsy maneuver. Pulling away lightly, his lips slowly started to trail off to the side and down across your cheek, his tongue licking away the salty tracks that stained your skin._

_“I’ve missed you.” Orlo breathed, his lips trailing your skin as he kept you pinned down against the bed. Giggling at the goosebumps that erupted from his touch, you felt your abdomen twist with a sense of need, his leg resting so close to the place where you needed him most._

_“I’ve missed you too.” You stuttered back, your eyes fluttering closed as you dived into the divine bliss Orlo’s ministrations pulled from your body. His lips were hot and wet against your skin as he slowly navigated your neck, his teeth dragging across your collarbone before lightly biting down, marking you for all to see._

_Shifting you tried to reach down for him when your hands were suddenly halted, a sharp burn erupting from your wrists. Eyes flying open, you tilted your head and frowned as you noted that you were suddenly tied down by a spool of rough rope. Confusion briefly flooded you before Orlo’s lips were pressed against your own once more._

_“I almost don’t want to see you go.” Orlo whispered as his lips brushed against your own, his teeth latching onto your bottom lip and biting down hard._

_You squealed as he pierced the skin, blood dripping down your chin and splashing into your mouth. Shaking, you tried in vain to push him off of you as he pressed a soft kiss to your cheek once again._

_“Orlo is she ready?”_

_You froze as Adina stepped out from behind the Count, her hair done up and pushed away from her face as she stalked towards you slowly. Pulling against the restraints you tried in vain to escape, your body going cold as the woman smirked down upon you with a cruel intent reflected in her eyes. Orlo sighed as he pushed away from you, his body sliding off the bed before turning back to his accomplice._

_“Of course my love.” Orlo smirked, his hand slipping around Adina’s waist as he pulled her in against his chest. With your blood still staining his own lips, the count leaned forwards and pressed them against the inside of Adina’s neck, imprinting her with a mark of your own blood._

_Humming Adina smiled as she pushed him away, her body shifting forwards as she climbed up the bed so that she was hovered above you. With roaming eyes the noble picked you apart bit by bit, her tongue dragging across her lips as though she was a predator admiring her next meal._

_“Perfect.”  
  
_

_“Leave me alone” You tried, your hands balled into fists as you tried the ropes once more._

_“After you tried to ruin my plans?” Adina tutted, her head shaking as she reached forwards and plucked one of the pillows out from behind you. “No. I won’t rest until your body is cold and picked apart by the wolves in the woods.”_

_“Orlo?” You begged, the fear that smothered you tainting your voice as you looked towards him desperately._

_The Count frowned as he looked away, his arms crossed over his chest as though he was bored with the state of the events. “Do it.”_

_“Orlo!”_

_Adina laughed at your cries as she brought the pillow high and pressed it down against your face._

_“ORLO!”_

_Screaming, you thrashed as the breath was forced from your lungs, the tears which stained your cheeks being absorbed by the coarse material of the cushion as Adina pushed down hard. Gasping you struggled for breath, your heart hammering wildly in your chest as you slowly felt yourself slip away from reality._

_“Orlo please...”_

_The air around you was hot and light, filled with the cackling laugh of Adina and the complicit hum of Count Orlo. Your heart which had broken into a thousand pieces slowed as you struggled to claim any air for your lungs, your vision faltering as darkness began to overtake your senses entirely. Your dreams, hopes and aims dissipating like smoke before your very eyes._

_“It’s alright, It’s alright!”_

“I’m here.”

Gasping, your eyes flew open as you were dragged back into the present once again, warm hands pressed against your shoulders in a vain attempt to still your flailing limbs. In the swamping darkness of the room your mind kicked into overtime, the shifting shadows twisting your perception and sending your heart racing. Gritting your teeth, you tried in vain to free yourself from the mess of thick blankets and covers, the fine bedding scratching your skin as you slowly broke free.

“ _Shhh_ ” The silhouette before you hissed, “I'm here. You’re ok.”

“GET OFF ME!” 

Releasing its grip, the silhouette shifted across the covers and towards the bedside, striking a small stone and lighting the candle bedside you. In an instant the room was swamped in a flickering warm light, the dancing shadows receding to reveal Orlo hovering beside you like a restless fly guarding its scraps.

With a screech your hand flailed wide, your palm connecting with the side of the Count’s face and causing him to stumble away from your figure. A string of curses slipped from his lips as he turned away from you, his hand pressed against his face as he breathed heavily. 

Like a taut string your mind snapped back into place, your brows furrowed as you cast your gaze across your surroundings with care. Adina was nowhere to be seen, the room empty barring the two souls which occupied it now. 

It was just another dream- another nightmare.

“Orlo?” You whispered, your eyes wide as the Count slowly turned back to face you. Glancing between his hand and his face, you found your eyes watering from the implications of your night terror. 

Orlo forced a smile to his features as he slowly pulled his hand away from his face, his eyes shifting across your form as he shuffled closer once more. An awkward silence had befell you both, each of you on the precipice of spilling a endless tirade of words but both blocked by the circumstances laid before you like a ravine. 

“I think it is fair to say I deserved that.” Orlo began with a self deprecating jab, his voice wobbling as he sought to lay the beginnings of a foundation for your friendship.

“Perhaps.” You offered in turn, your head spinning and woozy from the mess of herbs flooding your system. Pressing the back of your hand to your forehead, you wiped away at the beads of sweat which covered your face, your breathing still heavy from the panic you had endured.

A sad smile filled the Count’s features as he looked down towards the ground, his shoulders sagging as he seemingly resigned himself to the sorry state of affairs that was left in the wake of his betrayal. Guilt flooded you entirely, a feeling you shouldn't be at liberty to feel and kneel to, but one you hated nonetheless. 

Sighing you shifted back down into the thick array of pillows behind you, your hands clutching at the soft blankets pooled around your waist as you hiked them back up your form in order to maintain some semblance of modesty in your barely dressed state.

“Sorry” You whispered, your eyes darting away from his own in order to avoid any potential emotional outburst. “I shouldn’t have hit you like that.”

“You have nothing to apologise for.” Orlo smiled sadly, “It’s a good thing I wasn’t wearing my glasses.”

Silence befell you both once again as you simply watched him curiously, your heart leaping with every shifting shadow, your mind still so quick to assume the presence of something more malicious. In your head you could still recall the cold look in his eyes as he turned away from your choking form, his compliance to aid in your murder stinging you far more than it should for a dream.

Sensing your discomfort, Orlo coughed into his hand as he settled down on the side of the bed cautiously. His eyes gaining a faraway look as he stared at the flickering candlelight beside you.

“I got rid of them a while ago now.” He murmured, “I guess that's just another way in which I’ve changed in your eyes.”

“You don’t need them?” You pried softly, your voice still hoarse from the screaming that you had unwittingly partaken in. 

“Not anymore.” Orlo hushed as his eyes hesitantly shifted across to meet your own. 

In an instant your racing mind gave way to a feeling of relief as your nerves were put at ease. It was a strange notion, that his eyes still submerged you in a wave of calm after the betrayal he had played his part in. Orlo always had the warm eyes of someone you felt you could trust, someone who you could give your heart over to and rest assured that it would remain protected for the rest of days. It was part of his nature, part of his allure that had reigned you in.

It was also one of the reasons why you found it so hard to hold his gaze now.

“Uh… _Ah!_ I’ve brought you some food and drink.” Orlo recovered before the silence could become too deafening. 

Reaching across to the cabinet beside the bed, Orlo pulled a small tray across and situated it over your lap. The plate which rested in the centre was filled with a large bowl, two pieces of freshly baked white bread nestled against the side. 

“You have not eaten or had any water for the whole day and… I thought you would like something to- uh-”

“Thank you.” You mumbled, your stomach growling loudly as the warm scent of beef stew assaulted your senses. Breathing in the broth you smiled as your hands latched to either side of the bowl, the warmth encompassing your cold fingers and chasing away the remaining fear which lingered in your bones.

Tilting your head, you eyed the grand meal before you. All of your life you had been subjected to the leftovers of the grand feasts or the small scraps that you could pull together on the tokens and favours you acquired during your services. Although the meals with Igor had been filling, they were only ever prepared with the scraps that were pulled together by yourself and Aleksander as you foraged the nearby forest for mushrooms. 

Plucking up a spoon you dipped the utensil into the thick brown broth, picking away at the pieces of meat and veg which rested at the bottom. Smiling you felt your stomach growl once more at the prospect of a fulfilling meal, your thoughts becoming hazy as a yawn tore through your body once again.

“Are you okay?” Orlo pried, his weight pressing further down onto the mattress as he seemingly settled into his spot beside you.

Nodding you placed the spoon back down on the side of the tray, your stomach twisting as your need to eat fought back against the rising lethargy that pushed against your consciousness once more. Distracted and dazed, you waved a hand through the air as you tried to dismiss the extra pair of eyes that seemed content to watch your every action. 

“You may leave if you like, I’ll eat it in a while-”

“No!” Orlo exclaimed too quickly for his liking. Recovering his posture, the Count brushed a hand across his face as he attempted to clarify his outburst.

“No- I mean- You can barely keep your eyes open and the physician said to make sure that you ate.” He paused, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip as he gestured to the plate before you. “I will leave once you have at least had some of the bread.”

Had you not been swimming high on the nausea that was pumping through your veins, you would have found the effort to argue back against his request, citing the broken promise he had made to leave you alone. Instead you simply nodded once, accepting his reasoning and reaching for the bread that he had gestured to on your plate. Tearing the piece in half, you dunked the food into the broth that bubbled before you, your tongue swiping across your lips in anticipation.

“This doesn’t change anything.” You stated in kind before pushing the first piece into your mouth. Instantly you felt the bread melt against your tongue, the broth warming you from the inside out as you swallowed it far too quickly for your liking. 

“I know.” Orlo uttered, oblivious to the ecstasy you were gaining from a simple slice of bread. “I wouldn’t expect it to.”

Nodding at his response, you pushed your fingers into your mouth and licked clean the remnants of the broth from your skin. It was a habit which you had developed from your time serving, never to waste a single drop of substance even when there was plenty in demand. For depending on your masters and the weather that plagued the land, you didn't always know where your next meal would come from. In a palace that valued the high classes over that of anyone else, it was an unwritten law that they would always claim the first scraps.

Seemingly ignoring your poor manners and deciding not to comment on your actions, Orlo watched in silence as you picked up a spoon and dunked it into the broth, your wrist swirling the sauce around until you picked free a single piece of beef. The piece of meat disappeared in an instance as you dropped it into your mouth, your eyes rolling into your head as you chewed on the delightful meal.

Clearing his throat, Orlo played with his hands as they remained folded in his lap. Opening your eyes, you watched the count silently as he seemed to consider speaking. His mind was quickly made up however as he shifted into the bed further, his leg tucked up beneath him as he arched himself to face you fully. With a mouth full of food, you found it difficult to oppose his settling in, your brow raised inquisitively as you awaited the question that seemed perched on the tip of his tongue. 

“You were writhing in your sleep.” Orlo began, “W-What was that? A dream?”

Swallowing the beef you dropped your spoon back down against your tray, your hands plucking up the piece of bread you had been requested to eat. Wordlessly you decided to finish the rest of the bread before continuing with the stew, for then Orlo would have no further excuse for his presence and prying questions. 

That being said, as you dunked the bread into the broth you caught yourself focusing on his incessant fidgeting, your heart aching at the obvious signs of discomfort and anxiety he was displaying. Irritated and guilty for being the cause of such a moodlet, you caved to his questions and answered them with the terseness they deserved.

“A nightmare.”

“Do you have them often?”

“Didn’t used to.” You supplied as you plucked a second piece of bread into your mouth. 

“Didn’t used to?” Orlo echoed, his head tilting as he seemed to try and read your blank features. 

Looking away you focused solely on the plate of food before you again, your fingers breaking away a piece of crust as you swirled it amongst the beef and vegetables. 

“You started drinking.” You voiced in an attempt to change the topic of conversation. 

Meeting Orlo’s eyes you fought off the urge to smirk in triumph at the surprise his features held, instead plucking the food into your mouth and chewing with little care for manners.

“Hm?” Orlo stumbled, his eyes shifting to the side cabinet before settling back upon your features.

“When you-” You coughed, clearing your throat of the crumbs from your meal before reiterating. “When you kissed me I could taste it.”

“Oh” Orlo paused, “Well, a lot has happened these past few months.”

Scoffing you rolled your eyes dramatically, your tongue far looser than it had been earlier. You blamed the warm haze that filled your head, the lethargy and warmth of the stew a devastating combination for the clarity of your mind. In this state you would make a terrible gambler, your honest words spilling from your lips and cards on full display for all to see. 

“Yes” You forced as you gestured to Orlo’s appearance, “I can see that.”

Orlo had the decency to appear indignant at the notion, his hands pulling down the front of his waistcoat as he squared his shoulders and showed his own hand. Perhaps you were both terrible gamblers.

“Velementov convinced me.” Orlo began, his eyes glazed over as though he was lost in a memory. “-but It is not going to become a habit of mine. I still prefer the comfort of books over the warmth of vodka.”

Smiling the Count leaned forwards slightly, a vain attempt to appear convincing. 

Irritated, you scoffed once more as you violently tore off another piece of bread. Cocking your head to the side, you smirked sadistically.

“What about the comfort of a woman's _cunt_?” You asked in a sugar sweet voice, fully aware of the awkwardness such a statement would cause.

“I-” Orlo frowned, his eyes averted as he shook his head in a blustered sense of embarrassment. “I… Well..”

The reaction you gained was exactly as you had envisioned, but instead of bringing you the joy or sense of redemption you thought it might, it instead rained over you in a tinge of regret. It was almost as though you regretted the words as soon as they had spilled from your lips, a fact that you would never voice out loud for him to know. 

“Velementov convinced you?” You questioned more lightly than before, your words a lifeline from your harsher and more deceptive question. “Must have been a hell of a proposal, you were so against it before.”

Orlo’s eyes slowly returned to your own, a look of understanding filling them as he nodded slowly in agreement. Tugging down his sleeves, Count Orlo readjusted his appearance in an attempt to regain his own sense of control, a nervous tick you had witnessed him perform countless times before.

“Like I said a lot has changed since you left.”

“I didn’t _leave_.” You interjected quickly, the bread you had been picking at falling from your fingers. Shaking your head you looked away from the round brown eyes that studied your every move, your hands brushing against the sheets beside you.

“You make it sound as though I swanned away through the gates willingly.”

A loud whistling caught your attention as you jolted in your spot, your eyes wide and latching onto the doors adjacent as you searched for any sign of an intruder. To Orlo you must have appeared to be like that of a spooked horse, your sense of presence tossed into the wind as you focused solely on the sounds around you and not of your company. Catching the tray edge, Orlo held it steady as you settled back down against the pillows, your eyes still trailing the edge of the room for any signs of a disturbance.

“There is a draft.” Orlo reassured you, his hand brushing against the outside of your knee as to capture your attention. “The wind is blowing in from the storm outside.”

Inhaling deeply, you nodded slowly as you settled back down. Averting your eyes, your focus honed in on the food resting against your legs once more, your hands quickly plucking away at the bread as you ate at a faster pace and with less care than you had before. 

Your display had seemingly intrigued the Count in a way that you hadn’t seen before, his brow crinkled into one of consideration as he rolled his lips between his teeth. Smacking them loudly, he reached across to the cabinet beside you and grabbed a small glass of water, his hands wrapping around it tightly as he watched you carefully.

“I killed a man.” Orlo randomly declared in a voice as soft as a whisper. Had you been moving you feared his words would have been drowned out by the shifting of silks, the random declaration too airy to be anything but the truth.

“ _What_?” You echoed, your hands lowering the piece of bread away from your mouth. “Archie?”

“No!” Orlo clarified, “No. A Swede.” 

You knew that his declaration was serving as a distraction from your own fear, but you also couldn't help but wonder whether this was the first time Orlo had spoken about it to anyone. Whether this was not only serving as a distraction from your high alert state, but also as a chance for him to air his confessions and have his feelings heard. 

Regardless of his intentions, his words had hooked your attention once more.

“A Swede?” You clarified, “When?”

“A month ago I was due a trip to the front and-” Orlo frowned as his eyes seemed to grow heavier with the burden he carried, “Well lets just say that it did not go as planned.”

Orlo swallowed sharply as he looked away and towards the flickering candlelight before you, a haunted look filling his features as he became lost in the memories he carried. You remained silent as you simply observed his actions, your heart catching in your chest as you noted that it was like you were watching your own reflection. 

Numbly you noted that it seemed he was telling the truth, that the time you had been gone from the palace had been one filled with change for the man. Perhaps laying with Adina wasn’t the only major jolt in his life from the timid gentleman you had come to love, but the savagery of snuffing a life from the Earth had done just as much damage to his carefree and loving repertoire. 

Needless to say, whether Orlo had intended to hurt you as much as he did, you wouldn’t stand by and watch him suffer now. Not when he had shown you a level of kindness you didn’t deserve, not when he seemingly suffered from the same plague of nightmares that you had carried for months.

“I’m sure it was necessary.” You forced, your voice croaking slightly as you watched him remain lost to the flame.

“I almost didn’t do it.” He whispered dejectedly, “I didn’t want to, I…”

Shaking his head Orlo’s eyes fell to his hands, his fingers flexing as he turned them over and observed them in a new light. You knew that inside his head he was likely imagining a million scenarios, contemplating the countless actions he had chosen in the moment that had led him to this point in time. You could see from the curl of his lips and the tragedy housed in those warm eyes that he hated the choice he had made, but also had gained some sense of relief from it all the same. He was conflicted, his mask shattered and breaking free with every passing second.

It was scary, to see a man so broken from an action that others would have blinked at. But then again, Orlo was not like any other man.

“I keep thinking as to whether the man I killed had a family.” Orlo murmured, his fingers brushing against his palm as though he was wiping something away. “Did I kill a father? A loyal husband?”

Your heart ached for him in a way you knew it shouldn’t. But in the drugged haze you occupied you fell back into the familiar routine you would share with him after a difficult day working for Peter, you worked to mitigate the thoughts in his head and clear a path for him to return back to the kind and silently caring persona he evoked.

“If he's anything like the men within _these_ walls then he certainly wasn't a loyal one.” You reasoned softly. 

Orlo flinched at the comment, his eyes still trained to his hands. 

“Velementov said it would ease the pain.” 

Intrigued you placed the piece of bread you had been holding down, your head tilted as you considered your own plight. In the early days you had wished that the nightmares would ease with time, that they would slowly disappear with every passing day. Instead they had intensified, becoming more twisted into reality than you could ever hope. So much so that sometimes you struggled to tell the difference between your dreams and the truth. Igor had given you a lighter form a sleeping aid countless times, but they never worked. The only relief you gained was from the heavy chemicals he had administered to knock you out that first night, but even then he swore that you could not continuously rely on the harsh stench of chloroform to ease you into the unknown.

In honesty you had never considered turning to the sharp taste of vodka, but if the home remedy offered some form a relief, then who were you to turn it down?

“And?” You asked hopefully.

“Hm?” Orlo questioned, his eyes reluctantly meeting your own.

“The vodka?” You pushed, “Does it help?”

Orlo’s eyes casted over your figure slowly, as though he was reading more from the question than you were willing to handover. It seemed the answers he had been searching for were found when he finally met your gaze once again, a sympathetic smile tugging at his lips as he shook his head slowly in response.

“No.” Orlo admitted with a heavy sigh, a sign to you that he wasn’t just telling you that as to turn you off from trying it yourself. “No if anything it makes it worse.”

Gritting your teeth you tried to mask the rising hope that had been quickly extinguished from you once again, your fingers plucking the discarded bread and forcing it into your mouth with a slight animosity. Chewing loudly, you pressed the back of your hand against your lips, your eyes trained on the floating pieces of beef in the broth before you.

Coughing you cursed your stupidity as the bread you swallowed caught the back of your throat. Orlo moved with a speed you hadn’t seen from him before, his body shifting off from the side of the bed and pressing a hand into the space between your shoulder blades. The water he had been nursing since your uptake in pace was quickly thrusted before you in a silent offering, his lips pursed as he hushed your coughs away in a comforting manner.

Accepting the water you quickly downed the glass in an instance, your parched lips relishing the cooling liquid as it eased the burn in the back of your throat. Bringing his hand away from your back, Orlo settled back down on the side of the bed, much closer to you than he had been previously.

“Instead I-” Orlo paused, his eyes watching you curiously before taking the empty glass from your hands. “I found talking about what happened more of an ease to my burden, my thoughts.”

A sarcastic laugh forced its way from your chest as Igor’s own suggestion echoed in your mind, your head shaking as you looked away from Orlo and to the flickering candle before you. 

“Hm. I am told that.” You commented airily, “A lot actually…”

Orlo smirked as he poured you another glass of water from the jug that rested beside you, his hands barely concealing a slight tremor as he handed it back. Accepting the water with a small thanks, you brought it to your lips once more. 

“I’m just convinced that it's because people are gossips.” You mused into the rim of the glass, your eyes bright as they caught Orlo’s own amused gaze.

Shrugging the Count made no attempt to swipe away the hidden accusation behind your words, instead he lifted his head and recited one of the many quotes he had squirreled away from the books he absorbed day in and day out.

“Things are sullen, and will be as they are, whatever we think them or wish them to be.”

Rolling your eyes at the reference that went far over your head, you instead relished in the moment of still peace that seemed to work its way between you both. For the first time since your return, you felt as though yourself and Orlo stood on a level playing field, each of your vulnerabilities laid out for all to see, and neither judged for the actions the other had taken in achieving them. Although Orlo didn’t know the true nature as to the nightmares that haunted you, he did know that you were weak enough to fall prey to them and had seen first hand the detrimental impact they had on your day to day life.

In a way you gained some form of twisted respect for the man before you, your heart taking its first step towards healing.

Tilting your head, you watched Orlo closely as his eyes drifted around the room, his hands clutched tightly over his lap as he seemingly contemplated the best course of action in continuing the conversation you shared. Luckily for him, you already had the same plans on your own mind, although the question was more intrusive than what he likely had planned.

“You really have changed.” You noted aloud, your eyes widening and cheeks reddening at the outburst. You cursed the drugs for your lack of control, your shoulders rolling as you tried to own the statement you had made.

Orlo’s eyes rounded on you as he looked down with a sense of unease, his lip trembling as he considered your words.

“I-I- suppose it would be optimistic to assume that's for the better?”

“In all honesty I am not sure what to make of you.” You blurted once more, your head tilting as you eyed him suspiciously. “In ways you have changed for the better and in others you have changed for the worst. And sometimes I look at you and still see the timid bureaucrat I have always known.”

The answer seemed to satisfy Orlo as he nodded in agreement with your analysis, the lack of surprise from your questioning leading you to assume that he had already considered it, that he had already over analysed his shift in persona long before you had gained the strength to voice it out loud.

“What I said earlier about you.” Orlo approached the subject carefully, his hands balled into fists in an attempt to quell his restless hands. “I didn’t-” 

“You were right.” You cut across, your eyes falling to the broth once more. 

Amongst the beef cubes and chopped vegetables, you could make out the rough reflection of your features, your eyes wide as they stared back in an unending loop. In ways you didn’t recognise the woman you saw before you, she was different, changed, morphed into an echo of what she was, all the while retaining the redeeming features that had made her. In the moments before you fell asleep, clutching the book you had cherished as tears rolled down your cheeks, you had come to the same stark realisation that you theorised Orlo had undergone himself. You had changed, and if anything you had changed more than the man before you now.

“I fear that there has been a change in me too.” You declared dejectedly, “Just… everything that’s happened has- well...” 

Your words cut off as Orlo’s fingers brushed with the skin of your chin, his gentle pushing guiding your gaze back to meet his own.

Swallowing away the lump in your throat, you felt your eyes water as you smiled sadly. “It’s been a lot.”

Orlo nodded as his fingers drew away from your skin, his eyes narrowed as he seemingly pushed on with the subject he had been meaning to broach since the moment you had returned to him. 

“We skirt around the topic but I am just going to ask.” Orlo declared with a swipe of his hands. Noting the discomfort that flashed across your features, he pressed a single hand against your leg, a comforting weight to ease you through the tale you would have to relive once more.

“What happened that night?” 

Inhaling sharply you averted your eyes quickly, your voice too tight to come across as convincing. “What night?”

“The night we were due to meet? I waited for you and you just…” Orlo paused as he considered his words, “Disappeared.”

Panic started to rise inside of you as your chest constricted sharply, your breaths shortening as you scanned the room for any signs of an audience. Sensing your anxiety, Orlo’s thumb brushed against your leg through the covers, his body arching forwards in an attempt to close the gap between you.

“What would Adina think-”

“I do not care for what she thinks.” Orlo answered quickly, “Tell me.” 

“I…” You shook your head, fearful for the repercussions that would come from speaking ill of a noble of Adina’s standing. Flashes of your nightmare and the coups betrayal reigned free in your head, the moment too fresh to be dismissed completely. 

“I shouldn’t.”

Orlo shifted as he eased the glass away from your hands and placed it on the cabinet beside you. In an instance his hands had sought out your own, his fingers entwining with yours and encasing them in a familiar comfort. The urge to pull away was strong, but the glimmer in his eyes convinced you otherwise as the burning warmth from your drug induced haze eased your rapidly beating heart.

“ _Please_.”

Letting go of the hesitation you held, you closed your eyes and allowed the concoction induced mist of detachment carry you back to the night you wished you could just forget. 

“A-Adina swapped the note in the book you gave me. I was a fool to think that she wouldn't look after catching us together. If I hadn't been so blinded by-” You froze, your eyes snapping open as you hesitantly met Orlo’s gaze. 

It was strange how he could manage to convey so many emotions from a single look, it inspired a sense of self worth inside of you, a blossoming hope and warmth to ease your worries. It told you so much about how he felt in the moment, a shimmering sense of understanding for the words you were struggling to voice and the declaration you were seconds from admitting. 

Then again, Orlo had been the one to hold your kiss that night, he had been the one to greet you again with a second kiss and embrace. Orlo was a smart man, he may have been oblivious in the first place, but the look he regarded you with now told you that he knew all about the love you held in your heart. Perhaps that’s what made the whole situation worse, the fact that he had willingly proceeded to chase Adina despite knowing the depths of which your admiration for him travelled. It was probably why despite the soft smile he gave you now, you couldn't voice the words you had wanted to say, and were left picking up the pieces and skirting the topic altogether.

“-blinded, then I would have realised she saw far more than just us talking.” You finished after an unhealthy gap. 

Orlo frowned at your pause, his mouth opening before closing after a moment of consideration. Whatever question he had wanted to ask, he had decided not to broach the subject again, the hesitation and uneasy frown lining your features enough to convince him otherwise.

“Your note was to meet on the outskirts of the woods.” You continued, your fingers wrapping around themselves as the meal you had been enjoying laid across your lap long forgotten. “I thought it was strange but…” 

You shook your head at the memory, of your naivety and lack of awareness. Looking back now, all the signs were there for the false trail Adina had established. You should have known better. 

“I went straight there and she…”

Your breath caught in your throat as her cold eyes filled the shadows around the room, your chest constricting as they shifted and morphed into a silhouette that lingered in the corner. Outside, the wind smashed against the windows of the palace, the iron fixings rattling and crackling in a way reminiscent of a gunshot. 

Orlo’s hand sought your own in an instance, his palm hot and heavy as he rested it over your fidgeting hands. Meeting his gaze, you held onto the sense of assuredness that he portrayed, his thumb caressing your skin and pushing away the darkening thoughts from your clouded mind. Nodding, Orlo gestured for you to continue.

“ _She_ -” You shuddered at the memory of the bullet that pierced your shoulder, of the hot sticky sensation that drenched your neck and clothes as your lifeforce oozed from the dangerous wound she had inflicted.

“She shot me.”

“She _shot_ you?” Orlo echoed in disbelief, his eyebrows high and mouth ajar.

“Twice.”

“ _Twice_!” He repeated again, his hands tightening around your own.

Nodding you smiled sadly, your eyes falling to the way he clung to you now. His knuckles were a stark white, his thumb ceased in its movements as his fingers curled their way amongst your own. You tried to ignore the thumping of your heart at the menial action, dismissing it as a form of comfort for a woman he had knowingly wronged. It earnt him no redemption in your eyes, and was simply a technique he had adapted to squeeze the truth from your lips. 

Deep down, it made you wonder whether any of the concern he had shown you was genuine.

“Yes well…” You trailed off, distracted by your shifting thoughts. “Obviously I am a lot harder to kill than I look.” 

Snapping back to the present, you slowly withdrew your hands away from Orlo’s. The cold twinge in your heart telling you that it was the right action to do, while the sadness that slowly filled his own features told you otherwise. Eager to distract him from the obvious withdrawal you were undergoing, you pushed on with your retelling of events.

“The first was in the shoulder which was the worst one, and then in my abdomen but...” 

Glancing down into the bed, your hand dove beneath the covers to retrieve the same book that had saved you that fateful day. Smiling, you turned the cover over in your hands, your eyes trailing the leather bound book and absorbing every minute detail you could. Even now, half fallen to pieces and damaged from the impact of a musket ball, it held a worth that you could never imagine yourself repaying.

Nodding to yourself, you pushed the book across to Orlo.

“It saved me.” 

Orlo grimaced as he took the book from your hands, his fingers once again circling the small hole that adorned the cover. 

“The book?”

“Yes, it took the majority of the impact.” You reiterated Igor’s own explanation, “Igor told me it acted like a cushion, slowing down the pellet enough that it didn't fully pierce my skin. I'm lucky it was in the right position and that she didn't have a more powerful weapon, otherwise I'd be dead.”

Orlo nodded as he discarded the book to one side. 

“Who is _Igor_?”

“A physician.” 

“And your shoulder is all healed?”

As if to emphasise the point you rolled your shoulders, your hand touching the site of the wound as if to highlight that it was no longer anything to worry about. Your reassurances didn't seem to sink in for Orlo however, as the lines in his forehead only deepened further, his gaze fixated on the site which you held with your own hand. Reaching forwards, the Count hesitated in his actions.

“ _M_ -May…” He stuttered, his eyes shifting from your own and back to the site of the scar. “May I see?”

“See?” You questioned, “Why?”

“Because I _need_ to know. I _need_ to see.”

“I don't think that is wise, Orlo.”

“Please.” He begged again, spittle spilling from his lips as his hands began to tremor with a barely concealed shake. 

Your stomach twisted with unease as you slowly nodded your head in confirmation. You weren’t sure as to why he desired to see the small scar that littered your shoulder, weren’t sure as to the meaning it held for him as he entered a new relationship with Adina. Quite frankly you were confused. Confused of his actions and confused of the words he spoke now. Had you not seen what you had seen upon your return, you would have believed that Orlo held no admiration for Lady Adina and you certainly would never have pictured them together. But instead you had caught them in each other's embrace, their lewd moans stained into your eyes for an eternity. 

Orlo’s lack of compassion for her now was more confusing than you would ever admit, but even if his lack of feelings for her were true, your decision to leave would still remain intact.

Climbing further onto the bed, Orlo’s legs knocked against your own as he leaned in close. Your breath froze in your lungs as his fingers curled around the edge of your blouse, his eyes dipping low as he pulled the material back and away from your shoulder. As expected, a small circular scar sat emblazoned across your skin. Although it was fully healed, the edges of the wound still remained tinged a slight pink, the discolouration noticeable enough that it almost shone in the low flickering candlelight. 

Hissing to himself, Orlo’s fingers gently touched the site of the wound, your whole body flinching as your eyes snapped to his own. 

_No…_ Confusion wasn’t a strong enough word to describe the state of loss you were at now, you doubted any word would be apt enough to detail the turmoil your mind was tossed between. On the one hand you relished the contact and the warmth that blossomed inside of your broken heart, but on the other you were repulsed by the contact and wanted nothing more than to push him off and away from you.

But here you were, silent and still under his touch as he either admired the handy work of the woman he had laid with, or cursed the wound she had inflicted on your body. In your current state you would never know the truth to the answers you sought, and you doubted that even with a clear mind you could understand the intentions behind his actions. 

Reaching upwards, you grabbed at Orlo’s wrist gently, your fingers coaxing him away from the wound and pushing him back to the distance he had once occupied before. Only then did you find that you could breathe once more.

“Adina believed me to be as good as dead.” You continued as though nothing had transpired between you, “So she commanded another to throw me into a carriage and told them to dump my body far from the palace.”

Orlo’s sad eyes snapped away from your wound to meet your own, his eyes widening as he raised a single finger in response.

“ _Wait…_ There was another? Do you know who was helping her?” Shaking his head, he rephrased his question. “Could you remember them if you saw them?”

Closing your eyes you tried to recall the secondary figure that had been there that night, that had thrown you over their shoulder and carried you off into the abyss. You had never thought to ask about your theoretical grave digger that night, Igor had always avoided the topic with a quick change of conversation or simplified explanation. 

“No.” You resigned, “Everything is blurry past that point. It’s what my nightmares are about. That and… others.”

“Adina?” 

“Mostly, but sometimes…”  
  
“Me.” Orlo declared reluctantly. “I heard you mumbling my name as I walked in.” 

You refrained from gasping as you watched him cautiously, scared as to what his next actions would be at the knowledge that you not only loathed him for the betrayal he had caused, but also feared him for the damage that he could bring. 

Sensing your discomfort, Orlo shifted further backwards from his perch on the side of the bed, his eyes shimmering with tears once again.

“I am sorry for causing you so much pain.” Orlo began, the sincerity in his voice clear for all to see. “Believe me when I say that I have _never_ \- would _never_ want to cause you any harm.”

Inhaling slowly, you felt your throat constrict as you rebutted the promise of which he had already broken. 

“It is a little hard to believe you when you say that, seeing as you have already broken my heart.”

A single tear slipped from the corner of Orlo’s eye as he inclined his head in acknowledgement, his hand quickly ridding himself of the lone salty track before it could fall any further.

“Catching you both together was more painful than I could ever have imagined it to be, and then hearing you speak with the coup about me in such a way was just...” 

“I am sorry you had to see that.” Orlo cut across softly, his hand inching towards your own. Glancing down, you watched as his pinky finger twitched outwards, so close to entwining with your own. 

“If I could turn back the hands of time and change the past then there is so much I would do differently.” He paused, his teeth biting down onto his bottom lip. “But you should know that Adina and _I_ \- Uh- _well the coup_ \- _I_ never-”

Your heart sunk as the pathetic excuses seemingly spilled from his lips once more, his words reawakening the hurt you had endured earlier that day and stoking the flames that had long since died out inside of you.

This was not what you wanted, what you needed. For a moment you had thought you had moved past the petty excuses and sharpened insults, that you had processed each other's grief and come to a mutual understanding of the barriers your friendship now held. Perhaps this is what you deserved after opening your doors to him so soon after your earlier argument, this is what you had unknowingly gained by allowing him the contact he had requested.

Glaring down at his hand that slowly reached for you own, you pulled it away quickly. 

“Please, Orlo.” You begged, your words slurring as the medicine you had been prescribed slowly pulled you back down into the darkness that had claimed you once already. “I don’t want to get into this again.”

“Neither do I.” Orlo exclaimed, his words high pitched and desperate. “But what I’m trying to say is-”

“Do you really want to dredge up all the pain again?” You cut across loudly, the tone of your voice sharp and filled with anger. “Haven’t we had enough for today?”

Orlo’s eyes widened as he shook his head in defiance before quickly nodding. He was frozen in place, stunned into silence by the pitch and tone at your voice. In a way you were pleased that he was recognising his own complacency with the situation, that he had acknowledged the direction to which he was steering your previously pleasant interaction in once again. 

But still you couldn't help but shake the feeling that this was all your fault.

“God I’ve done it again haven’t I? I’ve said too much.” You declared, your eyes closing as you pressed your palms against them. 

“W-What?”

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” You reasoned as your hands fell from your eyes. “I can’t think straight with the medicine I-”

Shaking your head you rounded on Orlo once more, your tongue brushing across your lips as you eyed up his haggard appearance. Orlo was a shell of the man he had shown you earlier, his eyes shimmering and mouth still as he simply watched you in silence.

“Thank you for the food, Orlo.” You excused, your hands pushing away the now cold stew that you had been enjoying. “I should rest now. Tomorrow I will leave and you’ll never have to see me again.” 

Your declaration stirred a second rising in him as he shook his head in defiance, his mouth falling open as he leaned closer. “But…” 

“Please.” You begged, your eyes fluttering closed once more as you fought to ignore the wide eyes he watched you with. “If you meant what you said about meaning no harm then you’ll let me go.”

“But where would you go?”

“Where I have been all this time. I’ll go back to stay with Igor, to help him.” Your eyes fluttered open as you tried to reason with him once again. “Somewhere far, far away from here.”

Orlo’s eyes flickered the tears in his eyes threatened to fall, his nostrils flaring wide as he seemingly struggled to hold himself together. Clenching his hands into fists, you watched with bated breath as he took a deep and calming breath.

“Is that what you want?” 

You gawked at his words, surprised that he was no longer standing before you throwing up walls that threatened to keep you boxed in. 

“Yes.” You answered truthfully, “There is _nothing_ left for me here.”

Orlo flinched at the finality in your tone of voice, his eyes falling closed as he nodded slowly in acknowledgement. In an instance he became unreadable, his hands unfolding from themselves as he rose from the side of your bed and brushed himself down.

“I will not stop you.” Orlo whispered, his voice wobbling from the effort he exerted to keep his true emotions at bay.

Turning, Orlo collected the tray from your legs before you could say another word. His hands swooping up the empty glass as he slowly paced towards the door dejectedly. Your chest constricted at the sight of him pacing away in a wordless manner, his head hung low and confidence shattered. The guilt it evoked from you was enough to make your own eyes water as a response, the true finality of your relationship dawning on you as you found yourself unable to do anything but watch him walk away.

“Orlo…” You called as he reached the doors which separated his rooms. 

Orlo turned slowly, his features devoid of the hope you had hoped to see. 

Clearing your throat, you awkwardly looked away for a moment as to regain your own composure. 

“Despite the _circumstances_ it has been good to see you again.”

A sad smile tugged at Orlo’s lips as he nodded in muted agreement.

“Perhaps we can speak before you leave in the morning? Once your head is clear and you’re feeling more focused.”

You restrained frowning at the implications of his question, your shoulders shrugging in a noncommittal answer to his own question.

Orlo accepted your response nonetheless, a heavy sigh falling from his lips as he slowly closed the doors once again.

“Goodnight.”

Intent on not leaving him with an empty response once more, you raised your hand high in a slow wave.

“Goodnight, Orlo.” 

The door closed with a soft click before the locking mechanism engaged once more. Sighing you gradually eased yourself back down into the pillows, your eyes locked up at the ceiling above you as you processed the thoughts which wandered through your head. You were unfocused and emotional, acting on instinct and in reaction to the events occurring around you. Whatever pain tugged at your heart now felt different to the ache of betrayal and heartache you had experienced before, it was colder and less distinct than the rest, but present nonetheless.

If Orlo really didn’t carry the feeling for Adina that you had come to suspect, then why had he laid with her? It wasn’t as though he was forced to do it due to his status, he would have had a choice. 

Perhaps he had caved to the temptations that befall any man? Perhaps he had swooned after the way she worked her body in ways you would never understand. 

Or maybe he did carry feelings for her. Feelings so strong that he was willing to craft an defence against your accusations of attempted murder, accusations that he now knew in full following your retelling of your story.

But if that were the case then why would he ask you for the details? Why would he _need_ to see the scar that adorned your shoulder?

Rolling to your side you blew out the candle Orlo had lit, your head spinning as you pulled the covers up and around your shoulders. Silently you watched as the smoke from the freshly distinguished candle dissipated before you, your mind left to wonder whether you had really made the right decision.

_“You look so much more peaceful than you did earlier.”  
_

_Your eyes flew open as Adina’s words rang through the darkness that enveloped you, your heart racing in your chest as you searched the oblivion that embraced you for any signs for her presence. Numbly, you noted that this was the beginnings of another nightmare, your throat closing in on itself as it progressively became harder to breathe._

_“You should have seen your face, it was priceless! I still can’t believe you collapsed at the sight of me. I should be honoured.”_

_Flailing, you tried in vain to kick yourself free from the dream state you were in._

_“This feels like a cowards way out but... well, It is a wonder how you survived the first time, I won’t make the same mistake again.”_

_Wheezing, you frowned as your body slowly became hotter, sweat pooling around your neck as the air became thinner and harder to draw into your lungs._

_“This isn't real.” You whispered hoarsely to yourself, the darkness chilling you to the bone._

_“Oh.” Adina gasped, the pressure across your features releasing as the darkness was suddenly withdrawn from you._

Gasping your eyes flinched as the brightness of the room assaulted your vision, your world spinning as you turned your head to the side and noted the presence of a spindly figure beside you. Tilting your chin, you dizzily focused in on the cool sharp features of Lady Adina, her face pulled into one of amusement as she clutched a plush green pillow tightly between her hands.

Dread sunk into the pit of your stomach as you slowly clocked that this dream wasn’t like any other, the edge of your vision more sharp and filled with clarity than any nightmare you had experienced before. The air of the room felt cool and refreshing to your lungs, your body covered in a hot sweat from the suffocation you had experienced. 

Glancing down, you spotted your book resting on the surface of the covers, the position Orlo had left it in the night previously. Naturally your eyes then shifted to the doors, still closed and locked shut from where Orlo had left that very evening.

“This is real.” Adina smirked cruelly, her hands bringing the pillow close once more. “I’m so glad that you’re awake now though, It means I can watch that light drain from your eyes.”

“WHAT?” You exclaimed, your adrenalin kicking in as Adina quickly scrambled to restrain your arms. “NO-”

Your cries were cut off once again as the pillow was pushed back down against your features, the surface of the cotton damp from the drool you had seemingly wiped across it from her previous attempt at smothering you in your sleep. Wheezing, Adina pressed down hard over your mouth through the pillow, the oxygen you so desired cut off from you completely. In a tangle of limbs you felt her climb on top of you, her weight restricting the capacity of your lungs as the pressure upon your chest became unbearable.

Screaming you felt your heart fall at the muffled sound that reached your ears, your hands flailing and legs kicking as you tried in vain to push her off and away from you. Exhaustion tugged on your consciousness, the ticking of a clock filling your ears as you realised your time to escape with your life was running out.

Gasping, you felt your hand connect with the top of Adina’s arm, your nails digging into her exposed skin sharply, inflicting as much damage as you could with your dwindling energy.

“Goodnight.” Adina whispered, her tone cold and filling you with petrifying dread.


End file.
